The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #1)

Welcome to the first installment of The Cocktail Party Primer. GMMR’s new resident TV hipster, Mostly Martha, will be filling you in on all the latest TV news of the past week so you can be the coolest cat at the party this weekend (assuming of course that people will be talking about TV…if they’re talking about politics or the situation in Darfur this column won’t help you…at all).

So give Martha a big GMMR welcome and let’s get to it…

The Man I Marry Will Wear a Clock ‘Round His Neck

Flav’s still looking for love, The View is shocking in a very moderate way, and poor Paris just lost her job. If you’ve been chained to a desk (or tied to your TiVo, watching every episode of SINGING BEE and sighing over Joey Fatone) you might have missed the juicy tidbits that came from the TV universe this week, but have no fear Mostly Martha is here.

• If eHarmony is a little too square and you’re tired of trawling the Craiglist personals looking for that special someone, fear not. Flavor of Love is holding open casting for its upcoming third season. Finally, a chance for women who are sick of being hit on by tall, attractive, and professionally successful men without a predilection for plastic Viking helmets to find love. I’m sure I don’t just speak for myself when I say, it’s about time.

• In a continued bid to add some spice to the show with someone who’s loudmouthed and liberal but not too loudmouthed and liberal, The View announced that formerly edgy comedian and star of Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit Whoopi Goldberg will be the newest member of the team. While I’m sure Whoopi will be a perfectly adequate addition to the cast, I, for one, sure am going to miss watching Rosie reduce that little blonde bubblehead Elisabeth Hasselbeck to tears.

• In other The View news, exactly 393 days after everyone stopped caring, Star Jones shocked exactly no one when she admitted that her dramatic and rapid weight loss was due to surgery, and not healthy eating and exercise as she previously claimed. Yeah, whatever, Star. You had a gastric bypass, Lohan’s boobs aren’t real, and Tom Cruise might not be as straight as he’d have us believe. Welcome to Obvious-ville, population: you.

• After a summer of gleefully overexposing Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, E! announced this week that they’ve canceled the due to the nauseating overexposure of stars Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.

• A judge in Mexico dismissed the charges of unlawful restraint against that redneck Dick Tracy bounty hunter, Dog Chapman. Dog’s trouble started after his apprehension of Max Factor heir Andrew Luster when Luster fled his rape trial in 2003. Turns out, bounty hunting isn’t legal in Mexico, even if you do it while sporting a resplendent thinning mullet.

• And finally, let’s bid a fond farewell to this year’s installment of that beloved summer programming tradition, Shark Week. The 2007 edition marked the 20th anniversary of the Discovery Channel’s attempts to brainwash us that it has never been and will never be safe to go into the water.

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.