30 ROCK — “Senor Macho Solo”

At last! Our long 30 ROCK holiday has ended, and the start of a brand new year brings fresh opportunities for all: love interests for Liz and Jack, a possible Janis Joplin headliner for Jenna, and plenty of loud quasi-public desk sex for Tracy and his wife.

Liz’s ongoing (and slightly feral) baby obsession has her fondling every infant, toddler, and little person in sight, which is what leads her to mistakenly pat UN delegate Stuart LaGrange (Peter Dinklage) on the head at a streetlight. Thank goodness our quick-thinking Lemon is aces at turning her own PC faux-pas into lemonade (sorry), as she finds herself ensnared in one more half-hearted relationship based almost entirely on her guilty conscience. Alas, their love match is doomed from the start when she persists in smothering the poor guy with her best intentions: “What if I order a tall coffee, or talk about my Nintendo Wii?” she asks Jenna, before rescuing Stuart from the flames of a street vendor’s grill and warning him to be careful crossing the street. (Especially good was her assumption that Kenneth thinks Stuart is a troll when he asks what it’s like to live under the Williamsburg bridge.) The callback at the end was nice, too, as she mistakes another young tot for Stuart, effectively sabotaging her own “SATC”-style happy reunion as only Liz Lemon can.

In the meantime, a testicular cancer scare delivers a lonely Jack into the arms of his mother’s nurse, Elisa, who won me over when she told him how she tamed the finicky Colleen: “I find that authoritative rapid Spanish subdues white people.” It does! It does! Their whole storyline setup felt a little awkward (aside from Jack telling the bathroom attendant that “I have something on my ball” and having the guy reply with “Mint?”), but Salma Hayek’s no-nonsense bullshit meter is exactly what Jack needs. I also find her more naturally in tune with the show’s rhythms than Edie Falco last season, much as I loved the C.C./Jack dynamic, so I’m glad she’ll be around for a while. Plus Salma Hayek is fabulous.

Somehow Jack also found the time to drive Tracy into the eager arms of wife Angie by failing to get them to sign a “post-nup,” leading the Jordans to commit random acts of sex on both his desk and Kenneth’s (where Kenneth and Frank play witness, to opposing degrees of interest, as everyone else flees). His efforts to score a starring role for Jenna in a Janis Joplin biopic weren’t as successful, however, as their “Steven Spielberger”-helmed vehicle loses out to one starring Julia Roberts. And by failing to secure the music rights, they’re forced to open TGS with an altered version of “Piece of My Heart” called “Chunk of My Love,” featuring lyrics that Jack pens himself (sample: “You know you bought it if life makes you sweet food!”).

A FEW MORE FAVORITE THINGS

• Liz’s purse full of stolen baby shoes.
• The Tracy Jordan Out-of-Control Spending Trifecta: a money shirt, a pair of solid gold shoes, and a three-hour primetime salute to Benny Hill.
• Liz comparing the UN General Assembly Hall to the Galactic Senate in “Star Wars.”
• Jenna talking herself in circles as Janis Joplin (“What is that iron bird?”) and fuming at the only shot Access Hollywood can find of her: “Here’s Maroney on a windy day.”
• Jack to Stuart: “The UN? They still have that? I could’ve sworn they turned that building into a Barnes & Noble.”
• Liz to Jack, on how she met Stuart: “You know me: spend my lunch hour walkin’ up and down Sixth Avenue, lookin’ for a hot meal,” and responding to Jack’s smirky comeback with “Cat sound!”
• “Thank you for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post!” says Huffington Post contributor Alec Baldwin to Elisa.
• Jack ordering dinner for his date: “The lady will be having the tasting menu, but with some substitutions. Instead of any of it, she’ll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it, and a bowl of salted ice cubes.”
• Jack taking the aforementioned mint from the bathroom attendant and sticking it in his mouth with the wrapper still on.
• Stuart, 2.5 seconds into Liz’s “Sex and the City” recap: “Ah! So bored!”
• Of COURSE Elisa and her family would be doing the Macarena at her goddaughter’s Quinceañera when Jack shows up. “Be nice to him because he has a growth in his crotch,” she then tells them all in Spanish.
• Tracy’s starring role in a “A Blaffair to Rememblack.”
• Kenneth’s fierce “Top That” rap from “Teen Witch” for the TGS audience, before announcing that “Once again, I apologize that our regular warm-up comic OD’d at a gay man’s apartment this morning.”
• Jack to Liz: “Can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?”

– posted by Kari

Kari is a 30 ROCK fanatic and will be taking it out on you, her new imaginary friends.