Letters to My TV Set….

One of my very favorite bloggers, and one of the funniest ladies around, Jennifer Eolin, will be sharing some of her very funny writing with GiveMeMyRemote.com this Fall.  I am truly honored.  For those of you who are already a fan of Jennifer either through her MySpace blog and/or her hilarious PROJECT RUNWAY recaps know just how fantastic she is.  For those of you who are new to Jennifer…read on and I’m sure you too will be a fan.

“Letters To My TV Set”
by Jennifer Eolin

Dear Project Runway,
Hello, old friend! How are you? It’s been a few short months since last we met. So it is with all due respect that I ask this very important question: WHAT THE F, MAN?? Are you trying to destroy my soul???

Your new (and last season) on Bravo starts on Wednesday and the promotion for the show is A) scant, B) vague and C) frustrating. You seem to be missing a key element to promoting Season 5: THE DESIGNERS. I’d ask, “Where’s Andre?” but he’s all over the promos and UNLESS he’s coming back (YES??!??) this campaign blows bobbins.

Where are those fun teases where we hear the new designers saying ridiculous things like, “I’ve got it all sewn up!” or “I’ll rule the runway!” And my favorite, “I came here to win!” (Why can’t someone be honest and say: “I’m trying not to crap my pants!” or “I want to tongue Tim Gunn!”) I just want to SEE a designer so I can believe that you really are coming back on July 16th. Even your article in Entertainment Weekly is vague.

I’m worried that you may phone in this season on Bravo since it’s your last. I worry that Grandpa Gunn will arrive in a velour track suit and Heidi’s bangs will not have grown out in time for shooting. I worry that Michael Kors will man-up and that Nina Garcia will man-down. But most of all, I worry that the contestants will have insipid challenges such as “make a pair of socks out of Kleenex” or the ever so boring “just sew anything out of stuff and make it look like something.”

Look-it, Project Runway. You have one last season to maintain your dignity before you’re doing a double feature on Lifetime with “Psycho Women Killers Who Are Victims And Cry A Lot And Go To Jail But It’s Not Their Fault Cuz They Are A Victim.” So think about it and MAKE IT WORK, DAMMIT!

Watching (and blogging) what happens!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Burn Notice,
You are my new favorite show!! Thank you for being clever. Thank you for being entertaining and teaching me how to make convincing counterfeit C-4. Thank you for Sharon Gless. Thank you for good dialogue. Thank you for not making like Amsterdam and sucking. (I make funny, yes?)

My only criticism: Fiona should eat a sandwich. I can see her kidneys through her clothes she’s so damn thin.

I just like yogurt too!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List,
Unlike my new BFF, Burn Notice, I find you a bit sucky this season. Kathy, your show feels too produced. Where’s the whimsy of the first season? Where’s the real emotion? Where are the spontaneous moments? Everything that happens is a “bit.” Even Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) felt canned, uninteresting and dull. AND IT HAD DOGS. How can a segment with dogs be boring??? That’s complete blasphemy and you should borrow your mom’s rosary and ask for forgiveness.

Please go back to your old formula. Let your life unfold and let us enjoy. When you let us in when your dad died, I cried and loved you. I watched as you continued to perform your gigs and the pain that you and your family went through. This made you a person to me. A very likeable person. Someone I was rooting for. I even saw you speak at SAG and loooooved you like I was one of your main gays! But this season, sadly the least produced thing on the show is your hair (AND OMG, that is a completely other letter, but girl, STOP with the extensions!). Bring back the old Kathy. She’s AWESOME.

Shape up or suck it!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS – I still like you. Please don’t hate me. Maybe your Emmy can beat up my Telly someday on a playdate?

PPS – I’m really serious about your hair though. Stop it!

PPPS – Call me!

Jennifer Eolin grew up in upstate New York. It was fun. She moved to Amish Country when she was 8. It was not fun. She moved back to upstate New York again for her senior year in high school. It was traumatic. Now she lives in a big city. It’s called Los Angeles. It’s expensive. And traumatic.  Read all of Jennifer’s hilarious blogs including more “Letters from Jennifer” at her MySpace page.