DIRTY SEXY MONEY: When We Last Saw the Darlings…

The fantastically wealthy and equally dysfunctional Darlings parade back into our living rooms on Dirty Sexy Money tonight at 10 PM on ABC. Even if you didn’t have the pleasure of getting to know this strangely lovable bunch last season, it’s not too late to give them a shot.

The Darlings rank on the social ladder somewhere between rock star and royalty. Last season was jam-packed with bribery and duplicity. Multiple marriages were tested and paternity secrets were revealed. But don’t worry for a minute about the Darlings because there are plenty of perks, too — a closed mouthed chauffer willing to spend the night in the clink to spare a family member’s public image, the closing down of the Brooklyn Bridge for a million dollar birthday party, and, oh yeah, a private performance of “The Nutcracker” in their penthouse.

The Cast of Characters…

Nick George — The Reluctant Pseudo-Son
After his father, Dutch, dies in a plane crash, Nick George hesitantly decides to fill Dutch’s position as the family lawyer/advisor/crisis manager to the Darling Family. As much as Nick does not want to repeat his father’s mistake of neglecting his own family to attend to the needs of the Darlings, he cannot bring himself to pass up the cool $10 million per year that Tripp Darling grants him to appropriate to the charities of his choice. Additionally motivating is the possibility that having the inside track to the family might help Nick to discover if there was any foul play in his father’s accident and, if so, who was to blame. But staying true to his principals and managing not to be corrupted by the Darlings’ outrageous wealth and power proves to be more difficult than he imagined.

Tripp Darling — The Empire Builder
As the head of Darling Enterprises, Tripp Darling wields an enormous amount of power, but as the family patriarch he tends to lose a bit of control. In the past, he turned to Dutch to handle the trickiest of family affairs and now he looks to Nick to do the same. Disappointed in his own children, he views Nick as a surrogate son and is grooming him to take over the family business. Along with coping with the revelation of his wife’s longtime affair with his best friend and learning that his son, Brian, is not really his son, Tripp spent much of last season dancing dangerously around rival, billionaire philanthropist Simon Elder.

Leticia Darling – The Sophisticated Socialite
Most often found with a drink in her hand, Leticia Darling is dealing with the death of Dutch, her lover of 40 years, as well as the strain on her marriage to Tripp now that he knows of her betrayal. Protecting her children is paramount to Leticia, even if it means abusing the power that comes with the Darling name and pushing ethical boundaries to their limits.

Patrick Darling – The Principled Politician
New York State Attorney General Patrick Darling divides his time between running for US Senate and making a mess of his personal life. Tired of his father’s attempts to force him to “get his house in order”, Patrick has turned to Simon Elder for guidance, causing Tripp much concern. When we last saw Patrick, he was recovering from a fake hunting accident (a gunshot wound to the leg, courtesy of one Ellen Darling, his wife, who was “aiming for higher”). To make matters worse, Carmelita, his mistress (“who used to be a mister”) has mysteriously disappeared.

Karen Darling – The Professional Divorcee
Still in love with Nick, her childhood sweetheart, Karen can’t stay married to anyone else for long. Just moments after her fourth marriage commenced, she was asking for a divorce and was still wearing her wedding gown as she signed the annulment papers. Even as she tries to win back Nick’s heart, she’s busy having a fling with Simon Elder. Although she pretends to want to keep it a secret from her father, Tripp and Karen are actually orchestrating the relationship together for reasons yet to be revealed.

Brian Darling – The Man of God
The irreverent Revered Brian Darling is a man of many contradictions. He doesn’t exactly practice what he preaches. He had an extramarital affair (with a parishoner!!) that resulted in a son born out of wedlock (Brian Jr., aka Gustav the Swedish Orphan). Then he tried to bribe the judge in Brian Jr.’s custody case. He is asked to vacate the cloth temporarily, but it seems that the Reverend is going to be making the leave of absence a more permanent arrangement. In addition to exploring new relationships with Tripp (the father who is not his father) and Nick (the half brother he hates), Brian is joining the family business.

Jeremy and Juliet Darling – The Well Behaved Twins
Concerned that he is only loved for his money and family name, Jeremy enlisted the help of Lisa George, Nick’s wife, as he masqueraded as a starving artist in order to win a girl. Unfortunately, he lost the girl when the truth was revealed because no one likes a liar, with or without a trust fund. Outside of his love life, Jeremy may continue to accept responsibility and work his way up from parking attendant to parking supervisor or perhaps he will he fall back into his old ways…learning origami from his coke dealer while dreaming of traveling to the Great Beyond.

As for Juliet, what is left for her to do now that she has made peace with freinemy Natalie Kimpton, and found love with a man from the Seychelles Islands? The fact that she no longer will be appearing as a season regular tells me that she just might finally be gaining her desired independence and heading happily for parts unknown….

Truth be told, we all have our share of dysfunction in our families. But no one does dysfunction quite like the Darlings.

— posted by Gretchen

Gretchen is our new diva of the Darlings here on GMMR. Join her this season as she discussed all things Darling — Parenting 101, Crisis Management for Dummies, Marriage Counseling, and Betrayal Basics, to name a few. And remember, sometimes a shoe is just a shoe…and sometimes it’s a bomb.