THE OFFICE’s Michael and Toby – A History of Hate

[The following contains minor spoilers for tonight’s episode of THE OFFICE. Nothing beyond the episode title and description, but I’m warning you all the same.]

If the title of tonight’s fourth season finale of THE OFFICE is to be believed then we will be saying goodbye to Toby Flenderson, who until he recently became a somewhat creepy perv, was a beloved member of the Dunder Mifflin family. I’m not ready to see Toby leave for Costa Rica, and personally I’m not convinced he will be going. But if he does leave, then we are saying goodbye to one of TV’s best couples: Michael and Toby.

We aren’t privy to exactly why Michael Scott loathes Toby Flenderson but we do know that Michael hates so much the things that Toby chooses to be. Where did it all begin? Why is Michael so very hateful towards Toby? Why has Toby never kicked Michael’s ass? We may never know.

But in the event that Toby does leave, I thought it would be fitting to send him off with a few reminders of why he should be running (and by running I mean sprinting away and hopping over a giant stockade fence) and not walking away from Dunder Mifflin.

Michael Hates Toby: Volume 1 (2005-2008)
These quotes don’t even scratch the surface of the bad blood between these men, but they are some of the most memorable Michael/Toby moments.

Diversity Day…
Michael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It’s time. Let’s do some good.
Toby: Hey, we’re not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]
Michael: Get out.
Toby: I’m sorry.
Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.

Hot Girl…
Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby.
Katy: Hi
Toby: Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael: Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O’Hara?
Katy: Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool. What year were you there?
Toby: Eighty-nine.
Michael: Toby’s divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids.
Toby: A girl.
Michael: Oh that so – that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Toby: [looks resigned]
Katy: I should probably get back to my table.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby’s desk] Oh, she’s cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.

Sexual Harassment…
Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced so he’s really not a part of his family.

The Fight…
Toby: Michael…
Michael: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Any word on those time cards?
Michael: I’ve got an idea: why don’t you leave right now. Why don’t you walk away from the room, ‘kay?
………

Toby: We want to go home.
Michael: Well, you don’t even have anyone to go home to, Toby.

Boys & Girls…
Michael: Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You’re a guy… too… sort of. Let’s do this!

Michael’s Birthday…
Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday.
Toby: I… guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael: Mmm.

………

Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin: Still scary.
Michael: Yeah, but it’s not brain cancer. And it shouldn’t stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael: And laughter… also.
Toby: I don’t really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael: Why are you here? I didn’t even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here.
Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn’t speak for everybody and I am your boss, I… think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.

Drug Testing…
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael: Yes it is.
Toby: No it’s not. It’s a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby’s urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can’t do that.
Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That’s not random.
Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I’m going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.

Casino Night…
Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We’re gonna…
Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s… You know, there’s gambling and alcohol, and it’s in our dangerous warehouse and it’s a school night… And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not… that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

………

Toby: I’ll call.
Michael: What are… That’s insane.
Toby: I have good cards.
Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn’t that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don’t be stupid. Just take it back.
Dealer: No, I’m sorry. He can’t, sir. He’s gone all-in.
Michael: Okay, all right, whatever.
Dealer: Flip them.
Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]

Conflict Resolution…
Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So…
Toby: Okay.
Michael: Okay… what?
Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael: Yeah, well… that’s not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part… assuming we don’t get downsized

Beach Games…
Toby: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30.
Michael: Oh, you know what? Uh, you’re not going.
Toby: It’s Beach Day…
Michael: Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Toby. We… um… Somebody has to stay here.

Fun Run…
Michael: Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I’m Toby, I’m stretching, I know what I’m doing. Why is he even here?
….

Michael: Just remember folks, it’s not about winning, it is about finishing.
Dwight: On your marks, get set…
Michael: [pulls Toby’s pants down] Beow!
Toby: Hey! [extremely loud gunshot]

What are YOUR favorite Michael/Toby moments? Share with us as we prepare to say ‘Goodbye, Toby’

The heavy lifting for this post was done by urban_cougar15 with help from OfficeQuotes.net. A big round of applause to them both! Thanks so much!