AGE OF LOVE Recap: Cry Me a River

Episode: Four
Original Airdate: 7/9/07
GMMR Recapper: SB

No Billy this week! He had to work late, and so now we’ll see if I sink or swim. And let me tell you—in middle school and high school, we always got divided up in our gym class by how well we could swim. I was always, ALWAYS, in the group with the “special” kids.

So I was obviously pretty bored and watching last week’s rerun before the new one, and I noticed at the end that the Crypt Keeper is REALLY tall. They’re going to have to get her one of those NBA-sized coffins.

Credits open with The Scuzz playing tennis. This makes me wonder … if he is in fact “in the prime of an impressive career”, as they would have us believe, why isn’t he at Wimbledon? Or IS he at Wimbledon? I don’t really follow tennis nor care enough to research it. I consulted my most knowledgeable tennis-loving friend, JP, about this, and he texted me the following: “No. Injured/famous.” He also went on to send me this insightful little gem, which I promised to share with all three of you who read this: “A classic point: Tennis is the sport where ‘love’ literally means nothing. Zero.” So it works out, since love also means nothing on this show.

Also, as I’m watching the credits, I realize that I miss Adelaide! And also Hairy Pit, and it makes me sad that I can’t make any Hairy Pitter jokes in time for the release of the new movie. Do I dare admit on the internet, THE INTERNET, that I have never read a Harry Potter book and have only seen the first and third movies and part of the second? But still, I think that Harry Potter is such a culturally pervasive phenomenon that it is the right, nay the DUTY, of all of us to make jokes about it.

For reasons that I absolutely cannot fathom, there is some lame Abraham Lincoln quote floating in the pool. Not for real, just in bad special effects. If you can even call them special. It’s more a bad mediocre effect. And I see now that without Billy to focus my energy on filthy jokes, this is going to be a recap of tangents. Mary whines about moving in with the Cougars. Tessa whines. And just when I think we’re going to get a montage of whining, we see Jen trying to be kind of nice about welcoming the Kittens. Jayanna snarks about making them a fattening welcome treat (as if any of those girls eat food) and then continues to wax old lady about respecting your elders and about how she is not afraid to bend them over her knee and spank them. NOW you’re getting the hang of how to win this game, Jayanna! Now if only we could get you to stop covering all your furniture in plastic …

Mary tells us in a talking head that she cries when she’s mad. Hello, and ALWAYS. This is Mary crying #1.

The women are told to come downstairs wearing workout clothes. Amanda, who is a dancer, claims that she’s the least athletic person there. I don’t even see how that’s possible. I am a terrible dancer and therefore pretty much never do it, but even I know how much endurance and coordination that takes. Amanda has some weird self-esteem issues. Anyway, they’ll be doing a triathlon which ends at a luxurious boat, where only the first three will get to stay with Mark. Crypt Keeper says that she is physically fit and just because the Kittens are skinny doesn’t mean they’re strong. You go, Crypt Keeper! I am right with you on that one. It’s a good thing these girls’ heads are so full of air or their skinny little bodies would probably collapse under the weight of their skulls.

Tessa twists her ankle and appears to be in pain but is still going and claims that she is tough and “can suck it up”. Hee!!! All of a sudden, a fire truck comes out of nowhere and we go to commercial break and I am utterly confused.

Hairspray. Are you kidding me? Further evidence that this is the worst summer for movies in the history of EVER.

We’re back, and apparently what I thought was a fire truck is an ambulance for Tessa. Since when did they start making those things red? Anyway, Tessa doesn’t think they should touch it anymore, and I am absolutely positive that that’s the first time in her life she’s ever said that. Tessa is such a wiener, but then—you are what you eat. Jen is in last place because of cramps. No, not THAT kind. I’m pretty sure Jen hasn’t had that kind of cramps in at least ten years. No, it’s a leg cramp. So the race ends and Jayanna is first, Amanda is second, and the Crypt Keeper is in third. Mary is crying (#2) again about losing the race, but saying it’s because she’s tired. Which is true, if by “tired” she means effing crazy.

I can tell at this point that I’m getting bored. I don’t even like working out, and I especially don’t like watching people work out. So I start noticing things like how Amanda has remarkably round boobs. And how is Tessa’s hair always so bouffant-y and round (much like Amanda’s boobs)? I’ve got to think it has something to do with her extensions, but I am not beautician and if I were, I would never do someone’s hair like that. It looks like utter, trashy crap.

Each of the girls on the boat could have one course with Mark, and Crypt Keeper thinks she got lucky by getting the appetizers since she is starving. I think she got lucky because who knows if she’ll live long enough to see dessert? I kid! You can’t kill the dead. Amanda gets jealous (shocking) that Scuzz and Crypt kissed a little, and then Jayanna goes in for dinner. OMG, you guys. She starts spouting off about how she has a confession, and I puke a little in my mouth when she tells him that she has butterflies. And before I can even finish typing in my notes “STFU Jayanna”, she says that she is laying it all out there, putting all her cards on the table, that Mark has such a big heart, blah blah blah. She is a cliché factory! But she does get a genuine laugh out of Mark by asking if he’s still hungry. He starts to say no and she says, “Because I know you don’t want to have dessert with Amanda!” and laughs, and it’s actually a little cute. And I hate Jayanna, so you can trust me on that one. Amanda goes in for dessert and Jayanna and Crypt Keeper talk about how Amanda is goo-goo over Mark and completely gone for him.

Amanda looks kind of like his old fiancé, based solely on like one picture that I saw of her, in that she had long dark hair, except Amanda is much taller and looks considerably less like a child bride. I cannot figure out why she keeps talking in Spanish when she just has to translate for herself, so I go look it up on the website and it just says that she is fluent in Spanish. I have no idea how she got that way or why it is important to us, and it’s actually really annoying me. Mark says he wants to kiss her and he’s being a total eighth grader about it. And it’s weird how this show keeps bringing out the junior high/high school kid in everyone.

The next event is playing tennis. Ooooh, shocking. Shocking in that they waited until the fourth episode to do this. Amanda is totally turned on by Mark playing tennis. Mark is impressed that Tessa came out dressed to play even though she had an injured ankle and SAT THERE. Hey Mark, I am sitting here AND writing this recap AND eating cereal … how impressed are you now? Amanda is jealous about everything. And this is annoying me, because I want to like Amanda and I think that she’s a generally very nice person, but this is ridiculous. If you are THAT jealous, you should not be on a dating show with multiple women competing for one man. This is not a new concept and you had to have known, and I just do not understand this at all.

Anyway, Mary is giggling like a twelve-year-old boy in her talking head about saying the word “balls” and she actually makes herself cry from laughing. There’s #3. I must be getting bored again, because I notice that Megan has no boobs. Tessa decides that she isn’t going to impress Mark by sitting in the shade drinking lemonade (although who cares, since that sounds way more awesome than tennis and it’s not like he’s going to kick off the injured girl), so she gets up and plays with her bad ankle. And if I were her partner, I’d be mad at her for making me lose, but then, I’m a bad sport. Anyway, Mark says that Tessa getting up to play on her injured ankle earned her big points with him … big silicone points. And he’s an athlete, and should therefore know that playing injured is really stupid and can end up with much worse injuries. Idiots. Of course, what else would you expect from Age of Love?

Mary claims that the Cougars are stepping up their game because they’re threatened by the Kittens, except actually the Cougars are not stepping up anything and they are just already better than the Kittens in every single way. Well, except for Jayanna, but I will just cancel her and Mary out since I hate them both so much. The Cougars win the tournament and are understandably pissed when Tessa is rewarded with alone time with Mark and they played all that tennis for nothing. I’d be pissed too … what kind of sport in the year 2007 makes you play in a skirt? They all go back to their apartment and are snippy with each other, and Jayanna tells the Kittens to shut up. I have sort of mixed feelings about this, since I too like to tell the Kittens to shut up, but I don’t think I tell anyone individually to shut up more than Jayanna. Oh well. Jayanna says they are acting like prima donnas. Mary tries, badly, to stand up to Jayanna, who says that she’s not taking back what she said. Mary runs out of the room crying, and that is #4. And we have just reached the halfway point of the episode.

Amanda says the Cougars are insecure, which is just so funny coming from her, and Mary cries into a book, which cracks me up. It’s like she only got half the memo describing a Kleenex box and all she heard was “rectangle” and “paper”. Because please—you know she cannot read. And then she calls the Cougars insecure. Is there an echo in here? She is also crying in her talking head, which I count as #5.

Tessa gets ready for her date by trying to cover up her eye bags and wrinkles and it’s really too bad that Lynn doesn’t still live there, because she could definitely teach Tessa a thing or two about makeup. Tessa is a 23-year-old hag, I tell you. Your rough living should not be catching up to you so soon. Anyway. She gets to Mark’s apartment, which is decked out in roses, candles, and a violinist (what? Haven’t you ever heard of CDs?), and she cannot stop touching her extensions. And then, as if Tessa isn’t annoying enough already, she starts doing that thing where she uses a lot of unnecessary words so that she sounds smart but really it just makes her sound stupider. And I have a lot of experience with this since I once spent about six months taking housing complaints at the health department.

Amanda is jealous that Tessa is in there with Mark, since she thinks that “Tessa is an amazing woman,” which further proves that she is, as Billy may have called me a time or two, bat-shit insane. Mary is crying for the sixth time because she hasn’t gotten to spend any time with Mark, and this one may actually be from an earlier talking head, but I like thinking that Mary cries this many individual times and I know the producers want me to think that, so I’m going to roll with it, and then tells us that she hasn’t felt this bad about herself in a long, long time. And I do not believe that at all—Mary is the poster-child for self-loathing. And I actually think that there is something seriously psychologically wrong with her. I have a B.A. in psychology, so I think that makes me fit to diagnose reality show contestants in a blog. But that said, I am not going to stop hating or mocking her. We all have issues, but we don’t all take them on network TV, and she is therefore asking for it.

Back at the date, Tessa is bringing up Amanda, and saying how much she likes Mark and how there’s an obvious attraction there and how if he doesn’t feel that way about her to just say so now. This is such a classic manipulator move, and also an insecure move. Tessa gets to see how she stacks up against Amanda, while making him reassure her. Meanwhile, if he’s NOT that into Amanda, she gets passively painted as a little psychotic. Well done, Tessa, except you’re not enough of a prize to pull that crap off.

Scuzz wants to have one last talk with each of them. He asks Tessa about the Amanda thing, which she never really answers. And what is going on with The Hair? She curled the top layer and it’s like she isn’t even trying to hide the extensions. I wonder for a second if this is just a haircut and that’s her real hair, but blondes really never have hair that thick because it’s so fine. Her hair is down here, but if I had to describe it when it’s in a ponytail, I’d go with “globe with a rattail”. Tessa says that she doesn’t know Mark very well but then goes on to say that he has all these amazing qualities, and what? That makes no sense, and I tune out so I don’t lose anymore IQ points just by watching this garbage.

Jayanna says she will get more aggressive if she needs to. How could she possibly be any more aggressive? The cliché factory heats up and she tells him like three times how much she feels a connection to him, and then she starts BABY TALKING. Wow. That is like seriously in my top three pet peeves, and I have a lot of pet peeves. I mean, real-looking fake yard animals made the list, so you know it’s pretty thorough. My skin crawls as Jayanna says that he is holding back and she doesn’t know why because he should have kissed her by now, and Mark gets this kind of sparkle in his eye and genuinely smiles, and I think this bossy older woman thing is really kind of doing it for him. Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson!

Maria comes in and calls him out on wearing Jayanna’s lipstick. Scuzz starts to say he doesn’t want to come across as a player, but Maria interrupts him to tell her that what he does with the other girls isn’t her business, but what happens between the two of them is. Maria thinks she’s being cool about the whole thing and actually, I do too, but I’m not sure if that method is going to work here. Can’t quite put my finger on why not, though. Anyway, he kisses her on the lips but it’s still pretty much a peck, and there is just no heat there at all.

Crypt Keeper is telling Mark that she has feelings for him and that they all want him to find love, but if it’s not with her it’ll break her heart a little, and Mark gives her this look that is sad and kind of full of pity, and I know in that moment that she’s going home tonight. But she obviously didn’t catch it because she leaned in and kissed him.

Amanda goes in and starts to cry and he tells her please don’t cry and kisses her, and it actually looks very boyfriendly. And then she brings up Mark and The Crypt Keeper kissing (I think she was referring to on the boat). And I just want to say, Amanda, do not do this to yourself! Even if Mark is worth it, which the jury is still out on, you could really win this thing if you’d stop being so crazy. He likes you! Just roll with it!

We come back from break to Mark truly being kind of a Scuzz and telling Amanda that even though he has kissed other women, she’s the only one he kiss-kissed. WTF? That is the most ridiculous, player thing ever. And she BUYS it! Wow. He should totally be like, listen, we’re on a dating show and I’m dating eight women. You’re one of them, deal with it. Or at least be more straightforward about it. I just think that was shady.

Megan didn’t feel the instant electricity because everyone was nervous. Mary spouts crap. Jen says that if Mark wants to see more of her, she has to see more of him (ahem). Jen asks Mark, again in a baby voice, to kiss her, and he does, and apparently it was pretty hot. At this point, I think Megan is going down because I think Mark can care less about Megan or Mary, and the producers are probably more partial to Mary because she’s such a lunatic. Mary says that if she gets sent home tonight, she won’t sit in the corner and cry. This is, of course, total bullshit, and even Mary kind of realizes that, which makes her somewhat endearing for like a nanosecond, until I remember every single other word she’s ever said and go back to hating her.

I get a little thrown off because Mark goes to their apartment instead of doing the pool-side eliminations and just starts kicking them off there, without asking the other women to stay. Maybe they read this recap and realized how much I don’t care about their stupid eliminations! He kicks Tessa off, presumably over the Amanda thing, and good for him, and for some unexplained reason, Megan is crying on the couch. He then kicks off the Crypt Keeper, and says there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s just that he has more feeling for the other women. And now all the blondes are officially gone.

The Crypt Keeper tells us in a talking head that she doesn’t need to be reminded of her age (better watch out for those mirrors, then!) or that she’s been single her whole life and that she felt blindsided and is hurt by being eliminated. And I know I gave the Crypt Keeper a really hard time, but I truly did like her and I’ll kind of miss her. I’d have much rather seen Maria or Jayanna go, but apparently Mark is turned on by women who make my ears bleed.

Join us next week when The Scuzz will kiss Maria like a friend, Amanda will get jealous, and Mary will cry. Like sands in the hourglass, people.

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.