AGE OF LOVE Recap: Good Gravy

Episode: Five
Original Airdate: 7/16/07
GMMR Recapper: SB

We begin again with a lame quote, this time across some sort of reflective surface. Piano? Desk? Who knows. And I know it’s possible that they’ve been doing this all along and I only just noticed it the past two episodes, but it’s like those people who have car accidents and all they can remember is getting in the car and then waking up in the ambulance and they block out the rest because it’s just too traumatic.

Anyway, this week Mark is supposed to be taking the girls on dates to do stuff he likes doing. So first up, he invites Megan, Mary, and Maria to go surfing. And when he’s on the phone with them, the puppy starts frolicking and jumping up on him and she is SO CUTE! While these ho bags try to win Mark’s heart, the puppy has totally won my heart.

This is possibly the whiniest episode of anything I have ever seen, and while a lot of this is due to the fact that Megan starts talking in this one (good job, girl—only took you five hour-long episodes to develop a personality and THIS is what you come up with?), the whining actually begins with Amanda, who wants to go on a date with Mark. And she has stronger feelings for him than anyone in the house, or have you somehow managed to miss this? And I’m pretty sure she’d be stomping her feet right now if she wasn’t lying on her back. And, you know, there are plenty of jokes to be made about that, but I feel that this is a good time to share with you all that Billy feels that she bears a resemblance to Hilary Swank and seems to only know her by the nickname he has given her, Hilary Skank.

We see the date rolling up to the beach in one of those cute little woody surf cars, and for the first time since watching this show, I am officially lusting! “We’re gonna need a montage, montage” of the girls being bad at surfing. Back at the apartment, Amanda is looking out the window and, according to Billy, “contemplating jumping”. Jayanna thinks Amanda is more into Mark than he’s into her, and Jen hopes that Amanda can keep a grasp on the reality of the situation. Which is a sweet sentiment, but that ship has totally sailed. And Jayanna repeats this thought several times throughout the episode, but I am over talking about it so this is my last mention.

Back at the beach, Mary announces (and not in a talking head, mind you) how proud of herself she is. For surfing badly? Suddenly everyone is lying around on blankets eating, and Mark says that other than the sand in his crotch, he’s having a good time. Mary talking heads that she loves Mark’s sense of humor, kudos to you, editing guys! Nicely done.

Before I know what’s happening, Mark is flying a kite. Megan says, “It’s pretty, yay!” and this somehow entices Mark to invite her on a walk. At this point, Megan is coming across as a very dumb twelve-year-old. I thought, at the time, that that was insulting, but it turns out that dumb twelve-year-old is as good as it gets, so drink it in. Mary and Maria bond back on their blankets, and Mary tells Maria that she worries that she’s not doing well enough. Maria tells her not to worry about it and to just be her “beautiful self”. Sigh.

Maria tells us that at this age, she doesn’t chase and she doesn’t have to. Meanwhile, Mary goes and joins (read: interrupts) Mark and Megan’s walk. And it is so, so awkward. Mary once again talks about only herself, as Mark holds Megan’s hand up for her to spin around and completely ignores Mary. Mary tells us that she doesn’t see any forward recognization [sic] from Mark. Maria tells us that the attention is clearly all on Megan, and we see Megan playing the “let me stand on your feet and you walk me around” game. Apparently all two pounds of Megan are too heavy for Mark’s delicate flower petal feet and he tells her he thinks she outgrew that game. Maria finishes the date out for us by telling us, hilariously, that she “did not come here to find a man who finds conversation with a 21-year-old titillating for like, five hours.”

Back at home, Amanda is jealous that Megan got alone time with Megan. Things I am shocked by: How much I loved Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. That Bush got “elected” not once, but twice. Sticking my finger in an electrical socket. This? Not so much.

Amanda and Jayanna are going on a date where they will be getting “reel”. Jayanna makes the stupidest, lamest joke I have ever heard about how, OMG, he knows I’ve been faking it all along? And I just want to punch her. And I know people don’t understand why I hate Jayanna so much, but really, it’s because of things like this. Like how she thinks she’s so cute. Maybe you also think she’s so cute, and that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. Just know that if you express it to me, I will be silently judging you. Anyway, Amanda says that it sucks to be sharing a date with someone so aggressive, and she’s right, but it also sucks to share a date with someone so psychotic and who you know could turn all knife-wielding maniac at any second, so … Jayanna isn’t threatened by Amanda because she doesn’t see her as a major contender.

Now, I realize that this is the Indiana girl in me coming out, but when I heard getting “reel”, I really thought they were going fishing. I mean I “reely” thought that. But no, they are having a “Moroccan” themed movie night. Billy claims that the set-up was based on Casablanca, but absolutely no one else notices this or points it out, so I am starting to doubt him. But here’s the thing—Billy is always right. And I mean always right. And yet I still make bets with him, and this is how I have ended up paying for dinner at Red Lobster more than once, and so I am just going to go with him on this one for once.

Mark takes Jayanna outside for a drink and asks her what she wants. Jayanna talks about her divorce and how sometimes you feel like the love is gone but you keep working on it and that she wants someone stable. And it pisses me off to have to say this, but when Mark and Jayanna talk, and not just this time but regularly, there seems to be some actual chemistry there. Furthering the point (and further pissing me off), Mark tells her, really cutely, on the way in that she looks glamorous and asks if she’s wearing any underwear. Of course she’s not, and I hope she broke out the Swiffer Duster, because we wouldn’t want those cobwebs dragging the floor. (Product placement! Give me some money, Swiffer!)

Back in Debatable Casablanca, Mark is the meat in the love sandwich as he lays on the pillows between Amanda and Jayanna. He’s laying on his side facing Jayanna, which her egotistical ass takes to mean he is giving her positive body language, but then Amanda reveals in a talking head that she was scratching Mark’s back and that they were holding hands under the blanket. And also, I just had like a serious flashback to boy-girl parties in like eighth grade. Except I was only cool enough to get invited, not to hold hands under blankets with boys. And actually, it’s a wonder I even got invited in the first place, since I wore an oversized Mickey Mouse t-shirt to my first boy-girl party in the sixth grade. I was so not cool.

Where was I? Mark decided that it was Amanda’s turn for alone time and said it was kind of awkward when he walked Jayanna back to the limo. With Jayanna gone, the flirting begins with Amanda saying, “Hola,” and I am ready to punch her like Million Dollar Baby. (See what I just did there?) They then proceed to perform the most disgusting French kiss I have ever seen on TV, complete with a full-on view of their tongues.

I do manage to hold down the puke though by distracting myself with this little tidbit—it is confirmed through the magic of subtitles that Mark’s dog’s name is Kia. Write your own joke, my spirit is too broken.

Again, back at the apartment. Seriously, the location changes and just pacing in general of this episode are making me a little dizzy. Jen is annoyed that she hasn’t gotten a date with Mark. We cut to a hilarious shot of Mark on a motorcycle, complete with vroom vroom noises and him taking his helmet off and running his hand through his hair. Are you sure we’re in LA? There’s so much cheese I thought maybe we moved the show to Wisconsin. Jen is going on the date and Megan is making bratty five-year-old faces.

Mary has waited all this time to cry, which is shocking, but not to worry because she’s totally going to make up for lost time. She claims to not care about the Cougars and says she’s upset because Amanda has this great connection with Mark and Megan is coming out of her shell and getting excited and she has nothing (and as if I don’t hate Mary enough already, I now hate her for getting that Whitney Houston song stuck in my head). Mary Crying Count: 1.

Jen comes out in the leather outfit Mark brought over for her looking unbelievably hot. Billy says, “Aw, look! They made a jacket out of The Crypt Keeper, and they even had enough left over for pants!” Maria says that Jen looks great and that she’s been cooped up for a couple days and needs to get out and get some air, and that she’ll be getting a lot of air today and will be getting windblown. I bet if Mark plays his cards right, he could get “windblown” too. Jen says that this is the perfect date for her and that she loves speed, and so naturally we see them taking the slowest motorcycle ride ever. Easy there, daredevil.

They stop at an overlook I am almost positive was in “A Cinderella Story” starring Hilary Duff. I know, I know. Silently judge if you must. Back at the house, Megan wishes she was on a motorcycle date since (pouty voice) “Motorcycles rule!” Mary says maybe Mark wants to get to know Jen before he cuts her, which … makes no sense whatsoever. Cut back to Mark and Jen making out at the overlook. They compliment each other’s soft lips and I wonder, do they use Burt’s Beeswax? (I accept cash or check!)

Back at the apartment, Mary is crying (#2). She is then crying in her talking head (#3) about how Megan and Amanda have “left” her. Everyone looks sick of Mary crying all the time, and Megan even says “good gravy!” in a talking head.

Jen wants to show Mark what a 48-year-old woman is all about. They look like they’re in some sort of biker bar playing pool, and there is lots of bending over and making out, not necessarily simultaneously, and all of this is very sexy to me because I just saw Roadhouse for the first time this weekend. And actually, I missed the first half. Still, biker bar=hot. Jen kicks Mark’s butt at pool and then they go lounge on a couch where she asks him who else he has kissed, and he pulls the old don’t kiss and tell. So Jen switches gears and asks if he wants to kiss her, and he says, “I think you know the answer to that.” And something about the way he says it just repulses me. And I think maybe it’s a combo of his tone and the actual situation, because I hate when someone asks if they can kiss you. NO! If you have to talk about it, the answer is no. Chumps.

Jen comes in and the Kittens are awake and sitting around. Jen comes in and flops down on the couch and starts girl talking, and we get a talking head from Amanda saying how weird it was because Jen’s never said anything to them and how it was like she was bragging about her date or something. What I actually think happened is that Jen came in, they were there, and she both wanted to talk and was trying to be nice, and the Kittens, in all their insecure glory, projected cattiness onto her. Because I will say, Jen has never struck me as bitchy and I think she’s probably been the least catty woman there. I think that Jen not talking to the Kittens has more to do with the fact that she seems like a naturally pretty introverted person, and Jayanna seems to dominate a lot of her time. But she seems to express genuine concern that people don’t get hurt, and when the Kittens were moving in, she was the one that suggested doing something to welcome them. I don’t think she just goes with the flow necessarily, but I don’t think she’s a strong enough personality to just change the flow altogether.

Meanwhile, and I’m not sure if something provoked me to write this in my notes or if I just thought of it during a commercial or something, but I am really cracked up at how much Jayanna thinks she’s the one to beat. She’s so oblivious and self-centered in a really weird way. I guess it’s worked for her all these years because a lot of self-centered people focus on themselves in an insecure way (I’m looking at you, Mary), but she just thinks she’s the greatest. And it’s hard to argue with that kind of person. And, because I really don’t think Jayanna can win this, I am really excited to see her reaction when she’s eliminated. Don’t get me wrong, I think she’ll go to the final four (enjoy your last week, Maria), but IF there’s a Cougar that can pull this one off, and I’m not really convinced there is, it’s Jen. In my opinion, anyway. I just think that it’s weird how Jayanna doesn’t seem to really underestimate the other women … in fact, she doesn’t seem to “estimate” them at all. She just really overestimates herself.

This led me to thinking later, on the toilet, about how much different all these women would be if they weren’t pretty. And I don’t want to get into it with everyone, mostly because I don’t want to end up being inadvertently insulting, which this kind of speculation seems to inevitably be, but Jayanna is an especially interesting case to me because I think she’d be a much different person if she weren’t as pretty. She’s clearly intelligent, articulate, outgoing … I just think she’d be a better person if she had been forced to develop those things more, and if she’d had some humility forced upon her. And of course “better person” is subjective, but still. Happier, more adjusted, more loved, more self-aware, less oblivious … whatever you want to call it. And it makes me sad because I feel like Jayanna, in being such a beautiful woman, has really missed out on some of her full potential as a human.

Mary is crying for the fourth time in a talking head (although it’s the same one as earlier, but I’ve told you I’m ignoring that fact). Maria knows that Mark is not the one for her and is saying, again, that she is going to go home. Mary says that if she were Mark, she’d send Jen or Jayanna home because they’re fake (eye roll). Jayanna would eliminate Amanda, and obviously, the producers are baiting them. Baiting for cattyfish! Oh, that was so lame. Amanda doesn’t want to be the shock tonight, and I sit and mull over how disappointed I am that she didn’t say “shocker”, because that is an untapped reservoir of filth.

Boring elimination crap, Amanda jealous, blah blah, who cares. It comes down to Maria and Mary and they are standing on a platform together talking. Maria has her hand over Mary’s heart, not quite on her boob, and is telling her that she will love her (?) and gives her a pep talk and says that she can call her any time. Billy calls it “slutty sorority girl meets horny housemother”. And I am sitting there thinking, you know, this is actually really nice because Mary seems like someone who needs a good mother figure.

Mark calls Maria down and asks her to stay. Maria babbles, touches him on the chest (what is her DEAL today?), and laughs hysterically. Mark says that on the date, he felt like he already knew her and needed to spend time getting to know Mary and Megan. Maria says, in a talking head, that it’s the dimples, and before I know what is happening, she has agreed to stay. And I don’t care how much I hate her, that was a shit thing to do to Mary. Maria says in a talking head that so much was going through her head that she didn’t think of Mary, but it’s still really no excuse.

Also, I am really pissed off at Maria because she says really good thing sometimes, and she can be really warm and friendly and caring, and I want to like her, but then it’s just not the real her. But I hate that I am even tempted to like her.

Mark calls Mary down to eliminate her and she’s trying to be all tough girl/I don’t care about it, but you can tell she does, a lot. This girl has such a fragile ego that if she walked up to someone on the street and asked the time and they weren’t wearing a watch, she’d take it personally. Anyway, she tells him he can look her in the face, and I am instantly back to hating her. Mark doesn’t feel like he really knows her, which she claims is not really her fault, and she tells him that he is missing out. Which I am pretty sure is Clue #1 that he is not, in fact, missing out on anything. Mary tells him to get to know the remaining women really well and to make a better choice next time, and then she says something that fills my entire body with rage—she says, in a faux perky voice, “’Kay?” How he managed to stand there and listen to that and have her finish it off like that and not punch her in the face is completely beyond me.

Mary walks back to the girls and cries (#5) and then cries in her talking head (#6) about how she is leaving with her dignity. Too bad she never even showed up with any dignity. Back to filtering the piss with you.

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.