House Recap: “Merry Little Christmas”

Title: Merry Little Christmas
Original Airdate: 12/12/06

If network censors would allow it, I think a more apt title for this episode would have been, “Merry !@#%$ Christmas”. At least that’s the kind of treatment poor House was getting for most of this episode. Say what you will about his Vicodin addiction (yes, of course he’s taking more than he needs and should cut down), but you really can’t deny that the man is literally in pain 24/7. Like, such intense pain that, when deprived of pain meds, he is willing to go so far as to cut himself in order to release any kind of endorphins in his system to null the pain. OUCH. And is it just me, or when House was explaining this endorphin thing to Cameron, I was totally hoping she’d be smart and sensitive enough to just give him a bloody hug or a kiss or SOME kind of affection – because we all know affection increases endorphins, and really, isn’t House’s abuse of his pain meds just a way to substitute for the love and affection that he guards himself against, yet still desperately needs? Anyone agree with me? Anyone? Bueller?

Well, regardless, completely denying House his pain meds (*cough* Cuddy and Wilson) obviously helps absolutely no one. In fact, it only ends up hurting everyone (except, of course, for heartless, revenge-driven Tritter), and getting House into even worse trouble with the law. But more on that later. First, one person who is suffering from House’s denial of pain meds is the patient of the week, a 15-year old dwarf girl who’s mysterious “lung” illness soon spreads into her liver, then her pancreas, then all over – just like House predicted, naturally. Unfortunately, Cuddy took House off the case because he refuses to accept Tritter and Wilson’s deal, which involves House making a guilty plea and then doing 2 months of rehab in order to stay out of jail.

Poor House. He definitely had an “Et tu, Brute?” look on his face when Wilson informed House that he told the truth to Tritter about the forged prescriptions. I’m glad, though, that House’s minions and Cuddy gave Wilson hell for turning Judas – especially Cameron, who totally nailed Wilson with her speeches about how making the right choice isn’t really a complicated and difficult thing to do, and how the only person really benefiting from Wilson’s betrayal is Wilson himself. And Wilson’s reasons for the betrayal don’t hold up at all – I mean, Hello?! House messed up last week’s diagnosis and punched Chase because he was in serious PAIN as a result of NOT getting his pain meds, not because he had too much of them! DUH!

At least Wilson finally realized this fact when, once again, House was able to fix the patient (at least temporarily), when Cuddy, Wilson, and House’s minions combined could not do it on their own. Too bad Tritter wouldn’t let Wilson back out of testifying in court, playing the whole, “I already have your testimony and can thus throw you in jail along with House for impeding the investigation” card. Wilson, Wilson, Wilson. How did you ever become a successful doctor while at the same time being so blind and naïve in your personal life? But I guess it’s not all that uncommon for some people to be brilliant when it comes to school and books, yet have absolutely no common sense when it comes to dealing with life. Weird phenomenon, but true.

Anyhoo, getting back to this week’s patient, the diagnosis that House gives serves to help the girl get better at first, but unfortunately, she soon starts bleeding out of her nose and ears and thus is clearly not totally cured – because, let’s face it, the House team always has to find the REAL cure at the very end of the episode, and this girl was “cured” while there was still about 20 minutes left in the show. So of course, it had to be wrong. But I digress… Anyway, so the girl is still sick, and since letting her die in order to guilt House into accepting Tritter’s deal has become a very unattractive option, Cuddy finally relents and agrees to give House some Vicodin in exchange for his brilliant analysis of the situation. Unfortunately, House was unable to bear three days without pain meds, so he went to the hospital pharmacy and picked up the pain meds for a man who had already died earlier in the day. Baaaaad move, House – especially the signing your real name on the pharmacy check-out sheet thing. But regardless, these new pain meds allowed House to finally feel better, and thus finally figure out what was really wrong with this girl: that she was not actually a dwarf after all, but was instead seriously lacking growth hormones! Whoa. Gotta love those House writers – they certainly come up with really unusual and unexpected medical problems. Nice.

So, once they take the whole dwarfism thing out of this girl’s prognosis, the team is finally able to find her semi-cancerous problem, and fix her. And, after House practically overdoses on alcohol and the dead man’s pain meds (I totally thought he was going to overdose for real, by the way), House finally comes crawling to Tritter just before his rehab deal is set to expire, and offers to accept said deal. Unfortunately, because Tritter has been keeping tabs on House like a crazy stalker, Tritter now has hard proof that House is an addict because he has a copy of House signing to receive a dead man’s pain meds. Doh! Now Tritter is definitely taking House to court no matter what, convinced that he can without a doubt get House thrown in jail (but he can’t really, methinks, because if House went to jail then he could no longer be a doctor, and then there would no longer be “House” – so um, yeah, I’m going to hold out hope on this one…). As Tritter leaves a stunned House, he smugly says, “Merry Christmas”. Yes Tritter, and as House said to you earlier, “a happy go to hell” indeed. Jerk.

To end this recap on a lighter note, though, I must mention my two favorite moments of this fabulous episode – directed, I might add, by Tony To (who also produced and directed an episode of the brilliant miniseries “Band of Brothers”). My first favorite moment was when House tells his minions at the beginning of this case that, “I thought I’d get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own – the usual.” Nice. My second favorite moment – or rather, series of moments – was House’s banter with the dwarf mother of not-really-a-dwarf girl. I loved that she wasn’t phased by House’s very offensive dwarf insults, and was totally able to dish the insults back to him – like when she said, “Being different, you get used to people’s idiocy – still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot.” Oh, S-NAP! House was mightily impressed by that comeback – so much so that he actually made a pass at her as a result. Taking notes, Cameron?

LaLa is a writer who currently resides in LaLa Land, aka Los Angeles. LaLa also likes to sing. LaLa also knows some lawyers in a law office. LaLa is also prone to making bad jokes, like this one. And of course, LaLa also loves her some quality television shows with quality actors on them, like House… and The Office… and 24… and, well, pretty much any smartly written show that doesn’t include a fat guy with a hot skinny wife or the words “two and a half men” in the title.