TOP CHEF Recap: Camping

Now, you guys all know that we try to keep it pretty PG-13 or calmer around here, but I still don’t think that anyone will be shocked to learn that I am like straight up, world championship level at cussing at the TV. In fact, cussing at the TV is probably tied for #1 in my favorite television-related activities, along with the social element—having friends over to watch, talking about my favorite shows online, etc. So needless to say, I have some practice.

Anyway, all this to say, that some of the stuff I was yelling at Top Chef last night probably would’ve made a sailor blush, because I have a new person to hate, and that person is Michael Voltaggio. For every sentence that you read from me about him, please know that you are missing at least one F-bomb that is going off in my head. I can’t handle him right now.

Really, it started right at the beginning of the episode, when he was saying that he, Bryan, and Mike Isabella were the strongest chefs there. And then it showed them getting up from their little frat bro meeting by the pool or whatever. UGH. FIRST OF ALL (oh yeah, here comes the all caps), I don’t think it’s ever anyone’s place to make that kind of claim about themselves. You can be confident in your abilities and know that you do good work, but claiming superiority over other people is always something that should be said ABOUT you, and not BY you. Secondly, yes, Bryan is awesome. Mike is okay and even good a lot of the time, but he’s inconsistent and you have just COMPLETELY disregarded the supreme talent of both Kevin and Jen, and that irritates me, especially since he partnered with Jen last week and KNOWS how good she is. So there’s the first part.

Then we get to the Quickfire, and I thought it was nice to see some different people do well on that, even though Mike Isabella pulled it out again. At this point, and really later on in the elimination challenge too, I realized how much I really do root for Ashley, which is surprising since I didn’t start out loving her. Every time she’s up for a win, I’m cheering for her, and every time she’s in the bottom, I’m defending her and/or nervous she’ll go home. And I like Ash too—he’s definitely not the best chef there, but he’s entertaining and REALLY likable. When he described the look on Tim’s face as being pissed off for making him eat that food, it was so dead on that I had to laugh.

But mostly, this Quickfire just super reinforced my new Michael hate. He was just acting like such a child about the whole thing, and I think his talking head about “I’d rather be able to make good flavors than get the water out of a cactus” was when my cussing a blue streak really started. Because ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Seriously, dude? Get over yourself. You just said that Mike is one of the best chefs in this competition, AND he’s your friend, and you can’t even be a gracious loser about it? You can’t even admire his skill or admit that you screwed up just this once? You make me want to puke in my mouth and eat it again.

So with all of his enormous ego and arrogant talking heads, I was hoping they were setting us up for a surprise Michael elimination, except I really wasn’t that hopeful since I know how the producers feel about their precious little bro-on-bro competition storyline, but then I thought, well, at least maybe he’ll be in the bottom and they’ll scare some of that god-awful attitude out of him, because his ego has just gotten way out of control and it really needs to be reined in, and soon. I don’t know what it is about him—even Stefan didn’t annoy me this much. Heck, even DALE in season four didn’t annoy me this much. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’ll keep on trying, don’t you worry.

And did you SEE where they asked him if he had a background in Japanese food, and he was all smug and like, “I have an every-kind-of-food background.” I wanted to punch him in his tiny mouth.

I’ve gotta quit talking about Michael for a minute. I feel my blood pressure rising higher than it would after a delicious plate of Kevin’s food.

Again in the elimination, it was nice to see some different competitors—Laurine really needed the mental boost and Ashley’s looked really good and I had my fingers crossed for her, but in the end Bryan took it and that was probably the right choice. Interestingly, in spite of my Michael hate going way up, my Bryan love also went way up, so apparently he’s not guilty by association in my book. You can tell that he’s VERY skilled, but also probably the most thoughtful of the bunch, although I think that Jen is definitely a thinker too. And I think we’ll see Bryan all the way up to the final three or four (probably still with his douche of a brother).

I was telling Billy last night that Bryan actually reminds me in a lot of ways of President Obama—he seems very intelligent, and he’s very thoughtful and consistent. He doesn’t ever really get too emotional in either direction, and he’s happy when he wins, disappointed when he loses, but always gracious about both. Little Bro could take some notes.

Kind of an off week for my favorites, Jen and Kevin, although I’ve gotta say that Jen made me laugh REALLY hard in her delivery during her talking head about Ron, when she’s so dry and saying, “And then we’ve got Ron, looking for a sword.” I cracked up, and then she’s like, “I don’t know if anyone has a sword in their knife kit …” OMG, my love for her just grows and grows.

And also, I wonder if they’ve started putting in those little vignettes during the commercials so they have more time to show off Kevin’s shenanigans, because he’s so great. That whole horseshoes bit was amazing, both in how good he is at it and that he grew up with a regulation horseshoe pit in his yard. He’s the best.

Anyway, as far as eliminations go, I wasn’t really shocked to see any of the bottom three, and I was never really worried about Ron, since his main offense was his drink and all he had to do was not be an idiot and he’d get to stay. Ron is another one, like Ash, who I don’t necessarily think is the greatest chef on there (which isn’t to say he isn’t very talented, just in terms of the competition), but who is just so darn likable that I’m not ready to see him go yet.

I could’ve dealt with either Robyn or Mattin going, but Tom and the crew don’t like it when people don’t realize that they made gross food, so he was the one I expected to go. And I won’t miss him—he really just didn’t “bring it”, as the kids say, and I think they really hoped he’d be the next Fabio, but obviously, just no. No, no, no, and no some more.

What did you guys think of this one? Is anyone else riding the Michael hate train with me? Did you agree with the judges’ top and bottom three, and choices for winner and elimination? Did you see anything you wanted to eat after a hard day working on the ranch? Discuss it all the comments!

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.