What TV Quotes Hit Your Funny Bone?
February 6, 2008 by Kath Skerry
It’s rainy and dreary here in Boston and I thought perhaps you all could help brighten my day by sharing your all time favorite comedy quotes.
What lines or moments still make you laugh out loud even after time has passed? Perhaps it was a funny barb from SEINFELD, or maybe some witty banter between the characters on FRIENDS. If you’re like me anything uttered on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT would make the cut, but then again I do love me from GOLDEN GIRLS. And of course there’s plenty of comedy to choose from on air today like the always classic and quotable THE FAMILY GUY, or THE OFFICE, 30 ROCK, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER and more.
If you need a little inspiration or want to be inspired, check out ye ole Google where I’m sure you can find some sites with great quoest.
I’ll start us off with just a few…
“Arrested Development”
Lucille: I’ll be in the hospital bar.
Michael: Uh, you know there isn’t a hospital bar, Mother.
Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
“How I Met Your Mother”
Barney: “LEGEN – wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the second half of this word is – DARY!”
“The Office”
Andy: Oompa loompa, doompadee dawesome, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy. No, he was not, he was a total douche. Doompadee doom.
So I turn it over to you, what are your favorite comedy quotes of all time (feel free to share as many as you like).
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I like your quotes.
30 Rock
Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
Love the hospital quote.
My favorites…and this should be no surprise to you….
HIMYM
Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the “pursuit of happiness,” okay? Not for the “sit around and wait of happiness.” Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
Taxi driver: That was beautiful, man.
AD
Gob: Oh, that’s… that’s-that’s great. The guy who’s dirty dancing with his niece is going to tell the guy in the thirty-six hundred dollar pants how to run the business. Come on.
The Office
Michael: I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
The Office
Dwight: It has to official and it has to be urine.
From “Third Rock From the Sun”. Dick is at a Halloween party dressed as a pirate. Someone asks him “Where are your buccanears?” His response-“Under my buccanhat.” I love that line and living in Tampa, FL it gets used a lot.
From The Office:
Jim Halpert: Does that include ‘that’s what she said’?
Michael Scott: Mmhh, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott: Mmmm… THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
YAY!! this is fun…
Arrested Development
Buster: I know that she’s a brownish area with points. And I know I love her.
The Office
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is “Kurt”, not “Fart.”
Jim Halpert: [squinting to read] What did I write?
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Arrested Development
Lucille Austero – “Today at lunch, you were ashamed to be with me. ”
Gob – “No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.”
I was laughing at this old one from friends…
Joey: None of this matters, its a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah…its like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter. Its moo.
Oh this is so hard! (TWSS)
And speaking of TWSS:
That’s what she said!
No time!
But she did!
No time!!
Pretty much all of Friends, The Office, and 30 Rock can easily put me into a fit of the giggles.
Jim: So let me get this straight. In your WILDEST fantasy you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
(From 30 Rock)
Kenneth: I like your top. I’m a real good sex person. I do it ALL the different ways.
Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don’t have a husband any more, so… you can come over anytime.
Kenneth: Oh, I will. I’ll come over at *night*.
(Friends)
Phoebe: Rita is a massage client.
Mike Hanigan: Oh, why don’t you introduce me?
Phoebe: Rita, this is my husband.
Mike Hanigan: Why don’t you tell her my name?
Phoebe: Ok, I will. This is… this is my husband, Crap Bag.
Rita – Massage Client: Crap Bag.
Mike Hanigan: If you need an easy way to remember it just think of a bag of crap.
Oh I miss tv! Go away strike!
from heroes:
“get mr. muggles’ doggie bath.”
(^_~)
Arrested Development Pilot
“Those homosexuals are always so dramatic, it makes me want to set myself on fire!” – Lucille Bluth
Because I’m (re)obsessed with VERONICA MARS – and re-watching the DVD’s:
Logan: She was, blond, petite, smelled of marshmellows and promises.” Veronica: “Promises? Hum… That’s the name of my perfume…”
Keith: How was your first day of school, honey? Veronica: Great. I beat up a freshman, stole his lunchmoney and then I skipped out after lunch. Keith: But no pre-marital sex?
Veronica: Oh, yeah, yes. But don’t worry dad, I’m sure you’re gonna like these guys. Keith: That’s my girl.
Veronica: Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.
Veronica: Yo, pops, check it out. This girl ain’t gonna be nobody’s bitch. You better reco’nize. Keith: What’s that on your arm? Veronica: I’ve had some free time.
(this is fun!!)
“I hate so much about that things that you choose to be” –Michael Scott
Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?” -Dwight Shrute
“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” -Dwight Shrute
I have so many favorite Office lines, here are a couple from recent episodes this season. Well not all that recent since we haven’t had new episodes for months.
Andy: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally it’s where I need to be. The party planning committee is my backup. And Kevin’s band is my safety.
Michael: I’m not supersticious, I’m a little sticious.
So many ones, but I choose this from last night’s house:
“She’s going to slap him in the face with your testicles.”
The Simpsons:
Homer: I’ve learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
This is fun, but it’s making me miss Veronica Mars! Here she is at her finest:
Veronica: What is your deal? You’re jacked up like some hillbilly kid who just stumbled into daddy’s meth lab.
Veronica: It’s all fun and games til one of you gets my foot up your ass.
And I miss AD:
Gob: My gut is telling me no… but my gut is also very hungry…
Gob: I’m a failure. I can’t even fake the death of a stripper.
And now Office:
Jim: “Dwight tried to kiss me, and i didn’t tell anyone cause i don’t know how i feel about it.”
Dwight: “That is not true! Redact it!, REDACT IT!”
Pam: I think we broke his brain.
Anything from AD!
And this is still my favorite of the year from The Office: “Ryan used me as an object.” ~Kelly
for now, I’ve got..
The Office:
Jim (impersonating Stanley): I like the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Dwight: You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!
Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Arrested Development:
Michael: We’re not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw.
The Office:
“I’d be the overkill killer” ~ Dwight
“You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!” ~ Dwight
The Office: Andy quotes
“I’m gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over… I’m really going shoot you!”
“Look at what I’m doing and go tell somebody it!”
Arrested Development:
George Michael: “What a fun sexy time for you”
Friday Night Lights:
Eric Taylor: “Don’t whisper yell at me!”
I have tons (mostly AD) but I can’t remember the exact words 🙁
LizMC – Look ’em up and share..that’s what Google is for.
Damn, I didn’t even think about VERONICA MARS…so many quotes, so missing Dick (Casablancas)
Dick: Look at that. Beaver’s getting all the love, and Dick’s flapping out in the breeze.
Luke: Please. You have like, the hottest girlfriend ever.
Dick: Much like fake boobs – great to look at, but they don’t do as much as you’d like them to.
Logan: Hey, listen, I need you to do me a favor.
Dick: It’s not that favor that Bobby Brown does for Whitney, is it?
Dick: Please. You date Logan, he’s nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he’s wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter’s jury, they get sent to Chino. You’re like rich-dude Kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.
This IS fun!
From the Office – Benihana episode – Angela to Waitress:
“Give me that. I don’t come into your home and steal your HelloKitty backpack.”
“Arrested Development
Buster: I know that she’s a brownish area with points. And I know I love her.”
Thanks Clare! I had forgotten about that one. What a gem!!!
Seinfeld:
-Ya know if you had told me 25 years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve all the world’s energy problems, I would have said, you’re crazy…now let’s push this big ball of oil out the window.
AD:
-It seems i prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run and now I have something of a mess on my hands.
The Office:
“Get out of my offive…” (Michael Scott)
“No cookie!” (Angela to Dwight)
“What is Diwali, you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, ‘ well, it’s, blah blah blah, it’s so super, fun, and it’s gonna be great!” Lot of gods with unpronouncable names, twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.” (Michael Scott)
“I never really thought about death, until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister’s.” (Kelly)
“If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally not true and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.” (Pam to Dwight) / “Oh man! Am I a woman?” (Dwight’s Reply)
“Shalom. I would like to apply for a loan.” (Dwight)
“Stop! This is not Kelly Kapour Story Hour!” (Dwight)
“That is Northern Lights cannibus indica.” (Creed to Dwight) / “No. It’s marijuana.” (Dwight’s Reply)
“I have to delete a lot of stuff. A lot. Of stuff.” (Kevin)
Seinfeld:
-Ya know if you had told me 25 years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve all the world’s energy problems, I would have said, you’re crazy…now let’s push this big ball of oil out the window.
Homer:
-As long as I’m the bread winner in this house we don’t need to worry! (Homer then pokes himself in the eye with a hotdog he was about to eat) Ahhh! Marge call work tell them I won’t be in tomorrow.
Tami: I am made of christian charity!
Michael Scott: Where are all the hot people?
Jim Halpert: This scented candle…andle…andle, that I found in the men’s bathroom…room…room, represents the eternal burning of competition… or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim Halpert: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend.
Michael Scott: I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl, so I’m wise and have worms.
Oh man, so many great AD and the Office! But lately I’ve been obsessed with Coupling:
Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don’t want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved; the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You’re my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic-Ness. In your heart, I’m sure you know I’m right.
Sally: I don’t want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly Fantasticness- you stupid, stupid Ass. I want you.
Patrick: For God sakes, Sally. I was talking about me!
Oh, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia gets me rolling every time!
Charlie: It says M-meet… and then a bunch of words after it.
Dennis: It says meet me in the parking lot, Frank. I think you have a learning disorder bro.
Keep ’em coming!!! (that’s what she said)
Not a comedy but still frakking funny:
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
“How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daughter?”
Here’s an old one from the X-Files.
Mulder: He just wants some dating advice.
Scully: From whom?
Mulder: Yours truly.
Scully: [long silence]
Mulder: Hello? Scully?
Scully: Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date?
Mulder: I will talk to you later.
Mulder: [hangs up]
Scully: The blind leading the blind.
So many Office quotes that I love – in addition to those already posted:
“Lord, beer me strength.” – Jim
“Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.” – Andy
“Two queens on Casino Night. I’m going to drop a deuce on everybody.” – Michael
And so many more…
And not really a quote, but one of my fave comedic lines from a drama – Friday Night Lights:
Coach: They had a blanket!
Tami: You’re an idiot.
Gob: So this is how you repay me for how I repay you?
I miss Arrested Development so much…
Tobias Fünke: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I’m not gonna cry about my pa. I’m gonna buy an airport, put my name on it.
Uncle Father Oscar: “I was going to share my Pop-Secret with you!”
Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
AD:
Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Breakfast
Michael: No…family
George Michael: Oh, I thought you meant of the things we eat
Gob: ILLUSIONS Michael
Office:
Jim: Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight: Thats a ridiculous question
Jim: False…black bear.
Dwight: Well thats debatable! There are basically two schools of thought…
Oh and a new one from a non-comedy that KILLED me last week in Lost:
Ben: Jack, with your permission I’d like to go with John.
Everything “Ben on a string” said was awesome!
Tobias: I just blue myself.
Michael: There’s gotta be a better way to say that.
Friends
Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it’s *not* that common, it *doesn’t* “happen to every guy, ” and it *is* a big deal!
Chandler: [pointing] I *knew* it!
Here’s my favorite AD exchange:
Lindsay: You haven’t had a serious relationship since your wife! And you too weren’t even speaking towards the end.
Michael: You know, alot of that was the coma.
Lindsay: Yeah. I’ve heard your side of it.
(And another one from those two):
Lindsay: I happen to care deeply about the environment.
Michael: Aren’t those ostrich-skin boots?
Lindsay: Well, I don’t care about ostriches.
There are alot of great Scrubs quotes, but here’s just a quick one
Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this makeup make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.
Goodness. Anything by Dwight. course then there’s the one Michael line that I came dangerously close to falling off my couch over:
“I’ve always thought of myself as a great philanderer”
on Friends…hmm it was the episode after monica & chandler got engaged and Monica opens the door and catches Ross & Rachel making out in the hall…her delivery is priceless: “Aaand I’ve opened the door to the past.”
Kirk..running through the town square screaming “My Girlfriend’s the whore!!”
HIMYM: “I was a teenage pop star in Canada.” and the one I’ve been using most: “I’m not sick. My nose is just so full of awesome, I have to get some of it out.”
30 Rock: Liz on her religion: “I pretty do whatever Oprah tells me to”
Kevin Malone: “Sweep the leg.”
30 Rock:
Jack: “What’s the one thing I asked you not to do?”
Tracy: “That 227 movie, New Jacque City?”
Jack: “DOGFIGHTING!”
From Just Shoot Me with Cheri Oteri guest starring as Mya’s assistant, Cindy.
Maya Gallo: Any messages for me?
Cindy: No. Oh, wait. Death stopped by to say hello.
Maya Gallo: Death?
Cindy: Aha.
Maya Gallo: Death stopped by?
Cindy: To say hello.
Maya Gallo: Was it Beth?
Cindy: Could have been.
Maya Gallo: Was it a short redhead, or a tall guy with a sickle?
Cindy: It was Beth.
Tiffany from Rock of Love:
“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I can’t stop with with Veronica Mars!! (I miss it so!)
Keith: Will you be home for dinner? Veronica: No I’m meeting two hookers over at Logan’s later. Keith: On a school night? Veronica: Off peak hours. Save a few bucks. Keith: (looking concerned) You’re not really? Veronica: Fiona and Lissette. They’re just a couple of gals putting themselves through college. Man, quit bringing me down with your boozewash hangups.
Piz: I promise you, karma’s going to take care of that guy for you. Veronica: I know. I’m gonna run him over with my
car-ma.
I love Arrested Development!!!
Tobias Fünke: Dont leave your uncle teabag hanging.
George Michael Bluth: Dont call it that.
Stiffa – I love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia too!
“I will smash your face into a — into a jelly!”
Oh, how I miss new, quality episodes of my favourite shows!
And I will always miss Arrested Development:
Buster: These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand-racing.
Here’s an oldie but a goodie, one that I can still remember spitting my milk out during dinner as a kid, courtesy of Golden Girls:
Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it’s hard to keep track.
I get the funny creeps whenever Buster says “Hey Brother..”
I have quoted the most…and it gets weird looks because not enough people watch The Big Bang theory..but “That’s how we roll in the Shire”.
I have so many quotes but of course none come to me when I need them to. These two stand out…
The Office…
Andy Bernard: So sorry, Tuna, but if you don’t know why that’s awesome, then you need awesome lessons.
30 Rock…
Liz Lemon: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can’t. I’m expecting a call from 1983.
I love this….so much fun!
I actually love The Big Bang Theory and I loved this bit so much I wrote it down…but I didnt write down the characters names, but it goes like this…
If you were a robot and I knew, and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?
That depends, when I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Maybe, although the history of Science Fiction is not on your side.
Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?
You might be bound right now. Have you ever harmed a human being, or though inaction allowed a human being to be harmed?
Of course not.
Have you harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would be in danger?
…. Well, no.
………I smell a robot.
it makes me giggle now just typing it…the best part is when the other geek walks in and asks what going on, they respond that the internets been down…..
I’ve always been a fan of Family Guy’s
Peter: When I get done with our kids, they’ll be so smart they’ll be able to program the VCR without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Hee 🙂
Veronica Mars
Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic!
Veronica: “If I ever die, do me a favor. Go on Oprah and tell the world that I loved kittens.”
Logan: [about Veronica’s car] Nice car. That must have been a *huge* cereal box.
Troy: Isn’t this where we parked? Tell me that this isn’t where we parked. Please, someone tell me that you can see my father’s car and this heart attack I’m having now is for nothing.
Logan: I don’t know. Maybe it’s like Brigadoon. Come back in a hundred years and it’ll be right back in this spot.”
Wallace: I suddenly feel like I’m in a scene from “The Outsiders”.
Veronica: Be cool, Soda Pop.
Veronica: You know, I’m not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you are officially a bad boy. [they high-five each other]
Logan: Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling.
Veronica: “Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it’s still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.”
-I miss Veronica Mars the best written show with the best actors ever. RIP
There are many, many funny Office moments, but here are the ones that, after tens or even hundreds of viewings, I can’t not laugh…
The whole conversation leading up to this line:
Kelly: “Ryan used me as an object.”
Not a quote, but Kevin’s laugh at the beginning of GWH when he finds out Oscar is gay.
And for Gilmore Girls, the whole back and forth between Rory and Lorelai ending with:
Lorelai Gilmore: “Rory, I’m gloating with jazzhands”
sooooo good!
love this!!
there are so many! heres a few of my favs that weren’t already posted
the office
jim: No when i came in you said that I would be conducting this interview. Now how much pot did you smoke?!
Micheal: I know a ton of 14 year old girls who could kick Dwights ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14 year old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?
Andy: Break me off a piece of that applesauce.
Pam: So you would be Manager, Asst. Regional Manager, Andy is you’re #2, and I would be the secret Asst. Regional Manager.
Dwight: Let’s call it Secret Asst. to the Regional Manager. Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely I do
Arrested Development
Lucille: I love all my children equally. . . . I don’t care for Gob.
(to Lucille being drunk at 10 am)
Lucille: You have to get up pretty early to be drunk by 10 o’clock!
Her?
Gob: Come On!!
Friends
Phoebe: Watch, learn, and don’t eat my cookie.
Joey: That’s right I stepped up. She’s my friend and she needed help. If I could I’d pee on any one of you!
Russ to Ross: You could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful.
Always Sunny in Philidelphia
Charlie: Dayman, fighter of the Nightman. Champion of the sun. You’re a master of karate and friendship for everyone.
Charlie: Rock, Flag, and Eagle!
Dee: I will eat your babies bitch!
Family Guy
Peter: Look there’s something spelled in my cerel it says “oooooooo”
Brian: Peter those are Cheerios
hahahahaha im laughing now just re reading it!
from AD:
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: No, Michael, I think I know what an erection feels like
The Office:
Kelly: Don’t dump me while I’m in the dumpster!
Andy: I’m always thinking one step ahead…I’m like a carpenter…who makes stairs..
Dwight: It’s a bad idea with all those women in their together. If they’re in there long enough they’ll all get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
from taxi…
Reverend Jim is taking the written test to get his driving license, and Bobby is helping him:
Jim: What is a yellow light for?
Bobby: Slow Down
Jim: Whhhaaatt iiisss aaaa Yeeellllloooooww liiiiggghhht fffoooorrr
Bobby: Slow Down
Jim: whhhhhhhaaaaaatttttttt iiiiiissssss aaaaaaaa yeeeeelllllllloooooowwwww lllllliiiiigggghhhhtttt fffffoooooorrrr????
Too Funny!
This line is from one of the bloopers on the office…it’s short but I love it.
Dwight: You’re evil like a hobbit.
After he says this the whole entire cast cracks up, especially John Krasinski. I love it when he cracks…he’s so dreamy.
Here’s some more from the office and some from Gilmore Girls. I too miss Veronica Mars and Arrested Development. The one “I just blew myself” line, is still one of my all time favorite quotes. I about peed myself when I saw that episode.
There are so many from GG but here are a few that I found that I love.
Rory: Hm. Remind me to tell you about the time my mother wore a shirt with a rhinestone penis on it and my grandma had her car towed.
Lorelai: You lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of “you had me at hello”
And a few more from the Office, Drug Testing and the Injury two of my favorite episodes.
Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
Dwight: Do you think it’s possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar: What are you implying?
Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?
Oscar: Okay. I’m done with this.
Dwight: He sure left in a hurry.
Michael: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No you can’t do that.
Michael: I can do that, it is my office.
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great.
Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela: You’re not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight: I know that. Don’t you think I know that?
(I just love the whole Jam part of this episode with the jinks, it was so cute. Love the fake cry part.)
Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.
Pam: Oh God no, Dwight isn’t my friend… Oh my God! Dwight’s kind of my friend!
Michael: While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.
Jim: Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?
Ryan: Twice.
Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS.
Kevin: I think that’s from Big.
Michael: I don’t think so, no.
Kelly: Yeah, he’s dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.
Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here?
Stanley: Uh hmmmm… .
Michael: What you mean uh hmmm… ?
Stanley: I mean I’m learning nothing.
Dwight: It smells like chicken soup.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: I have to go to the hospital.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: Where we going?
Pam: I just want to say goodbye ok?
Dwight: I’ll be back, I mean…
Pam: Yes, I know, but it’s gonna be different.
Dwight: Why?
Pam: It’s just hard to explain.
Dwight: Aw, Pam, you’re adorable [taps her nose]
Pam: Oh my goodness!
Dwight: [giggles]
Pam: Come here.
Dwight: Oh, huggy hugs.
Sorry got a little carried away with the Office quotes, but there are just so many great ones in those episodes. Really in all episodes, why does the show have to be so quotable, because it’s awesome, that’s why!
From ‘Alias’ –
[Syd and Vaughn are about to approach a source for information]
Vaughn: How do you wanna play this?
Sydney: You wanna be rough, or you want me to be rough?
Vaughn: You’re always rough.
Sydney: No, I’m not.
Vaughn: Yes, you are.
Sydney: That’s not true!
Vaughn: Yes, it is.
Sydney: Are you talking about at home, or on Ops?
Vaughn: Both. Hey, I’m not complaining!
Sydney: If I’m rough, it’s because you like me to…
[pauses]
Sydney: Are we on coms?
Agent Jack Bristow: Yes, you’re both on coms right now.
Sydney: [after Vaughn kisses her] Dinner’s ready.
Vaughn: You do have an oven you know, we can reheat.
***
From ‘Veronica Mars’ –
Van Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?
Logan: Anthropomorphic. All yours, big guy.
***
From ‘Friends’ –
[Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes]
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I’m wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody’s underwear!!
Joey: Look at me! I’m Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn’t going commando…
Chandler: Oooo-ooh!
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it’s hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don’t know, lunges. [Starts doing lunges].
Ahhh, the memories… I miss my tv.
Madison: my friend and I quoted that Russ to Ross line from Friends ALL the time!
From AD: *after Lucille cuts off some dude driving*
Guy: Up yours, lady!
Lucille: Oh you couldn’t handle it!
OH!! One more from Boston Legal:
Lori Colson: For the future… I don’t really appreciate comments about my hair.
Catherine Piper: Oh, I’m sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn’t want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
From the Office:
Dwight (at Phlob’s wedding): “You look as beautiful as the queen of England.”
Angela: Don’t linger. Break left. Left!
Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay, tell him that’s not true.
Jim: Dwight says he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I can’t really say — but yes.
Kelly: And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again. But it’s at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what’ll I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go “click, click, click,” and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan : I guess I forgot.
Kelly : You’re such a ditz. [She leaves.]
Kevin : Ryan, well done, 2 minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Jim : Oh, that’s just my avatar guy whatever.
Pam : He looks a lot like you! [Jim makes noncommittal noises] How much time did you spend on that?
Jim : Not much. It’s just for tracking Dwight, so.
Pam : Right. You’re a sportswriter in Philadelphia? Nice build, too.
Jim : Yup.
Pam : You have a guitar slung on your back! I did not know you played guitar.
Jim : I– Why don’t we go back to the animation-
Pam : No no no! I want to see more of Philly Jim! I want Philly Jim!
One more from It’s Always Sunny:
Dee: What are you guys looking at?
Frank: Garbage Pail Kids. Heathen Steven, classic!
Dee: Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?
Charlie: No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.
Joey: It is odd how a women’s purse looks good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No. No, Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain’t gonna say no to that.
– FRIENDS
from sports night
Isaac: Let me add, Dana, that things that I say in my office, stay in my office.
Dana: Natalie’s my second in command, she’s the only one I told.
Natalie: Jeremy’s my boyfriend, he’s the only one I told.
Jeremy: I told many, many people.
30 Rock:
Dick Lemon: Life’s too short.
Jack (to his mother): Really, because yours seems endless.
From Veronica Mars:
Veronica: Leave her alone, Dick. You don’t want to make her call the law. ‘Cause I hear the *law* really comes down hard. Have you heard that?
Madison: So, I guess you’re here alone since Duncan, like, ran away or whatever.
Veronica: You mean, ‘took it on the lam’? ‘Cause I can’t imagine what that’s like. Being ‘on the Lamb.’ I think you’d just close your eyes and pray for it all to end. You’d have the cops crawling all over you. Right? What do you think, Madison?
Oh, so many! I had to look this up, but Rachel’s delivery of the last line always kills me.
From Friends:
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there’s a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you’re right. I think … listen, listen!
Rachel: Ubb.
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird’s aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that’s true.
(answering the phone)
George Michael: [very quickly] Bluth-Company-George-Michael-speaking-not-Kitty.
[Buster has shown up at his father’s hearing with a mariachi band]
Lucille: Oh, for God’s sake. He’s out of the house for two days and he joins a gang.
It’s Always Sunny-
Charlie “Yes. I WOULD like a piece of beef jerky.”
From AD
Lucille: Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.
George Sr.: Got her to stop drinking, didn’t it?
From AD’s Meat the Veals:
Tobias: (As Mrs. Featherbottom, singing after he has overheard George and Gob’s plan to kidnap Lucille)
Oh… / Whenever I get a wee bit scared, I hum a little tune / / Hum, diddle-diddly, hum, dee doo… /
Lucille: They’re not going to let you in at the country club with that.
Buster: (Using Gob’s puppet Franklin) I don’t want no part of your tight-ass country-club, you freak bitch!
Those kill me…and almost everything from the Office. But in terms of quotes I actually use…Michael Scott’s “It’s allll gooooodddd!” and “I don’t wanna work, I just wanna bang on this mug all day” come up pretty often :o)
Oops! I forgot one of the best Michael Scott quote that I use all the time: “Shut it!!!”
Sarah – that is one of my very favorite Friends quotes! Cracks me up every time…
I was a huge fan of The OC back in the day, and that show had some great quotes. Here are a few from the first season:
Seth: Yes Ryan, what else are you good at besides musicals and punching people?
Sandy: He’s good with the ladies
Seth: Ah yes, the ladies
Sandy: The laaadies
Ryan: He’s standing right here holding a golf club
Sandy: Yeah, but you don’t know how to use it
Sandy: Hello, ladies…Seth.
Seth: Dad, don’t call me a lady.
Summer: The other night, when we had… sex, you weren’t the only virgin in the room.
Seth: You mean there was someone else in the room?! Like like filming us?
Seth (to Grady & Summer): I heard some really, really awful music, and thought it could only be self-indulgent actors with instruments.
Seth (about the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas): I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling addicted, alcoholic babies with it…
[…] wasn’t that long ago that GMMR readers were sharing their favorite TV quotes from the world of comedy, but now it’s time to get serious people and talk about our favorite quotes or scenes from […]
Late to the game, but:
Supernatural:
I hope your apple pie is freakin worth it! -Dean
and
The office:
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed.
There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She
never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic
but I had to tell someone!
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