The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #2)

I Can’t Wait Until the Premiere of Meerkats: Las Vegas

Newsflash: summer TV doesn’t suck anymore! Also, there’s no shortage of sleazebags on VH1, it’s hot tub time on MTV, and what’s Passions got that meerkats ain’t got? Here’s the scoop on what tongues will be wagging over this weekend.

Once upon a time, the coming of spring heralded the death of TV. The glowing box that had been a faithful companion through the winter months would switch to an endless loop of golf tournaments, nature programs, and reruns of Family Feud. Everyone was forced outside, subject to bug bites, sunburns, and other cruel whims of nature.

Well, the wonders of modern technology may not have brought us a flying car, but it has ensured that TV no longer abandons us to the summer doldrums.

Cable television has led the charge against the muggy, buggy tyranny of the outdoors, and audiences have responded with gusto. Shows like The Closer, Burn Notice, Damages, and Army Wives have kept hordes of grateful viewers ensconced in the safe, cool darkness of their living rooms all season long.

Now if cable could just fix global warming and find me a flattering bikini, there’d be enough summer lovin’ to make it the Danny to my Sandy.

If you weren’t able to make it to the Flavor of Love open casting calls, fear not. There’s still a chance for a few lucky ladies to be wooed with all the class and sensitivity of a guy trying to sell you a timeshare. The show is VH1’s The Pick-Up Artist. It’s hosted by a man who wears a furry purple hat and goes by the nom de seduction, “Mystery.” He and his crew, J-Dog and Matador, (turned on yet?) will teach socially awkward singles how to slime all over unassuming ladies in bars. Unlike Flav, there are plenty of Mystery’s minions to go around, so if you’re looking for love, stock up on mace and hit the town. These raunchy Romeos may be coming to a bar near you.

Real World: Sydney debuted this week. The cast is universally thin, tan, and dim. In classic Real World tradition, I’m sure shots will be drunk, tempers will flare, and inevitably, boobs will be flashed.

Over on Animal Planet, the little mongoose-like mammals on Meerkat Manor explore complicated family dynamics, social hierarchy, and the joy and sadness of live in the Kalahari.In short: if you put cameras on a group of people with more booze than sense, they inevitably begin to act like animals. Meanwhile, if you aim cameras at a group of animals, they begin to seem more and more like people.

Everything I know about Survival of the Fittest suggests we’re doomed.

Do you love Water Polo? How about Modern Pentathlon or Synchronized Swimming? I hope so, because next summer NBC is going to let you love these and other classic Summer Olympics events 3,600 hours worth. Between the network, its sister cable channels, and online properties, you can plan on 212 Fencing-and-Badminton-packed hours per day, more than all other summer Olympics coverage in history combined. Some might call this excessive, and I wholeheartedly agree. Olympic Canoeing enthusiasts, however, are delighted that at long last the drama-packed Women’s K-4 500 meter event will finally get the frame-by-frame coverage it so richly deserves.

And that’s another edition of Give Me My Remote’s Cocktail Party Primer. You should be all set to hit the party scene. Martha excepts payments by Visa, Mastercard and comments…your choice.

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.