AGE OF LOVE Final Recap: This Will Never Last

A special thanks for SB for recapping AGE OF LOVE this season.  I know it wasn’t easy, but you did a great job!!

For those of you that loved SB’s Age of Love recaps stay tuned because she will be taking on weekly recaps of one of the best new shows of the Fall season CHUCK starting in September.

Episode: Eight
Original Airdate: 8/6/07
GMMR Recapper: SB

Wow, I really had no idea that I could care so little about this finale, but seriously. Oh, and I missed the first ten minutes (sorry everyone) AGAIN because of Mexican food. What is it about Mexican food that makes me ten minutes late for this show? I guess they have in common that consuming each of them seems like a good idea at the time, but afterwards I end up nauseated. But I bet the first ten minutes were just recapping the season and badly super-imposing stupid quotes on weird surfaces, so I don’t feel like I missed much.

When I wandered in, Jen and Amanda were at Mark’s family’s house. Jen brings them a gift and Amanda feels bad because she didn’t bring anything. As she should! Was she born in a barn? Oh wait, she totally was. Get it? Because she looks like a horse. There’s an awkward moment when Jen says that she has a 25-year-old son, and Mark’s friends and family can’t believe she’s 48. Jen sits around chatting and being charming like an old pro, while Amanda sits there like a giant steaming pile trying to think of something to say and generally being outdone by Jen. Mark’s mom tries to have the women help with dinner, but Amanda is utterly clueless, even though all she’s supposed to be doing is mixing up some salad and dressing. OH MY GOSH, Amanda. It’s field greens, and I’m sure you’ve seen those before. Mark’s mom seems pretty surprised that Amanda can’t cook and Amanda says that she wants to learn, and Mark’s mom smiles at her and she feels better.

Mark says that they are having a “big fat Greek lunch”, and did he just get back from visiting Jayanna at the cliché factory or something? I am so over that expression, along with “what happens in _____ stays in _____.” Jen compliments Mark’s family on raising such a great guy, and Amanda snarks in a talking head that they already know they did a good job and they don’t need to be told. So what, Amanda? Moms love hearing that crap, they eat it up. It’s like Amanda somehow missed how to be a good guest in addition to not knowing how to cook. Don’t let this girl near a dinner party, for crying out loud. Miss Manners is off somewhere shitting a brick at Amanda’s social ineptitude, that’s how bad it is. If I were on national TV and my mom saw me acting like this at someone else’s house, she’d probably come through the screen and strangle me. I don’t call her Crazy Old Denise for nothin’.

Jen is going to have the first one-on-one date, which Amanda pouts about because she has never gotten a one-on-one date and Jen has gotten two good ones, and wah wah wah. Stupid Amanda. My hate for her has really grown now that Jayanna is completely out of the picture and not popping up via flat screen TV, a la Dr. Evil. Mark’s friend’s wife likes Jen better. Mark’s mom likes Amanda better, because she’s shy like her. Mark’s sister likes Jen better because she’s more outgoing, like her. Well, glad to see that narcissism runs in the family. How weird. The friend’s wife comments that Amanda is younger and that Mark’s mom is big on grandchildren. Awesome, so now churning out babies trumps having no personality? Also, let us not forget that Amanda cannot make a SALAD. How do you honestly think that she’s going to feed a kid? And that’s assuming it even makes it to solid foods, because you don’t really think she can squeeze any milk out of her big plastic jugs do you?

Jen walks to her date and says that she’s nervous, and then she arrives at Mark waiting by a gondola with flowers. Mark says that a couple weeks ago, Amanda was a shoo-in but that now he’s not so sure and that Jen has made him realize that age doesn’t matter. Yeah, right. In an utterly pointless shot, Amanda wanders sadly in a park while she voice overs that when Jen and Mark are out together, all she can think of is what they’re doing/feeling/saying. Cut back to Mark and Jen in the gondola at night, where she is whispering in his ear how many times in a row she’s had an orgasm. You have got to be kidding me. That is so trashy. And is her mother watching this, and why isn’t she reaching through the TV and choking Jen? I just feel like after all the times the Cougars got on their high horses about having it all, about loving themselves and being so comfortable with themselves and successful and blah blah, that it’s really disgusting for Jen to go out of her way to win this with her sexuality as if there is absolutely nothing else she has to offer. Zero self-respect. And, just to get on MY high horse for a minute, when you treat yourself like you are nothing more than a sexual object, how can you expect some guy to treat you any different. And yet somehow on this twisted show, this translates to “Jen is soooo confident!” Barf.

Jen talking heads that this may be her last date with Mark, and this is clearly filmed way after the rest of it because her hair is an entirely different color. They have dinner in an aquarium, which looks exactly like a restaurant I ate at in a mall in Nashville, except with all the other tables cleared out. Oh, and it was owned by the same people who run Joe’s Crab Shack. Except, okay, I want to just leave it at that but the aquarium part was actually super cool, so … well played, producers. Mark sat at the table with his mouth open, as he put it, “like a little kid”, or as I put it, “like he was brain dead” or “like he was hoping Jen would be doing later”. Jen asks Mark how he feels about her, and he says he likes her and can be himself around her. Wow, because THAT’S not generic. Jen echoes that very original sentiment and says that Mark has given her hope for love again and thanks him. She says she can’t see herself getting tired of spending time with him. But you probably could get tired from all that knitting and playing bingo and watcing Wheel of Fortune. Tired enough to be in bed for the night by 7:30.

They lay on a pile of pillows and blankets and watch the fish. Jen says she doesn’t want it to be over and Mark douches, “’Tis not.” Jen says if he doesn’t choose her it’ll be harder to get over than ever before, and Mark lies that he is falling more and more for Jen.

Mark is going to drive Amanda somewhere on their date, and he’s looking a little more rock and roll in jeans and a t-shirt. They’re going into the country and Mark is keeping it a secret where they’re headed. Billy suggests a stable and … close! It’s an animal conservatory and they have Australian animals that you can pet. Amanda says she never expected to see a kangaroo … ummm? Don’t they have zoos where she’s from? The Indianapolis Zoo has kangaroos, for crying out loud. They pet a koala and Billy claims that koalas have two penises. I have no idea if this is true or not, so you might want to look it up before you go telling people that (unlike me). Amanda, of course, is petting kangaroos and koalas, which is so fun and neat, and she is worrying about how intimate Mark’s date with Jen was. Sigh. Billy comments that between the aquarium and the zoo, it’s too bad Mark’s not dating a 12-year-old girl. Don’t worry, I’m sure he will be in no time.

Mark says that when he kisses Amanda he feels something. Hee! And then I think he says that he likes all the hair, and my eyes bug out of my head at all the possibilities, but then Billy rains on my parade and says that he said he likes holding her hand. Boo! I had so many more places to go with him liking all the hair. They go into a Japanese restaurant with flames shooting off the side of the building and Billy calls it Mordor. Amanda’s favorite part of the date was holding hands in the car. So, just to recap (But SB, what have you been doing this whole time? Excellent question!), they are in a restaurant with pyrotechnics, and earlier they were petting exotic animals, one of which may or may not have two penises, and her favorite part is holding Mark’s hand in the car.

You know, at this point, there is virtually nothing interesting to say about this show. Not only is it all stuff you’ve heard and seen before on every reality show EVER, but it’s all stuff you’ve heard on THIS show. Amanda whines that Mark might have feelings for Jen. Jen is happy to be 48. Mark has feelings for both of them. Jen and Amanda talk on a bench. There’s a getting ready montage, where Billy says that at least Amanda’s boobs are bigger than her teeth, and I say barely. And then Billy misunderstands me and tries to feed Amanda some barley. (Look how far I made it this time without a totally lame joke! I can never resist for the whole recap, though.) Amanda is in love with Mark, and announces this to the camera like it’s such a surprise to us all.

The very windy elimination ceremony happens by a bunch of boats, and it cuts back and forth constantly, which I think is supposed to be dramatic and keep us guessing about who he’s talking to, but it never works because of Jen’s highlights. Plus, you’d have to be dumber than Megan to not see what’s coming. He dumps Jen and picks Amanda. Billy says, “WHAT! He picked the big-tittied 25-year-old? I am SHOCKED!” As are we all, Billy.

Jen talking heads that she could never understand how reality show contestants could insist that they had all these real emotions but now she gets it because her emotions are real, and she says (correctly) that she knows that if she’d been younger she would have won. But don’t worry, Jen, because do you know who the REAL loser here is? It’s all of us, who have subjected ourselves to this show. Well, and Jayanna—she is also a huge loser.

Meanwhile, someone has been watching The Bachelor and taking notes, because Mark is telling Amanda that from the start, this has been an amazing journey and he wants her to continue the journey with him and he hopes they can see where the journey goes. So Mark, would you say that this has been a “journey”? Amanda looks like she is going to cry with happiness and she says that she is just a little bit happier than the happiest girl in the world. They go out on a boat, Celine Dion sings (in my heart), and Amanda says, “Next is … happily ever after.”

Well, folks, that’s about it. This was one of the most anticlimactic reality show finales I’ve ever seen, but they did make up for it with a couple real, true crazies in there. In case you didn’t know, age totally DOES matter, and if you’re trying to snag yourself a vapid, vaguely handsome athlete with no personality, I suggest getting a boob job.

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.