AGE OF LOVE Recap: Cry Baby

Episode: Seven
Original Airdate: 7/30/07
GMMR Recapper: SB

Alright, I am not kidding you at all about this—the very first thing I wrote at the top of my notes was, “Mary’s gone, Jayanna’s gone … who am I going to hate the most now?” Surprise! It’s Jayanna.

I’ll backtrack. The four remaining women are sitting in the kitchen, obviously just back from the camping trip, and Maria asks Jen if she’s okay and tells her she looks like she just lost her best friend, which she did. Jen gives us a talking head where she says that if she didn’t know Mark, she’d hate him for what he did to her friend. And the fact that Jen loves Jayanna this much proves to me that she is at least as retarded as Megan, and maybe more.

Later, although how much later is unclear, there is a video in the room that the girls are supposed to watch. Maria calls the Kittens down and I think we’re all expecting it to be Mark, but no. It is Jayanna, after being dumped by Mark. She is “warning” the other girls about Amanda, and how she will go to Mark with things you say and twist them around, and how Amanda is so desperate for a man that she’ll stab anyone in the back. Jayanna again tries to play it like she gave Amanda advice, which is total BS, of course, and calls Amanda pathetic. This whole time, Megan and I are having basically the same reaction, which is a hybrid jaw-drop/shocked laughing. Amanda takes this remarkably well, and says when it’s over that she thinks Jayanna is pathetic. You and me both, sister. Maria seems totally unaffected by the whole thing, since I think she knows to take Jayanna with a grain of salt. And then there is Jen. She is clearly eating up every word and in her talking head, sounds like she is plotting revenge against Amanda.

Mark invites Maria and Amanda to go salsa dancing, which he’s never done before, and he looks slightly panicked when he walks in and sees the instructors busting a move. Amanda thinks that being younger gives her the salsa dancing edge … what about the fact that you’re an effing DANCER, Amanda? Talk about overlooking the obvious. The women are told that they have costumes waiting for them in the back. When they come out, Amanda looks absolutely beautiful, in a hot pink and black number with flowers, fringe, and her stomach showing. Maria comes out in a white frilly thing, looking about fifty years too late for her quinceanera. And yet still kind of slutty.

Maria pretty much gives up on salsa dancing since Mark can’t lead, and instead opts to dirty dance on him. Mark kind of bobs around a little and makes lots of can’t-dance-white-guy faces, such as smiling with his mouth way open. He says he wished he had a flower in his mouth. I bet you do, you perv.

Mark comes over to ask Amanda to dance and she says she was nervous about dancing in front of everyone and again I say … WTF? Is that not your JOB? Shockingly, Mark said that he felt that dancing with Amanda was more sexual. Except that it wasn’t shocking at all. Plus, that dress was totally on her side. I wonder if they let them pick the outfits or if they had to wear what was chosen for them because if not … what were you thinking, Maria? Mark says that Maria was really sweaty and out of breath at the end of their dance, but that he and Amanda could have kept going. Ahem. Billy says that it really does look like they’re out with Amanda’s mom, and he’s right.

At the table, Maria asks Mark, if this was the last date he was going to be on with her and Amanda, if there was anything he’d like to say to each of them. Mark talking heads that this was a total buzzkill and adds, “Maria’s being Maria again but that just took it to a whole new level and killed the mood.” Thus begins the evening of Mark and Amanda giving each other the trying-not-to-laugh face behind Maria’s back. Maria says in her talking head that she feels like there’s “a lot of juice” on the dance floor (hahahahahahahahahahahaha!) but not in the conversation, and then we see her go to sleep in the limo. And it has to be said, with her abundance of eye shadow and just the way she was positioned, she truly looked like a corpse. And not in the good way.

The next day, Mark calls and invites Megan to high tea. Unfortunately, I had a Stupid As Megan Moment and had no idea what Mark was saying. Billy clarified and I still had to ask him what it was, and he said it’s like fancy tea time. Or getting high and drinking tea, which I think I could go for at this point, since it can’t kill anymore brain cells than watching Age of Love. (Just kidding, by the way. I have never smoked pot in my life. I’m not cool enough. And to prove how totally not cool I am, I once looked up on the internet how to make pot brownies because I couldn’t figure out how they worked. And I wasn’t fifteen when I did it, either—it was last year.)

Mark talking heads again that Megan makes him smile, and every time he says that it’s a euphemism for “she’s so dumb.” In the limo, Megan asks what a partition is. She then says, “Studio City. That must be where all the studios are!” It reminds me of that Pamela Anderson episode of SNL where she is playing Jenny McCarthy on “I Remember the 80’s”, you know, where she says, “I remember something from the 80’s! The Blizzard of ’78!” They show up to the tea and Megan says, “Oooo, pretty!” She’s just so … vacuous. And yet remarkably, she is not the one that sucks the most. Megan feels like the date would have been better suited to one of the Cougars, because she is 21 and doesn’t live in England and knows nothing about tea. Or anything else. She struggles hard for the word crumpets and comes the closest with “Crumb Pits”. Wow.

Megan says in a talking head that she didn’t tell Mark how she feels or all the things she wanted to say because she was too busy concentrating on which fork to use, and then admits in her talking head that she is retarded. YES! If I had a nickel for everytime something self-aware was said on this show, I would now have … a nickel.

Megan reads on the Blackberry-looking thing (something else I’m not cool enough for—fancy phone knowledge) that Jen’s carriage awaits and that she should bring a swimsuit. Megan reemphasizes carriage (“care-a-ja!”), and is jealous of the date. Amanda is jealous of Jen (and everything), and we get a hilarious groaning montage.

Jen goes outside to see a VERY Cinderella-looking carriage outside, and says that she feels like the most special woman in the house. Special ed. Jen tells Mark that this is the most romantic date she’s ever been on, and Billy points out that Jen has gotten the good dates. Billy also suggests that riding in a horse-drawn carriage probably takes Jen back to her childhood. They come back to the apartment building and go swimming, and Mark says in a talking head that Jen has a hot body, and that she said he looked like a “Greek god statue.” One too many words there, buddy. And then he adds, no! She didn’t say that, he just thought it sounded good. Oh, Mark. You have the wit and intelligence of a Greek god statue.

Mark and Jen go back to his apartment and she wants to show him a good time. I don’t even need to put that in quotes since we all know what it means. And I think that this is how she’s getting back at Amanda—she’s stepping up her game by using Slut Power. And maybe Jen isn’t QUITE as stupid as I thought, because she clearly knows what it’s going to take to lock this thing down. Mark wants a massage, so Jen goes looking for lotion when Mark finds some aloe, and they agree that that will work. They turn off the lights and all we get is a black screen, with filthy porn subtitles. I die a little inside, and there is giggling from the blackness. So metaphorical for my relationship with this show.

Jen comes back and once again tells Megan and Amanda all about her date. And I am more inclined to agree with the side who thinks she’s messing with them, except I still can’t get over thinking that she’s just not smart enough to be that cunning. She tells them about the massages and Amanda freaks out. Not like a Maria freak out, or anything, but like her whole body just stiffens and you know she’s horrified. Amanda snarks that that will look great on TV, and Jen says she doesn’t think they’ll be able to use most of it and says repeatedly that it was “bad”. Once again, Amanda thinks she looks stupid because he does stuff with everyone. But I have news for her—actually, Amanda, you look stupid because you keep getting upset over this stuff when you know it’s going on and continue to put yourself in this position. Either remove yourself from the situation, or get over it.

Maria tells Megan that at this point, she could not be any more hot/cold, hot/cold about Mark. She talking heads (again) that her instinct tells her that he’s not the guy for her. Billy says she’s so predictable that even Megan has caught on. They all get ready for their little “final chats” or whatever with Mark before the elimination, and nothing interesting happens with Jen or Megan, except that even in a pretty dress and high heels, Megan still walks like a sasquatch. And then Amanda goes in to the apartment and tells him that she’s all over the place, and that she heard about the massages. I start to have respect for Amanda, you know, because at least she’s honest with him and tells him what’s going on with her and when she’s upset with him, but then she always goes and ruins it by melting under his charm, which is actually not even that charming. It’s like she’s so close, but then … I don’t know. It’s weird.

And here’s the thing. I’ve mentioned before how I think these people would be so different if they didn’t rely so heavily on their looks to get them through life. And I really think that Jen and Megan would have had to work much harder at not being stupid, because people don’t think the stupid act is cute coming from ugly girls. For some reason, it only works on the pretty ones. I have zero doubt that Jen is not a mental giant, and I don’t really fault her for that—I think she works with what she’s got. Megan, on the other hand—I definitely think she’s dumb, but I think she’s extra dumb because she’s allowed to be. She just doesn’t pay attention and retain things because it’s unnecessary. Meanwhile, I really don’t think Amanda would be any different if she weren’t pretty. See, Amanda strikes me as the kind of girl who was probably a late bloomer—shy, awkward, gawky—and when you start off that way, that’s how you see yourself. She’s still quiet and insecure, and she is probably the one girl there who doesn’t really think she’s that great. If Amanda weren’t as pretty, she’d probably be pretty much exactly the same, she’d just be playing in a different league.

Anyway. Maria claims in a talking head that Mark is not going to talk her out of leaving this time. She goes into his apartment and he says he jokes that he’s taking a risk and asking her how she’s feeling. She says something about how at 40, she doesn’t know if there’s going to be a tomorrow, and I just have no idea what that means. She says she gets turned off when she opens the door and feels like he slams it shut in her face, and he says that likes her and that’s why she’s still here, and then admits that she’s different than the rest of them. Maria tells him that she’s eliminating herself, and Mark says that she was going to stay if she had wanted to. And, I will tell you right now, I am 99% sure that’s bullshit. But, what does Mark care since he has nothing to lose by saying it now. Just as Jayanna went out Jayanna-style, Maria goes out Maria-style, in a crying talking head where she crazies that “women are so amazing! We learn so much from each other when we expand our hearts!” Ah, Maria. I really did like you, but the thing is, I liked a better version of you than what you actually are.

Mark comes back to the women’s apartment and says that they’re all going to Australia to meet his family. What? I thought someone else was getting eliminated. But then, that would make sense and no one wants that. We find out that Megan is afraid of flying, which surprises me because she seems to dumb to be afraid of things. Like my dog, who is not afraid of running out into traffic. Megan asks if they’ll be taking a private plane. To AUSTRALIA. Is that even possible? Maybe Lex Luthor will show up with the LuthorCorp jet and take them wherever they want to go. Billy points out that flying to Australia can’t be that huge of a shock because they would have all had to have passports, and it’s not like you can just go pick those up at the Wal-Mart.

I will say that at least Megan doesn’t use her fears to get attention or to snuggle up to Mark. She seems genuinely terrified and is just in her little shell. I figure everything will be fine (take some valium or something!), but she actually freaks out, cries, and says she can’t do it, and unlike Amanda, she doesn’t cave under the weight of Mark trying to sweet talk her. Mark was going to wait and take a later flight with her to Melbourne, but she adamantly does not want to go, so Mark takes her outside and puts her in a cab and catches the flight. Mark is really sad to see her go and kept saying that it shouldn’t have ended like that, and commented that outside the cab was the first time they’d kissed. And at this point, I am jubilant because it is not every day that the situation can be perfectly expressed by Bon Jovi, but … “YOUR VERY FIRST KISS WAS YOUR FIRST KISS GOODBYE!” I spent the rest of the night singing “Shot Through the Heart” to my toothbrush, Billy, the cat … you name it. It was awesome.

One more episode, guys. Think we can make it? I think we’ll be okay as long as I don’t have to sit through anymore audioporn.

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.