AGE OF LOVE Recap: Into the Woods

Episode: Six
Original Air Date: 7/23/08
GMMR Recapper: SB

What an action-packed episode! Note to producers: your show could have been this interesting all along if you would have involved alcohol sooner. Haven’t you ever seen The Bachelor?

We begin with Jayanna calling Maria out about not leaving like she said she was going to for the second time. Which, good. Someone needs to address that. Maria says that you have to give a man credit for showing up the way that he does when he does. Jayanna points out that he hasn’t really been around for Maria very much and asks if Maria really thinks he’s going to show up for her. And while it’s a very valid point and question, it’s also still pretty catty. Like it would be a fine thing to say to your best friend who knows that you love her, but not a fine thing to say to someone that you barely know and with whom you competing for the guy in question. And also, I’m not sure what the point of asking that is anyway, if it’s to try to convince Maria to leave or to make her more defensive toward Mark, but Maria doesn’t buy into it, and good for her.

Jayanna continues her multi-sided attack in a talking head and says that Amanda has made it clear that she is leaving with Mark, but Jayanna says that no one takes her man away from her. Cut to everyone sitting around and Jayanna carrying on about how it doesn’t make sense to her to fall in love so quickly, and it’s obviously directed at Amanda. Megan talking heads, hilariously, that she is in school and gets enough lectures from her professors and doesn’t need to sit here and listen to another one from this woman. Except instead of woman, you can tell she almost says “bitch”, and if she had not stopped herself and actually said that, Megan could have come out as my absolute favorite person in this episode. Amanda correctly points out that Jayanna is trying to get them to disconnect Mark and is saying that he’s not good enough for them and so on, and seems to realize that it’s manipulative. I’m glad everyone is getting as sick of stupid Jayanna as I am.

The women are told that they are going camping and to be packed up and meet at the RV downstairs in 20 minutes. Maria tells us that she loves camping and thinks it’s the perfect time for Mark to create romance and “yumminess”. SICK. Remember how I have that extensive list of peeves? Referring to things that aren’t food (and even that is borderline) as “yummy” is SO on that list. Jen remembers to pack toilet paper and Jayanna whispers to her not to share their secrets. We have already heard that Megan has zero camping experience, so I am hoping for her sake that she is prepared to hold it. Except wait, I get a glimpse of the “RV”, and I am positive that it has a bigger bathroom in it than my apartment. Why? Because that that is SO not an RV. It’s more like a tour bus for a rock band. Putting a gaggle of desperate sluts on it only adds to the effect.

Amanda hopes that Jen and Jayanna act at the campground the same way that they act at home. And I must be missing something, because aside from the debate over what happened when Jen got back from the motorcycle date, I’ve never really seen her antagonize the Kittens in any way. But they all seem pretty adamant about Jen and Jayanna, so who knows what is really happening that we don’t see.

Meanwhile, what Mark says: “Oh, I really like Megan, she makes me smile and things she says just lighten the mood …” What Mark means: “Megan is dumb.”

They “hike” to the most contrived campground ever, where they do not do anything and it is basically all set up for them except for the tents, and I am pretty convinced that they had a significant amount of help with those. This is so lame. Jayanna thinks Mark is so rugged and outdoorsy, and in another moment of pure love from me to the editing room, Mark about lights his eyebrows on fire with a canister of matches. Yes, he’s as outdoorsy as Richard Simmons. Did I say outdoorsy? I meant flaming.

Mark invites Maria to go for a walk with him to look for firewood, and he actually kisses her like More Than a Friend! And I find myself wishing that I could actually believe the things that Maria says because she’d be so cool if she did, like how she demands that Mark not be a jerk to her. And it occurs to me that Maria is like a really cool 17-year-old, which is cool when you’re 17 but not when you’re 42. And it takes me awhile to figure out why I think that, but I finally conclude that she’s so awesome and has these really great ideas and even has a pretty good idea of herself. She’s not very dramatic, she can be really kind and warm to people and is the only one who seems to try to know the Kittens at all, but she also has this hugely selfish streak, where it’s not even that she’s trying to take other people down, it’s just like she’s the only person that exists in the world. And I think I love and hate Maria so much because she reminds me of my 17-year-old self, where I was just so fine with who I was that I became kind of a steamroller in the process. At some point, you have to look outside yourself and realize that what’s inside you isn’t the totality of who you are, and if you are leaving a trail of destruction behind you, that’s part of who you are too. So … I want Maria to just be more considerate and aware and less selfish, which would make her a better friend, and then I want her to be my friend.

They get back and Jen takes Mark into his tent because she wants to make sure that if she’s sent home, that she says everything she needs to say. Which basically just means that she tells him that she likes him, which … I am so over how obvious everyone on this show is.

Anyway. It’s dark and they’re all obviously drunk, and I think they’re playing spin the bottle but it turns out to be a weird hybrid of that and truth or dare. Jayanna picks dare and runs to the woods like a penguin (except not cute) with her pants around her ankles and her butt out, and Maria says she couldn’t do that. Mark gets a dare and has to show his butt. Oooooh, these people are so daring. Seriously, are we in fifth grade? A good dare would be like … I dare you to get naked and smear peanut butter and steak all over your body and sleep in the woods without your tent. Amanda calls his butt “very, very, very white”, and yes, those were some pasty pixels, and Maria gives it a nine, since she won’t give it a ten without touching it. I don’t know, because obviously I couldn’t really see it, but I can’t imagine Mark having a big enough butt for me to give it a ten. I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Maria picks truth and Mark asks her if she’s turned on by him, and she turns around and wraps her legs around him and forces him to put his hand on her heart while she puts hers on his heart (and what is her DEAL with that?) and stares into his eyes very intensely and says that when he shows up like this and only cares about his heart and what’s between them, she is very turned on by that. And I throw up a little, but at the same time, I think of Science of Love where Mark Conseulos helpfully informed us that staring into each other’s eyes can create the feeling of love in your brain, and I believe it, because while everyone else is looking awkward and a little horrified, Mark is staring at Maria with this intense look like he is almost confused about having such strong emotions, and it was like … oddly passionate. And I think I might have underestimated Maria as a player in this whole thing.

Suddenly the girls have heart stickers on their face and Maria is pissed off at the women for laughing during her truth question, yelling about how it’s not a game, it’s truth. She’s clearly hammered, and just carrying on about how they say they want to empower women but when they sit there and laugh at her for sharing her feelings, it’s not empowering. And actually, she’s right, but suddenly she turns on Jen, completely inexplicably, and it cannot just be about this, and I am really suspicious of how Jen is being edited at this point, since things are not adding up. Jen goes into the woods to escape the drama and Mark follows her, and if this were Australia, they’d be going into the bush. Or if this were Cinemax.

Jayanna is telling whoever will listen (read: nobody) that she was kicking the Kittens to make them stop laughing, and is obviously trying to somehow come out on top of this one. Megan talking heads that Jayanna is doing things she’d expect from a 15-year-old, not a 39-year-old. Amen, girl. Meanwhile, back in the bush (hee!) Mark is telling Jen to just give Maria a hug. WTF, mate? They go back to the campsite and Jen talks to Maria, but I am too distracted by laughing at Mark wisely opening more champagne in the background. Mark talking heads that Maria being so emotional might be too intense for him. In tents! Hee!

Mark invites Megan on a walk. She asks him if he’s supposed to pick a girl to sleep in his tent and the end of the night, and she is drunk. Megan likes the tree they’re leaning on and likes having a guy wrap himself around her. She tells him that she isn’t really sure how she feels about him, and Mark wonders in a talking head if maybe he made the wrong choice and sent someone home who did have feelings for him. They get back from the walk and Megan tells him they should have brought the lanterns and turned them on so they didn’t have to walk in the dark. Mark is dumbfounded and told her that they had them on the entire time.

Mark invites Jayanna to go on a walk (so much walking, it’s starting to feel like Lord of the Rings up in here), and while they’re gone, Amanda and Maria bond and Amanda cries because she realizes that Mark has been kiss-kissing everyone and telling them all the same things. She realizes that she’s been naïve and is embarrassed and feels silly. And oh, Amanda. Even though everyone saw this coming except you, I still feel sad for you.

Mark tells Jayanna that he wants to “show [her] something”. Three guesses! Turns out it’s a bunch of Christmas lights shaped like a tent, a disco ball, paper lanterns, and a hammock. And where did they get all this electricity on this very primitive camping trip?

We cut to break and Billy points out that all the different types of drunks are represented in the women. We have Maria, The Angry Drunk; Amanda, The Weepy Drunk; Megan, The Dopey Drunk; Jayanna, The Slutty Drunk; and Jen, the slightly lesser known Obedient Drunk, who will just hug whoever you tell her to. And in case you were wondering, I am Obedient Drunk. If you tell me to sit in a trash can, I will do it. Have some shots? Great idea! Moon someone out that car window? You got it! I am way fun to drink with.

Mark takes total credit for some set designer’s hard work, and Jayanna claims that this is how she loves (yes, “loves”) Mark the most, when he’s one on one. Ummm … was she not just saying that she can’t understand loving someone so fast? I wish I could reach through my TV and punch Jayanna in her stupid mouth. They slow dance, and back at the campsite, Amanda says, “I wonder what they’re doing, gross!” and it makes no sense and yet also makes total sense, and I crack up. I wish I could find ways to incorporate that into my daily life, but it seems very situation-specific so I will just quit before I start, which I am pretty sure is a good way to go through life. We get a shot of Jayanna asking Mark to kiss her and NO, you know how I feel about that. Disgusting.

Amanda decides to go drunkenly hunting for Jayanna and Mark in the woods. Because THAT’S a good idea. I am thinking about how this whole episode is starting to feel like a horror movie when Billy announces that this is how porn starts. I’m no expert, but I would think that the least they could do is throw in a trampoline. There is a hilarious little clip of an owl in the tree, and I take it as a direct reference to Amanda’s hooters, even though we don’t get to see them. Jayanna is trash-talking back on the hammock but it doesn’t really seem like a big deal until later. Amanda doesn’t find them so she goes back to the campsite and waits for Mark in his tent.

Jayanna thinks that they’ll come back to Mark’s tent to share more “quality time” together, but he sends her back to her own tent. He is surprised to find Amanda in his tent, which Jayanna also sees. Amanda asks him where he’s been and what took so long, which Jayanna of course judges later. Amanda tells him that she feels naïve because of the things people say to her and accuses him of saying the same things to everyone. He says, “Babe, that’s ridiculous!” And whenever she gets upset and he comforts her, it really does seem like a boyfriend. He demands to know who has been saying stuff, and of course Amanda throws Jayanna under the bus (and rightfully so). Amanda talking heads that she’s just really confused about her feelings and what’s going on, and Billy says that it seems like a scene from Brokeback Mountain. True.

Amanda takes the walk of shame in the morning, and everyone looks remarkably unhungover. Everyone tries to get Amanda to talk about sleeping in Mark’s tent, until Jayanna in all of her subtlety just calls her out on it. Mark plays dumb (really stretching those acting muscles, I’m sure) and Maria half-jokingly calls him an avoider. Jayanna says in a talking head that it doesn’t bother her that Amanda slept in Mark’s tent because he didn’t invite her in there and he didn’t take her on the special date with the hammock. Maria talking heads that her yelling was probably a bit much for Mark to witness and wouldn’t be shocked to be sent home. We get further talking head evidence that Jayanna and Amanda are mortal enemies, and Jayanna thinks that she and Jen are the only ones safe from elimination.

Mark says it’s about that time and invites Jen on a walk. She looks terrified and I really think she might get it, but she doesn’t. Amanda stays. Mark likes that Maria is so confident about who she is and asks her to stay. Megan says that she hopes she doesn’t fall over and Mark jokes that he is expecting her to and is surprised that she hasn’t already, and then he invites the stumbling dummy to stay. Megan goes back to her bags and Jayanna, who asks her why she’s smiling. She says that she guesses that Mark wants to see Jayanna but he didn’t say, and then gives her a cheek kiss and a chipper, “Bye!” Billy cracks himself up by imagining Megan telling someone they have terminal cancer in the same tone.

At this point, I am utterly thrilled that Jayanna is leaving. Mark comes out and doesn’t beat around the bush at all about this being about her little mind games with Amanda. Jayanna plays a somewhat smart and yet entirely evil defense of, “AMANDA told you that?” Jayanna tries first to deny saying it at all, but then switches to trying to sound magnanimous and protective of the girls. And didn’t she say, just last episode, that she was not there to protect Amanda or Amanda’s heart? I think she did. Mark is upset with her and told her that he didn’t expect that from her. Jayanna says she’s not going to defend herself and that she knows what’s in her heart. Mark says he’s not asking her to defend herself and he just has to go with his feelings. And this is where I actually think that the shit-talking on the hammock became important. I couldn’t figure out why Mark confronted her about this AFTER he decided to eliminate her instead of before, but I think that her talking about it on the hammock was probably all the evidence he needed and he probably knew when he heard it that it was true, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to give her room to argue, especially given how manipulative she’s shown herself to be.

Jayanna claims in her final talking head that Amanda took the advice that Jayanna gave her and used it against her. And that just pisses me off—if you’re going to play these kinds of games, the least you can do is own it. She tries to pass herself off as a saint, and god, I just hate her so much and I love that this is the way she got taken down. Jayanna calls Amanda immature and sad, and the mirror looks back at Jayanna and says, “Hi!” Jayanna doesn’t ever want to be 28 again, and good thing, girlfriend, because that ship has seriously sailed.

Next week, blah blah, dating show, but I wanted to make sure to tell you guys that like my recaps that I will be sticking around to recap a fall TV show on GMMR, thanks to the kindness of Kath! I’ll be writing (much shorter) recaps for Chuck on NBC this fall, and I’m so excited and hope that some of you will continue to hang with me on that one. End plug!

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.