House Recap: “Whac-a-mole”

Title: Whac-a-mole
Original Airdate: 11/21/06

Packs of wild, screaming kids sure are a scary. Having to placate and control said kids in a Chuck-E-Cheese type venue? Even scarier. It’s enough to make one want to vomit – repeatedly. And that’s exactly what one teenage employee does during a very nausea-inducing little boy birthday party celebration. This teenager, played by guest star Patrick Fugit (aka Cameron Crowe’s not-so-fictional teenage version of himself in “Almost Famous”), then starts having a heart-attack after all the vomiting. Yikes! Obviously, this is a job for The House Team (as if that was ever in doubt…).

I have to say, it’s good to see indie-movie actor Patrick Fugit on a popular show like House. The guy has definitely got talent, so I think it’s great that he’ll be seen by a broader audience than usual. And he certainly has a meaty role here to sink his teeth into. After the heart-attack, we soon learn that his character is an 18-year old orphan whose parents recently died, and who now is the sole caretaker for his younger siblings: an 11-year old girl and an 8-year old boy. Ouch. Plus, now he has this mysterious illness that is alternately causing him to vomit profusely, seizure, choke, and get heart attacks. He even bleeds through his ear and nose and IV-poked arm at one point. Yeesh. Poor kid just can’t seem to catch a break – and neither can his siblings, who are still hurting over their parents’ recent deaths. One would think such a tragic story would melt even House’s bitter, sarcastic, misanthropic heart…

But of course, one would think wrong. Yes, Dr. Cranky-cane is up to his usual mocking antics. This time, he decides to begin the case-solving by challenging his minions to figure out Fugit’s disease in just one test, taunting them with his supposed “answer” in a sealed envelope pasted on the white board. But of course, this “answer” turned out to be nothing more than a sarcastic and very accurate description of the exact tests that each of his minions picked. Classic. And of course, House managed to get his own test in there on the down-low, and thus found that Fugit (I’ll call him “Hard Luck Guy”), has Hepatitis A. Great. Unfortunately, once they cure him for Hep. A., he starts bleeding in weird places (as previously mentioned), and thus is not totally cured. Doh!

Meanwhile, David Morse’s scary cop character, aka Detective Tritter (alright, the guy’s appeared in enough episodes now, it’s probably time to start calling him by his given “character” name…), is making poor Wilson’s life VERY miserable. Last week he froze Wilson’s assets. This week, he not only takes Wilson’s car away, but he takes away his license to prescribe medication as well. And he does all of this without ever physically appearing in this episode. Gosh, the guy is becoming a real tyrannical menace – even when unseen. Kind of like Sauron in “The Lord of the Rings”. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if next week he just appeared as a giant, flaming, lidless eye that randomly says threatening things in a deep, booming voice. I’d love to see House’s insults for THAT scenario – comedy gold, baby!

Anyhoo, getting away from my strange delusions and getting back to this episode, Tritter’s devious actions are indeed seriously hurting Wilson. The poor guy can’t even write prescriptions for his suffering cancer patients anymore – he has to constantly ask one of House’s minions to do it for him. And since this minion turns out to be Cameron, he finds himself constantly having to explain his decisions to her, since her staunch moral compass won’t let her simply trust his judgment (girl, you really can be annoying sometimes). Tritter’s actions, however, aren’t just hurting Wilson – they’re also hurting House, since Wilson can no longer write his pain-killer prescriptions. Plus, his minions firmly refuse to write said prescriptions because they (wisely) realize that that would get them all into trouble, as it would look like House forced them (i.e. his employees) to feed his addiction. Thankfully, after House sarcastically offers to be Cuddy’s sperm donor in exchange for the pills, Cuddy obliges – but only because if no one wrote a prescription for him, it would appear to the court like he didn’t need the pills. Smart woman, Cuddy – even House is impressed. But is it just me, or does the lighting in Cuddy’s office look especially fake? I mean, I know the whole show is obviously filmed in a studio, but don’t you think that the “outside” light shining through her office windows looks really artificial? Anyone? Bueller?

Getting back to Hard Luck Guy, after many more tests show the guy keeps contracting more infections, House eventually figures out that his disease is a genetic disorder. So, after performing a characteristically “non-FDA approved” test on the poor guy, basically infecting him with several infections at once and seeing which one affects him first, the team finally figures out his particular genetic disease. Unfortunately, this one will constantly leave him open to infection and keep him frequently hospitals – thus seriously jeopardizing his ability to care for his siblings – UNLESS he gets a bone-marrow transplant. And the only donor nearby who is a match is his 8-year old brother. Hard Luck Guy refuses, not wanting to risk his brother’s life in a very un-risky surgery. When his brother is 18 and legally able to make his own decisions, HLG declares, then he will consider the transplant.

Foreman sees HLG’s actions as noble and heroic. But House, not surprisingly, sees only the negative: that HLG purposely wants to stay sick so that he won’t have to ruin his life by having to raise his siblings anymore. Sadly, it turns out that House is right, because when HLG is offered another donor (as a test), the kid finally whines, “I’m too young to be their dad!” You know, being that the guy is a former drug-addict who now finds himself in these harsh circumstances, I can’t say I blame him too much for needing time to take care of himself before he can take care of kids. Poor little hard luck family.

And speaking of, Wilson finally caves and decides to give up for practice and send his patients elsewhere, since House refuses to lend him Cameron whenever Wilson needs her; his patients just can’t wait. And neither can Wilson wait – to get House out of his sight. Yes, despite House developing a “guilt-induced” shoulder injury during this episode, Wilson has finally had it with House. Oh, curse you, Tritter! He had better get his comeuppance soon, because this is really getting annoying. What isn’t annoying, though, is the increasing chemistry between House and Cameron. Loved her “Nice cane” and his “If I know what you mean (*huge wink*)” flirty banter. And when she suddenly decided to help him put his shoulder sling on, there was definitely a meaningful eye-gazing moment that passed between them. Gosh, at this break-neck pace, I’m guessing that it will be, oh, I’d say Season 6 before these two finally hook up. But maybe I’m just being optimistic…

LaLa is GMMR’s resident HOUSEkeeper. GMMR offered to pay her $3000 a week for her recaps, but she passed. To her, comments are the only real currency!