The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #8)

Promise You Won’t Tell, but I Used to Have a Crush on KITT

I have to admit, with the return of Heros and How I Met Your Mother, not to mention the premiers of my new darlings Life and Journeyman, I spent most of the week with a beatific smile on my face. I had hardly a moment to think about the silly and the sordid side of TV with such a wealth of new programming at my disposal. But indeed, the gossip piles up, whether I’m paying attention or not. So, without further ado, here’s a few juicy tidbits to fill up the lulls between “I wonder where Syler is?” and “How long are they gonna keep Earl in Prison?” at the parties this weekend.

• Last spring, when ABC gave critics a peek at their new comedy about members of an oppressed ethnic group living in Atlanta and the madcap trouble that starts when one of them begins dating a hot blonde girl, the buzz was utterly savage. The show was Cavemen, and despite the network’s denials, most people thought the ham-handed racial parallels were pretty shocking. So shocking that famous segregationist Strom Thurmond sat up in his grave and said, “Oh, come on now!” So they scrapped the pilot and shot a new one set in San Diego. This time, they won’t let critics anywhere near it. Rumor has it they’re pondering guest appearances by that little British lizard, the HeadOn lady, and the Afflack duck on the theory that if the audience is adequately bludgeoned by played-out commercial icons that stopped being funny a year ago, they won’t have enough brain function left to be offended.

• To publicize Dexter, their show about a benign serial killer, Showtime dyed the water in fountains in 13 cities red to look like blood. The effect is said to be fittingly gory. Personally, I think this kind of take the theme to the people promotion is great. I’m looking forward to Pushing Daisies-themed pies, My Name is Earl stick-on mustaches, and for Fox to start spiking the water supply with Vicodin to get us all watching House.

• I guess somebody at NBC saw that video of a drunk David Hasselhoff mauling a cheeseburger and thought, “Man, do you know what was great? Knight Rider!” because they’re giving that classic gem a new chance at life with a planned TV movie pilot. Or maybe it’s just time to block TV Land channel on the NBC sets. With Bionic Woman and Knight Rider (not to mention Battlestar Galactica on NBC-owned Sci Fi) it’s about to be all retro cheese-inspired TV, all the time. I can’t wait for the blockbuster remakes of Three’s Company, Grizzly Adams, and The Love Boat. Perhaps no one should be surprised that the network that brought us 16 variations on Law & Order would keep on running to the well for programming until that well runs dry.

• When Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for drunk driving this week, word is that he was more scared than annoyed. With images of beaten-out confessions and cut-off thumbs dancing in his head, Kiefer feared the worst. He tried to fashion a weapon from a ballpoint pen, made a failed attempt to escape through the ductwork, and declared, “Nobody messes with Jack Bauer and lives !” His lawyer reportedly found Sutherland curled up in the fetal position in his cell and had to assure his client that, at least for the time being, real American justice doesn’t work like it does on TV. Sutherland promptly fired his lawyer and is said to be trying to hire Jack McCoy.

• The first cancellation of the fall happened this week when Fox unofficially axed their docu-soap Nashville after just two episodes. The show, which chronicled country music wannabes as they hit the city with nothing but a guitar and a dream, finished last behind a pack of reruns in the ratings. Frankly, I think it’s a shame. I’m from Nashville originally, and I believe it’s about time that somebody showed what the city is really like. Because the truth is, every single person in Nashville is just dying to break into the music biz. All the women have big blonde hair, everybody wears boots all the time, and we’re all issued a complete wardrobe of sequined western shirts on our eighteenth birthday. It’s just countrified hicks and bimbos as far as the eye can see. This cancellation will just perpetuate the myth that Nashville is a modern, diverse city with interesting art and culture, and we can’t have that, can we?

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.