AGE OF LOVE Recap: Cougars Meet the Kittens

Episode: Two
Original Air Date: 06.25.07
GMMR Recapper: SB

Oh, Age of Love. As Michelle Branch would say, you’re everywhere to me. I headed out to movies this past weekend to see Oceans 13, and during the movie, Matt Damon referred to Ellen Barkin as, oh yes, a cougar. And you know what? Ellen Barkin IS a cougar. Her hair, her perfect boobs, those smoldering looks … everything about Ellen Barkin just screams “sex”. This got me thinking about other women that I might consider cougars. I really couldn’t come up with many, mainly just Kim Cattrall on Sex and the City (there’s two references in two recaps—could someone possibly be obsessed with reruns on The CW?). I thought of all the hot older women in show business, but even they don’t qualify—you know, the Susan Sarandons and Goldie Hawns. They’re just lacking that certain cougar quality, like they’re just too nice and approachable or something. Ellen Barkin, on the other hand, is a goddess among women. So take note, 40-year-olds on this show—I might continue to call you cougars, but you are NOT cougars.

Alright. On with the recap. We get to see Mark’s first genuine smile of the series when the Kittens are introduced. We also get to see a person that will later be identified as Lauren, holding her arm up over her head and exposing a very hairy armpit. I mean, come on. You knew you were going to be on TV! Either shave that thing or put your arm down. This isn’t the hippie commune. Heck, this isn’t even France. Keep it in the circus and spare the rest of us. (Ummm … I am a little obsessive about armpit shaving. In case it didn’t show.)

We see a montage of the 20s in their kitchen making fun of the 40s, talking about how the 40s are no competition at all and how their moms are 40. And you know, that’s an obvious but also really interesting point. These women COULD be mothers and daughters. And that’s when I realized that the 20s are generally much closer in age to Mark. There is much less gap between 27 and 30 than there is between 30 and even 39, the youngest of the so-called Cougars. And that seems … not entirely fair. And after all that Kath pointed out about how much Mark has been shown to prefer younger women, I am not really sure where this show is supposed to be going. But what I really think is that I’m not supposed to be thinking this much about it. I am supposed to be watching “hunky” tennis star Mark Philippoussis date older and younger women, and I am not supposed to know anything about his previous dating habits or think too hard about their ages. I am supposed to take things at face value, and so, sigh, I will give it my best shot, Age of Love.

Mark says that he wants to see the Kittens “up close and personal”. I bet he does. NOW can we call him The Scuzz? All of the Kittens come out in bikinis, in contrast to the long formal dresses of the Cougar introductions. Hairy Pit comes out first and Mark says, THREE TIMES, that she is hot. Really, Mark? Is she hot? Are you sure? Why don’t you ask her to do the YMCA and see how hot she is then?

Next we get Adelaide, who was born in Australia, and then Amanda. Mark likes Amanda’s “smile” and “eyes”, or, if you speak guy, “boobs” and “giant mouth”. Mary comes out and I already hate her. A lot. I hate her talking heads, I hate her in the apartment, and I hate how awesome she thinks she is. And so I really hope Mary sticks around for awhile.

And then there is Tessa. Tessa, who warrants her own paragraph. Tessa, who inspired such filthy jokes at my house that I actually cried laughing. Tessa, who claims that she and her malti-poo have the same personality. Even Mark was horrified. His talking head was all, “She has the same personality as her DOG?!?!” I know I’m supposed to be recapping the Kittens, but let’s just take a moment to surmise what Tessa’s dog is like. I’m guessing she’s a bitch that’s into humping legs, sniffing buttholes, and gnawing on bones. And seriously, it totally figures that Tessa has the same kind of dog as Jessica Simpson. Billy called Tessa a walking punchline to every blonde joke ever written and a blow-up doll with less personality. He suggested that perhaps they thought she was in “surgical sales” since she still has a pricetag hanging off her boobs. And as if this wasn’t enough, Tessa tells us that she’s “funny, [has] great morals and great thoughts, and needs an ‘intellectual challenge.’” Girl, if there’s one thing you DON’T need, it’s an intellectual challenge. I think maybe what you MEANT to say that you’re intellectually challenged. I mean, who says they have great thoughts? I heard that and my jaw dropped! But I will say, I have to agree with her on one point—she IS funny. Just not in the way she thinks she is.

Megan comes out and is by far the cutest. She looks like four parts Mandy Moore and one part Jessica Biel. But other than her cuteness, she didn’t make much of an impression. And it’s possible that I might have still been too busy making and laughing at Tessa jokes to pay attention to her.

Well, this IS a dating show and there are sluts and a hot tub (it’s like that rule of deaths coming in threes—these things also come in threes), and so they are going to get in. Mark comments that he’s seen movies with one guy in a hot tub with a bunch of beautiful girls and now he’s that guy. I bet you have seen that movie, Scuzz. Tell me, did you have to raid your dad’s closet or duck shamefully into the back room at the local privately-owned video store? But then something really funny happens—it is COMPLETELY silent. And awkward. I am loving it. You can practically hear the crickets up on the roof in the middle of LA. I’ve never been to LA, mind you, but I don’t imagine there being too many crickets. But the crickets that they do have were all on that roof, at least in my imagination, chirping with impeccable comedic timing.

Mark tells us in a talking head that he was wondering what the 40-year-olds were doing, and we get a very funny edit of them dancing around their apartment in their pajamas with chocolate on their faces. It goes back and forth a few times between them having fun and Mark in the Hot Tub of Awkward Silence, and I am really glad for this edit after last week’s needlepoint/reading/laundry shots. Mark tries to talk to the Kittens, which he and I both describe as “like pulling teeth” and he tries to find something nice to say about them besides commenting on their hotness, and says that he likes how the women in their 20s do multiple things. And then we cut to a bunch of “I’m a student and a bartender” type things. I mean, I get what he’s saying and it’s a nice sentiment and all, but most people who are students have jobs. And the ones who don’t, well … I kind of hate them. I was the 40-hour work week/full-time student girl, and while I think you can certainly admire hard work and diligence, I don’t think these skanks should be considered special just because they manage to do what almost every single other person does. And then you get those people who are in school with jobs AND kids, and it’s even more mind-boggling. And mostly when I hear these girls talk, I think about my life and my friends’ lives and the reason they jump around and do so much is because they have no idea what they’re doing. I have no problem with that, obviously—I have a day job and a side “dream” job—but I just wish people would call it what it is, and not try to glamorize something that’s actually a very typical and usually pretty difficult state of being. Oh, and then Mark and Adelaide flirt, and no one cares.

Okay. Mark comments that the Cougars are more relaxed and he doesn’t have to try as hard. Suddenly we are at a skating rink and Mark is dressed in disco clothes and a giant afro wig. There are costumes for the girls to get into, and I guess this is supposed to be a shout out to something they would have done when they were younger. I don’t know, I missed the whole rollerskating era and frankly, I passionately hate not having control of my feet, so it’s something I generally avoid entirely.

And then something interesting happens.

Mark tells the Cougars that it’s his “first time”. He doesn’t specify skating, and for the first time, we get a hint of Mrs. Robinson. THAT is what I’m talking about.

Mark seems to having a genuinely good time with the Cougars and comments on how hot the Crypt Keeper’s legs look. And I have to give her a break, actually, because the Crypt Keeper really grew on me this episode. I was all ready to make jokes about which one was a more attractive piece of wrinkly plastic, but she really didn’t look as rough this episode. I also had a plan to call her a different horror character every week, such as Krueger (Billy’s suggestion and play off of Cougar) or Leatherface, but I will give her a break. I still am not going to call her Kelli, but I will stick to Crypt Keeper—the funniest and most lovable of the horror characters.

Angela says something about how women in their 20s are total messes. We cut to Mary crying hysterically and being generally whiny and overemotional about how she blew it with Mark by the pool. And it’s all just very dramatic and strange, and her voice annoys me so much. I comment on this multiple times before Billy notices that she is a dialysis technician and suggests that perhaps “she annoys the piss out of her patients.” Well, I know it was true for me.

We go back to the skating rink where Jayanna is snarking about Angela’s limbo “win” that got her some alone time with Mark. Many of the girls start making comparisons to being in high school or eighth grade, and it’s easy to see how, especially in this kind of situation. And I know I did a lot of complaining about the Cougars last week and how they should just act their age, and that’s the thing that’s so sweet about this date—they ARE acting their age. They’re having a genuinely good time doing something they probably really enjoyed in their youth. They all seem happy and fun, and I’d rather be around them too. And I think Mark is starting to actually realize the value of older women, which I think is a neat thing to watch.

And it’s a really stark contrast between the Cougars and the Kittens. I was predicting that the Cougars would be desperate and pathetic and that the Kittens would be bitchy. And not that those things aren’t true, but more than anything, the Kittens are SO insecure. And that’s what makes them bitchy. And that is also pathetic in its own way. But there’s just more dignity with the Cougars. I don’t expect to see any emotional breakdowns on camera from them. They know how to hold it together, and they know that life is going to go on. They probably go home and cry too, but I think they at least have the self-awareness to realize that they are crying about things BESIDES Mark, like that they are afraid of being alone. It doesn’t make for as interesting TV, but it does give me some hope in humanity. Of course, that said, I really can’t wait for the Kittens to start getting kicked off and thinking the world is over, and you KNOW these girls are not used to being told “no”. They’re not going to handle it well.

Okay. Mark invites Amanda, Adelaide, and Megan over to his apartment for food and games. The three of them are walking down the hall with their arms linked like they are freshmen walking to a frat party. And this reminds me of the time in college that I got drunk and hung out the passenger side of a window and yelled “freshman hoes!” in an old lady voice at some freshmen doing just that. I am mostly excited about this date because it means I get to spend more time looking at Mark’s puppy! Yay for puppies! I’m a little perplexed, though, because I can’t figure out what the dog’s name is. Billy thought he said “Kia”, but that can’t be right. Although if you must name a dog after a car, I think “Land Rover” would be funny. Anyway, until this is cleared up, I am just calling the puppy “Puppy”.

It turns out they are playing DDR. Puppy gives them a “huh?” look. There is almost nothing noteworthy about this date except that Adelaide pulls Mark away to tell him that she likes him. Sure, she likes him, but does she like-like him? It’s pretty obvious he’s into her so I’m not sure she really needed to have this conversation, but I guess that’s what happens when you are both confrontational and insecure. And I’ve been there, so … takes one to know one.

I find these little bits in between the dates and the eliminations so interesting. For example, this is the point where I really start to hate Angela. She tells us that with the Cougars, Mark gets “the age and wisdom of an older woman, but the looks of a younger woman,” and then we see her doing this thing that is hard to explain but does communicate quite clearly how hot she thinks she is. And Angela is pretty, don’t get me wrong, and she’s got amazingly beautiful hair, but mostly she is pretty in a girl-next-door type of way, which is sort of interesting on a 40-year-old. But I also realize at this point that she reminds me of a girl I went to elementary school with that I hated. She was just kind of the teacher’s pet and really competitive and snotty and thought she was so great, but as it turned out, she was just a very average, plain girl with nice hair and rosacea.

Meanwhile, MARY of all people is in the Kitten Kitchen mocking menopausal mood swings without a hint of irony. Seriously, Mary? Absolutely no self-awareness. And it’s just like … there are so many things to say about this, but none of them really do justice to how ridiculous she is so I can’t even bother.

Mark kind of laughs and says he wonders if the Cougars are going to be mad at him for not telling them about the Kittens, and this is when I realize that I like this show because it’s SO high school! He’s two-timing the Cougars! And then I wonder when two-timing becomes cheating. But I never come up with a good answer.

Billy and I make our predictions for the final elimination. Mark has to eliminate one from each group, so I pick Jennifer, since he pointed out that she is old enough to be his mother, and Hairy Pit, the reason for which should be fairly obvious. Billy chooses Maria, since we didn’t see much of her this episode, and Mary, which I think was wishful thinking on his part. All I know is that I do NOT want to see Tessa leave, and Billy comforts me with the notion that the producers won’t let that happen.

Speaking of Tessa, she also would look terrifying in HD. She’s just not very pretty, and she looks like she’s spent a lot of nights chain smoking and making herself puke. The Crypt Keeper, after seeing the Kittens, says that she’s “really going to start looking [her] age”, and I just want to take her aside and say, “Girl, I’ve got some bad new for you …” Lynn gets faked out and gets to stay, but her hair looks terrible. Really frizzy and bad. And it’s interesting, because as Billy pointed out, she’s probably the youngest looking Cougar and most of that is probably due to her being a makeup artist. I mean, wasn’t there anyone around who could teach her how to do her hair? Even get some hot rollers or SOMETHING to smooth that mess out. And at the beginning of the episode, I was really thinking she looked like Patricia Heaton, but by the end, it hit me. She is the spitting image of Fran Drescher. And it’s not a bad thing, really—Fran Drescher, while having one of the most annoying voices in the known universe, is actually really pretty.

Blah, blah, a bunch of boring non-eliminations. Lauren gets the boot and I am all, “In your face!” to Billy. I think Jen is totally going to get it and so does Angela, apparently, because when Jen gets called Angela does this catty little smile that makes my hate for her and my childhood nemesis flare up all over again. But then Jennifer is safe and Amanda and her enormous jugs are gone, and I am once again pretty impressed by Mark, because I feel like he really did get over his own age hang up.

Next week … oh, whatever. I’m sure it’ll be more of the same. But I must put in a plug for checking out the show’s NBC website. There’s a section on the photo page that has pictures of the Cougars in their 20’s, and it’s actually really interesting. Jen was like a Diane Lane-level babe (I LOVE Diane Lane! Total compliment), Jayanna looked a lot like the hot brunette from the Doritos commercials, and Lynn … well, Lynn was one of those people that has sort of always looked like she’s 40. Still, gives you a little perspective. You hear that Kittens? Perspective. Get some.

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.

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