The OC in a Nutshell

The following post discusses this Thursday’s “OC”. If you haven’t seen the ep yet, you might not want to read ahead.

I was so excited to write a full recap of tonight’s episode, but as fate would have it, I had MAJOR technical difficulties last night. The cable went out, and by the time that came back, my internet connection shit the bed. So without the full ep on Tivo, I’ll do my very best to let you all in on the happenings of Newport Beach, CA.

Previously on The OC…
Just to get you up to speed, Marissa got booted from Harbor for shooting someone. Ryan got booted from Harbor for punching someone. Seth & Summer haven’t gotten booted yet (or knocked boots in a while from what I can tell). Ryan is being home schooled by a tutor. Marissa is adjusting to life in the oh so dreaded public school and coincidentally enough has befriend the public school version of Ryan Atwood. Julie Cooper-Nichol is adjusting to life with no money & no man (welcome to the club sista-friend), and living at a motel, while Coop is staying with her bff, Summer. Kirsten is out of rehab and finally back home ordering takeout. Creepy Charlotte is still wearing out her welcome, and still has a really large mouth. Sandy is being Sandy – which is pretty damn cool. And oh yeah, the King of Causing Havoc, Dean Dumbass, is bangin’ Summer’s arch nemesis, Taylor Townsend…and Summer knows all about it.

And now, an all new The OC: “The Perfect Storm”…
The Cohen-Atwood-Cooper-Roberts kids are back in full effect, y’all. It’s Senior Year in Newport, so the kids need to start thinking about colleges. Time to attend the traditional College Fair, or as Summer calls it, the College Circus (ha). Coop informs us that she can’t even think about going to college since she’s broke and goes to a public school. Right…because no one from a public school could ever get into college. And as for the money? I got two words for you Coop: FINANCIAL AID.

Ryan doesn’t think he can go to college because his last name is Atwood. I love how he likes to remind us all that he’s the hardass from Chino when it’s convenient for him. Dude, look around. You live in a private pool house over looking the ocean. You drive a Range Rover. Let it go. Sandy & Kirsten tell him that he’s going to the circus to pick out a college and that is that.

While Seth & Summer head off to look at Ivy League schools (yeah, the producers are trying to convince us that Summer is smart or something), Ryan is convinced by his Berkeley Alumna guardians that he should check out good ‘ol UC. Just as he starts to embrace the idea of the college life, he catches the scowling glare of Dean Dumbass (DD). Sandy steps in and tells Dean Dumbass to steps off or he’s going to attack him with his eyebrows…or something to that affect. DD, who clearly has a huge pole up his ass, informs Sandy that Ryan has no shot at college because DD ruin his HS record with some pansy-ass letter about Ryan’s behavior. Of course, Ryan happens to over hear and storms out of the Circus.

On the other side of the Circus tent, Seth & Summer watch Taylor and DD exchange a few non-pleasantries. See a bit earlier in the day, Summer told Taylor that DD was getting it on with the hot PE teacher (yeah, like that exists). Summer was hoping to provoke a lover’s quarrel. Her devious plan must have worked because Taylor was now clearly pissed and bitching out her boyfriend, er, teacher. But much to Summer’s chagrin, she and Seth are too far away to hear the conversation. Damn, I wish I went to Harbor. The best thing about my College Fair was getting the free bag to put all the catalogs in.

The next morning, Seth heads to the poolhouse for his morning oggling of Ryan. Thinking that Ryan ran away (again) after hearing what DD had to say, Seth gets that “Oh no, do I have to sail away again” look on his face.. But wait, it seems that Ryan hasn’t gone anywhere, and isn’t going anywhere…in life, because he has decided to drop out of high school. Which begs the question, if he’s not in High School in the first place, how can he drop out? Anyway, Ryan relies on his 11th grade education to determine that since Dean Dumbass F’ed with his file he’s never going to get into a college. Oh, these Newport Beach kids have got to visit the real world every once in a while.

Coop calls Summer to tell her of Ryan’s decision to quit, um, home schooling. Summer immediately jumps into action mode. She figures that if she can convince Taylor to rekindle old flames with Dean Dumbass, she & Seth can expose them and get Ryan back into Harbor. I wonder if anyone ever told Seth & Summer that they aren’t really The Ironist and Little Miss Vixen. For some reason, when anything goes wrong, these two seem to think it’s their job to jump in and save the day. Kind of bizarre if you ask me.

Meanwhile, Ryan figures that if he isn’t in school, he might as well get a job. So he hits the diner and starts pouring through the wants ads in the newspaper. Hmm, in this day and age, are we really supposed to believe that these kids have never heard of Monster.com? Anyway, the public school version of Ryan walks in, and offers his support of Ryan’s decision to forego college. See PSRA is going to make his mark in this world by becoming a pro surfer, yeah, because that’s a fool proof plan. Conveniently enough, PSRA’s uncle is the Captain of a Fishing Boat and he can get Ryan a job on the boat (and away from Marissa). So Ryan & public school Ryan head off for the docks.

As Kirsten, Sandy & Seth ponder the whereabouts of young Ryan, in he walks. He proceeds to inform his family that despite all their love, support, and money , he is leaving Newport…AGAIN, this time for a job on a fishing boat in the ocean. Call me crazy, but I think it’s time for Sandy & Kirsten to have a site down with their boys on the virtue of NOT running away from their problems. Sandy gets all, no you’re not…you’re not 18…you’re going back to school and doing things my way. And Ryan’s all, I’ve tried it your way and I’m still from Chino, so back the F off before I shoot you (or at least that’s how I remember the scene). Sandy furrows the brows and signs the form allowing Ryan to sail the ocean blue. Adios Chino. It was fun while it latest.

Freaking out about the thought of his hetero-lifemate abandoning him once again, Seth decides to support Summer’s plan to expose Taylor and DD’s extracurricular activities. Summer meanwhile is crafting DD’s letter to Taylor:

“You are like a warm breeze blowing down Van Nuys Blvd
From Encino to Recido there is nothing as beautiful as you
Your eyes are as blue as a smogless day…”
-The Valley, Season 1

Seth has a better plan that doesn’t involve quoting the poor man’s Laguna Beach. He bought his lady a pink, bedazzled SideKick. The plan is to text Taylor, pretending to be DD, and invite her to a rendezvous at the infamous mermaid. Which leads to the most classic line of the night:

“The Mermaid? Where Ryan may or many not conceived Theresa’s baby, and where Luke and Marissa’s mom got it on?” (Summer)

Ha! I love that girl. Marissa hears of Ryan’s plan to be Forrest Gump, and flips her shit. Coop, you and Ryan threaten to move far away from eachother every third episode, this should not be such a shocker. Later that night, in a show of support and duplicity, Sandy decides to throw Ryan a going away dinner. Marissa relunctantly shows up, but is snarky the whole time. She leaves, and Ryan follows.

The next morning Ryan has to say goodbye (again) to Sandy & Kirsten. Observation I must make…Why is it that everytime Ryan prepares to leave Newport, he has to wear his old grey hooded sweatshirt? It’s like The Cohens wouldn’t let him take all of his new clothes with him or something. Anyway, they hug and he leaves to be a Shrimp Boat Captain.

As he prepares to ship out, Coop shows up to make sure Ryan knows how she feels. Bitch is pissed. She hits him with all of her daddy issues. Seems Coop think that much like Jimmy Cooper, Ryan is a coward who has to run away. In his defense, Jimmy runs to avoid the mob; Ryan – because he has nothing better to do (and it’s been 3 episodes since either he or Marissa threatened to leave The OC, so he’s due).

Back in the Laurel & Hardy hour, Seth & Summer anxiously await the arrival of Taylor at The Mermaid. She shows, and Summer get all up in her grill and calls her on shit about smooching Dean Dumbass. Taylor’s all like, “prove it bitch”. Oh no she didn’t!!! Summer bring out the big guns with the 2nd best line of the night: “I’ve got a huge mouth and an even bigger buddy list”. Ouch! Summer, and her sidekick/boyfriend Seth, decided to call Seth’s dad to share the news about her thinamaging (Seth: “indiscretion”) with DD. Fast forward to Sandy brining his brows and his attitude to the Dean’s office. Sandy bluffs about having pics of Taylor and DD, and how much it would suck to send them to the school board. Damn! Sandy will keep said fake pics to himself if DD lets Ryan back into Harbor, and get’s the hell out of Dodge (or in this case, Newport). Dean Dumbass agrees…..Chino is back in Harbor!! Hip hip hooray!!! Hip hip hooray!!!

But is it too late? Ryan’s already left on the USS Minnow, hasn’t he? Well by the look on Coop’s face, that would be YES. Sista looks like Tara Reid on any given Thursday night (yes, Mischa Barton can look that bad). Seth & Summer come to share the good news about Ryan, but find out he’s already left. Wah wah 🙁 But wait, what is this I see? Is that a grey hooded sweatshirt in the distance? Yes!!! It’s Ryan…he’s back. Whew!!! What make Ryan change his mind? “I don’t know what my future is, but I know it’s with you, here, and not in the middle of the ocean.”…aww, he loves Coop (well, until at least sweeps). That was a close one. Seth & Summer give him the news about being back at Harbor (no more home schooling for you boy). And they all celebrate in the diner….hamburgers and fries for everyone!!! After a day full of drama, our favorite foursome retire to the beach and conspire about Ryan’s future as a bull fighter…a bounty hunter….a fluffer? HA!! Oh you kids. How I’ve missed you!!! See you next week.

In a MUCH less interesting side story……
Julie is broke….Charlotte is still around….Julie doesn’t like her (but do we know why?)….Julie wants to buy a condo, but Charlotte beats her to it, BUT…in the end, Charlotte buys the condo for Julie. Yeah, because it’s SO common for a complete stranger to buy you a phat condo on the beach. That’s not shady at all. Julie calls her on it, but Charlotte convinces Julie that she feels for her and just wants to help. Yup, that must be it. C’mon Julie Cooper-Nichol, not even you can buy that one, right???? We know Charlotte and some guy she makes out with are up to something. They think Julie’s “got the right connections, and nothing to lose”. Why, oh why, can’t someone just give Julie a break. Sista needs one!!!!