THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: Bloodlines

“You’re kidding me. There’s no such things as vampires.”

Casanova. Warren Beatty. Wilt Chamberlain. Bill Clinton. Tiger Woods. Damon Salvatore. My, my, my it seems everywhere Damon goes another damsel if left in distress…or left for dead. Life’s a bitch and then you die, unless of course you’re an immortal vampire. But not even the promise of eternal life can keep some guys safe from the wrath of a woman scorned. If only he could have kept his teeth in his mouth he could have avoided so many messy situations.

Despite his long history of “complicated” relationships with those of the opposite sex, I’m not sure even Damon knows what he’s getting himself into when it comes to Elena Gilbert…or is it Elena Pierce?

Under the guise of wanting to annoy Stefan, Damon brought Elena on a little road trip to Atlanta after he saved her from her car accident. Perhaps she’s “not the world’s worst company”, but I think we all know there’s a little more to why he brought her along. The tenderness that Damon showed in the way he held her after the accident told us all we needed to know about his feelings for her. I don’t think it’s in Damon’s nature to comfort and console a weak and vulnerable woman who is bleeding in his arms. Perhaps there’s some level of confusion given her uncanny resemblance to Katherine, but the more time Damon spends with Elena the more it seems that it’s not Katherine he’s looking at.

The journey from Mystic Falls to Atlanta wasn’t about Elena or Katherine, it was about Bree. A love ’em and leave ’em kinda guy, Damon made a big mistake when he got involved with Bree, a former college classmate who just happened to be a witch. (Of course she was.) Twenty years earlier Bree helped Damon open the tomb where Katherine was buried. The tomb which Emily has locked under her spell. It only takes a comet, a crystal and a spell to open the tomb, but wouldn’t you know it, the crystal store was closed. And all along I thought it was the comet that would have been the tricky part. The crystal needed to open the tomb and release the vamps was destroyed by Emily’s ghost.

If Bree wasn’t pissed enough that Damon had disappeared on her all those years ago, she certainly had strong feelings about him killing one of her best friends – Lexie. Remember the super fun bestie vamp of Stefan that Damon auf’d to save face and gain trust with the Sheriff? Yup, a good friend of Bree’s. You can see why she didn’t have any real reservations about alerting Lexie’s boyfriend that the vamp that killed the woman he loved was chillin’ at the bar right there in Hotlanta. When Lexie’s boyfriend kidnapped Elena and used her as bait for Damon, it wasn’t long until the elder Salvatore brother searched for her and subsequently was beat down and covered in gasoline ready to be torched. But it was Elena that pleaded with Lexie’s boyfriend, not so much for Damon’s life but rather for the human soul still lingering within the vampire body of Lexie’s boyfriend. The soul that Lexie loved. Her begging worked and Damon was set free. Looks like he owes her one. Somehow I think he’ll pay up.

I’m still confused why Elena would be so desperate to save the life of a vampire that had no qualms about manipulating, abusing, and even killing people that were important to her. He does have pretty eyes. Maybe that’s it.

After confessing that she couldn’t open the tomb, and knowing that she betrayed him, Damon no longer had any need for Bree. So he gutted her. Reunions with exes are never easy, I get it, but Damon has got to take a class or two on self control.

Back in Mystic Falls, a frantic Stefan was fearful for Elena’s safety knowing that she was with his brother and without her necklace that could protect her from Damon’s “charms” (honey, I’m not sure a necklace that powerful exists). Stefan pleaded with Bonnie to use her witchcraft to try to communicate with Elena, but girlfriend has gone and lost her mojo. Grandma Whitley says it’s because she’s scared. And if you’re scared there’s only one place to go – the cemetery.

I have to stop right here and let you know that I’m not on board with the whole ‘Bonnie is a witch’ storyline yet. There’s something lacking in her scenes and I find myself zoning out a bit during her arc. I think it might be that I never really got a chance to know Bonnie or care for her as a character before this whole crazy witchcraft thing was thrown at us. Between her grandmother, and dead ancestor Emily, the Bonnie storyline just feels a bit forced to me. It’s the weakest part of an otherwise irresistible show.

While standing over a grave, something pulls Bonnie into the tomb. The same tomb that houses Katherine and the other vampires. The one Emily’s spell is protecting. The impact of the fall leaves Bonnie bleeding. (Seriously, in a town swamped with vampires, these girls really need to carry a first aid kit with them. Or at the very least some band-aids. Geesh.) After hearing the voices of the trapped vampires, Bonnie is whisked away to safety like a bottle rocket by Stefan who is there to save the day. He returns her safely home to Grandma Whitley (who I supposed I should call ‘Sheila’ from here on out since that is her name). Seems he and Sheila had first met in the 60’s at an anti-war rally. Based on the slight flirtation between the two, I couldn’t help but wonder if Sheila got her vamp on back in the day. Hey, it was a time of free love.

With the road trip over, Elena went to visit Stefan to find out just what the deal is with her and Katherine. Seems she can deal with her boyfriend being a vampire and her best friend being a witch, but her looking just like Stefan’s ex is just a bit too much to handle. Ah, that’s the CW teen angst I know and love. She demanded to know why he held this back from her and insisted that he tell her the whole truth. Careful what you ask for, Lanie.

Talk about a doozie of a day. Stefan revealed that he knows she’s not Katherine and is nothing like Katherine. And it’s that very reason that he was compelled to stay in Mystical Falls and get to know Elana. He knows she’s nothing like Katherine because he watched her and studied her (aka stalked her) since the day they met – May 23, 2009 – the day he saved her from the car accident that killed her parents. Stefan was visiting Mystic Falls when he heard the accident. He tried to save her father but he insisted that he save Elena first. By the time he went back for them it was too late. Heavy stuff. But that’s not all. Oh no, she wanted the whole truth, so it was only right that Stefan tell her that during his research he discovered that Elena Gilbert wasn’t really a Gilbert after all. She was adopted. Duh duh duh. But he doesn’t care about any of that because she is the woman he loves. And you wonder why all of us girls want our Prince Charming to be cold and dead (but with really good hair).

Actually, it seems Jeremy Gilbert has a fascinating theory on that very subject. A question that pop cultural pundits have been exploring recently. What is our fascination with vampires? True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, Twilight – why are we so obsessed? According to Jeremy it has more to do with George W. than Stephenie Meyer. His theory is that in times of war people look to fantasy to escape, thus the advent of vampire fiction. And here I was thinking it just about hot guys who could run really fast and wanted to suck blood. Thank for explaining Jeremy. Seems with that extra credit work he’s doing for Mr. Salsman, Jeremy and his new friend Anna, are going to stumble on more than they ever wanted to know about vampires.

As for Jeremy’s new favorite teacher, tonight it was revealed that he plans to go all Buffy on Damon’s ass in an attempt to avenge the life of the woman he loved. A woman that Damon drained of blood and killed. Really Damon, you need to learn to leave these women well enough alone.

Before tonight THE VAMPIRE DIARIES had been off the air for almost two months. I know time flies for vamps, but that was a little too long of a wait for a new episode for us humans. Fortunately the special something that resonated with so may fans in the Fall wasn’t lost in the mini-hiatus. But what might have been lost for me is my ability to root for Stefan and Elena as a twosome. Whether it’s intentional on behalf of the writers or not, to me Elena and Damon ooze sexual chemistry, where as she and Stefan feel a bit forced in comparison. Brother vs. brother. Who will win her heart…and mine?

Special moments to remember and thoughts to ponder while you’re weighing the pros and cons of the Salvatore boys.

• “You are the woman that I love. I love you.” – Stefan pulls out that line and I’m still thinking his murderous brother might be a better match for Elena. Clearly I have issues.

• “If you’re not roped, you’re whipped. Either way enjoy the ride.” – You said it Bree Zoe Anna Washburne Espinosa

• Can we talk about who the vamp was that Elena hit with her SUV? Who was it? If it wasn’t Damon then why was he oh so close by? He got to her in seconds. Hovering much, Damon? But more importantly does Elena have another vamp after her? Perhaps a tracker? Named James? Wrong vamp fandom? My bad.

• If Elena is in fact a direct descendant of Katherine does that mean that Stefan slept with both Elena and her great-great-great-great grandmother? Ew. What’s the name for a male Cougar? Whatever it is, I think it applies to Stefan. Then again, pedophile probably does too, but let’s not go there.

• Was I the only one that picked up on a little chemistry between Bonnie and Stefan?

• I kind of miss dumb, pre-vamp’brained Jeremy. Now he’s talking all smart. No show on The CW should require a dictionary. Oh wait, this is a Kevin Williamson show, how did I forget?

• Next week can we please have Caroline back? I miss that little blonde spitfire. Besides, we need an update on what’s going on between her and Matt.

Clearly given the amount of keyboard strokes I dedicated to this post I loved tonight’s episode. Did you?