Rescue Me Recap (Discovery)

Title: Discovery
Original Airdate: June 7, 2006

Last time on Rescue Me: Tommy’s godson, Damian, is banging his science teacher, Miss Turbidy. Chief put his wife in a home. Sean’s dating Tommy’s sister. Janet kicked Tommy in the balls twice: by telling him she was glad Connor died, so he couldn’t turn out like Tommy, and by sleeping with his brother Johnny. Bitch. Lou gave away his money to a con woman. Bitch. How much am I loving this show’s depiction of women? Well, men too.

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Sheila’s taking care of Tommy’s dad. He insists his birthday party will go well. She’s wondering whether Tommy asking her to help with his dad is “a thing”, when Tommy interrupts them. She sort of cutely flutters about saying she bought him a travel mug, which doesn’t quite impress him since he thinks it’s kinda gay. When his dad says he’s inviting Janet to the party, Tommy tells him that’s fine, she’s family, but she better not bring her boyfriend or “I’m going to stick this Brokeback coffee travel thing right up his goddamn ass.”

As Tommy goes to leave without the mug, Sheila stops him to tell him she won’t be able to stop by for his dad later since she’s got a parent teacher conference…with Mrs. Turbidy. Based on Tommy’s reaction, she can tell he’s met her and thinks she’s hot. “I know all your grunts, and your tics, and your tells…I can read you like a goddamn dog-eared book.” He leaves in a bit of a huff, but he gets the last word: Sheila gets to give his dad an enema. Sheila and I both hope he’s kidding.

On his way to work, Tommy sees Lou walking along, smoking a cigar. Lou spots him and spits it out…and he’s 50 bucks down. Credits.

Chief explains to Lou that the place where they’re keeping his wife has raised the rent. He’s wondering if Lou can help, just a couple hundred bucks. Lou tries to suggest they might put her somewhere cheaper, but that’s an affront to the Chief. Still, money’s a touchy subject for Lou.

Franco and Tommy discuss Lou’s straying from the ranks of non-smokers when a book drops from Franco’s bag: Fire Officer exam prep. Guess he wants to ascend in the ranks by taking the lieutenant’s exam. Tommy’s kinda supportive, but also tells Franco that if he passes the test, he could get reassigned “and end with a midget and four idiots.” Franco explains that he needs the money to take care of his daughter, put her in private schools, see that she does okay. “She’s Puerto Rican, man. She’s also a girl, with no mom. I need to do her a solid.” I love that “a solid” is how Franco describes the responsibilities of parenthood.

The crew chats about the difficulties of not smoking, and apparently they aren’t holding up too well, since there’s already $450 in the kitty…er…can. When they heckle Lou as to whether he’s put in his $50 for the cigar, he says he hasn’t. They ask him when he will, but he gets angry, and storms out. I guess they pushed Lou’s “a whore took your money” button. After he leaves, Tommy asks whether the guys are coming to his dad’s party. They say yeah, and Sean says he’s not bringing his girlfriend. At all. Hah. Franco isn’t bringing his new bed buddy either. “If she eats the way she gets it on, nobody needs to see that.” From the other room, Lou yells in that he’s coming too. Franco wonders if Tommy’s bringing anyone? A big no: “Condoleeza Rice, at this stage, is using her cock more than I’m using mine.” Disappointed with the guys’ performance, Franco tells them they are all going to go out that night. Sean will go to be a team player. Tommy’s not sure, but Lou has already booked them a table.

Later, Sean tells Franco he’s dating Maggie, Tommy’s sister, who he thinks might be “the one.” Franco doesn’t even want to hear about it, because then Tommy could beat his ass by extension. Franco tells a disturbing anecdote about what Tommy did to someone who just touched his sister’s butt, but Sean doesn’t care. He also doesn’t care that Maggie’s insane. He kinda likes that she could snap on him at any second. Sean says maybe he’ll tell Tommy, who then storms over already pissed off. Maybe Sean will wait. Good idea, Sean.

The bar. Chief, Sean, Franco, and Tommy check out the ladies that are checking them out. There’s a hottie at the end of the bar…a hottie named Susan Sarandon. She lifts her drink at them, and Tommy decides to head over. As he’s leaving, Sean says “she looks like my mom”, which stops Tommy, who apparently isn’t familiar with the term “milf”. Too bad, now Tommy can’t talk to her. He’s a fool. All women should look as luminous as Susan Sarandon.

Lou’s also at the bar, in the back, calling his ex. He asks for his dad’s gold watch, getting for a little overheated when she says he can only get it on the weekend. She hangs up on him.

A very young blond comes over and chattily, ditzily hits on Tommy. My teeth hurt just looking at her, she’s over-the-top sugary. Plus, she won’t shut up later when she and Tommy are hanging out. As Tommy puts it: “I actually thought I saw sparks coming off her tongue at one point.” Yeah, that would help support my theory that she’s a fembot.

Probie’s over at the bar talking to his friend Hank, who tells him once they become full firefighters, they should transfer to other houses. Probie acts a bit stammery and hesitant and is sorta reminding me of Justin Long. His friend continues: “No matter what you do, or how long you’re there, you’ll always be the probie.” Probie contemplates it.

Lou, very drunk, heads over to talk to Susan, whose name we don’t know yet. Neither will he. He un-suavely introduces himself, but she just whispers in his ear, “Can you just get the guy in the black shirt for me?” He can and does.

Franco heads over. He’s intimidated, but Susan’s a smooth talker. “Aren’t you tired of girls? After [the sex], you go talk to them, see them with unclouded eyes, and you realize they’re just made of paper…they crinkle when you ball them up and toss them aside. Don’t you think you deserve a woman who’s made of more than paper?” I’m going to say yes for you, Franco. Susan didn’t come all this way just to be some flirt in a bar. Be a sport, give the producers their money’s worth and let her bang you, eh? She gives him her card and he leaves.

While Tommy makes out with the girl, she won’t shut up. When he goes down on her, she won’t shut up. When he gets up to get something, she won’t shut up. Turns out “something” is duct tape, and she might just shut up, since she’s kinda into it. Kinky.

The next day, Tommy’s out with his daughters, looking to spend some money on them. Colleen ain’t buying it: “You’re either trying to mess with Mom, or you’ve been drinking.” She’s got her dad down to a science. Nice. Even so, he shells out $300 and sends her on her way to buy some stuff. Katie just wants ice cream, even though it’s cold out. “It’s 14 degrees out here, but in my stomach, it’s the 4th of July.” Apparently it is also the right temperature for pizza and chili cheese fries. Ew.

Chief checks on his wife at the home. She thinks he’s her brother. That makes me sad. It also makes me sad that despite her great art classes and the fact that everyone loves her there, he’s trying to move her to another (cheaper) home. She can’t handle that: “I would die. If you made me leave here, I would die.” He says she can stay.

Post-coital Sean and Maggie at an apartment that, from the frilly satin pillow, I’m guessing is hers. She drinks: “Nothing like a little cocktail after a little cock–not that your cock is little.” They banter a bit before Sean reiterates that at the party they cannot talk or touch or even really look at each other. She agrees, “or Tommy will shit melons.” Sean thinks if Tommy found out, it might not be so bad, since they’re good friends, but Maggie says it’s worse. She says Tommy killed a guy who she dated when they were in high school and made it look like a suicide. Yowza.

Lou’s doing some inept B&E, I’m assuming to get the gold watch. He cuts himself on a window and commences gushing blood. Later, some vet buddy of Lou’s stitches him up. He tells his friend, “I was breaking into my ex-wife’s to steal a watch that belonged to my father so I could pawn it and get money.” Wow. It recaps itself! The buddy doesn’t believe him. Not even when Lou talks about how depressed he is, he considered letting himself bleed to death. He’s even giving the old Josh Lyman excuse about cutting his hand on a glass that broke. Never buy that excuse, people. It means you need to go talk to Adam Arkin.

Back at Tommy’s house, Katie’s introducing the contents of her stomach (pizza, chili cheese fries, ice cream, and more) to her new friend the toilet bowl. Meanwhile, Colleen tries to explain how her postage-stamp-sized skirt won’t be a problem since she’s a born-again Christian. Say what!? “It’s the hot new thing at school,” she tells him, “blow jobs are so last year.” Once Tommy learns born-again Christianity involves no sex until marriage, he’s in. Oh–and one more thing–he asks her who her mom is dating. When she won’t tell him, he points out all the money he spent on her today. Not happening: “When you want information, you ask first. Then you offer the bribe.” Colleen then schools him in the art of bribery by fleecing him out of $100 so she won’t tell mom he got Katie sick.

At the Chinese restaurant for his dad’s party, Tommy and Sheila chat. Sheila keeps saying unintentionally offensive things when the Chinese waiters walk by. Then she’s intentionally bitchy: “Oh, princess Janet’s here! The party can officially start.” Everyone’s got chicks on the mind: Franco explains to Tommy how he’s trying to hook the probie up with a chick, Sean’s obsessed with not letting anyone know he’s dating Maggie, and Johnny sorta looks like he might crack under the weight of keeping his relationship with Janet a secret.

During dinner, Colleen tells her grandpa how much Jesus loves him. He gives her the old thanks, but no thanks response: “Tell Jesus to lay off. I’m glad he loves me, but that’s how rumors get started.” Hee. I bet he wouldn’t want a Brokeback coffee mug either.

Tommy does some glaring at Janet when he notices Sean steal the cherry from Maggie’s drink. Interesting…but we’ll just keep that little tidbit in mind for next week, since grandpa’s giving his birthday speech. Grandpa says singing is verboten upon threat of public urination on the cake. “I never expected to live with long. This is probably the last birthday cake I’ll have my name on,” he tells the group. Since the Gavin family loves nothing if not depression, destructiveness, and sweet treats, they begin digging into the cake.

Tommy drops his napkin on the floor, and when he ducks under the table to grab it, he sees that Johnny and Janet are holding hands under the table. Above the table, they’re both distractedly looking in different directions, paying no attention to each other.

Tommy looks under the table again to verify he wasn’t hallucinating (’cause that never happens). He’s not. He takes it all in, then in true rational Tommy style, lunges across the table, pushing Janet aside, and begins to whale on Johnny. He drags him out of the restaurant, pushes him through the window of a parked car, then leaves his beaten, bleeding ass out in the street.

Next week: Tommy sleeps with Mrs. Turbidy. He might find out about Sean and Maggie. Franco gets it on with Mrs. Sarandon.

Julie is a GMMR recapper extraordinaire, but she also has her own fabulous TV website. Head over to TV and Sympathy to read more from Julie.