CBS Unveils THE TALK: Here’s Where They Went Wrong

CBS made waves in the daytime TV arena recently, announcing the fall debut of their own all-female panel show. Though THE TALK will not directly compete with THE VIEW, opting for the 2:00pm time slot to replace AS THE WORLD TURNS, the CBS brass is targeting viewers who invite Whoopi Goldberg & Elisabeth Hasselbeck into their homes each morning.

Casting is the most critical piece of constructing a successful daytime franchise. With TV audiences segmented more than ever before, CBS executives had to make a big splash in order to attract a wide audience for THE TALK. A combination of personalities who would take viewers away from soap operas, cooking shows, and Law & Order reruns simultaneously.

Who will greet us when THE TALK premieres this fall? Julie Chen, Sharon Osbourne, Sara Gilbert, Leah Remini, Holly Robinson Peete, and Marissa Jaret Winokur.

Uh oh…

That sound you did NOT just hear? It was your interest being piqued.

With all due respect to the CBS Six, I cannot imagine remotes across America clicking over to hear Sharon Osbourne’s views on the mid-term elections or Julie Chen’s charismatic takes on balancing work & family. Do these women lack opinions or talent? Of course not!

It is a problem of packaging.  Daytime viewers need fireworks and charisma, not polite discourse. The lineup presented by the Tiffany Network seems like a pleasant bunch to share brunch with, but I am unconvinced their star power and points of view will captivate the public each day.  Stories about Ozzy passing out on the couch were once charming, back before we saw him do that on MTV in 2002.

Today, I put my armchair programming hat on to present a lineup which would immediately attract viewers, and more effectively maintain an audience than CBS’ choices.

Kate Gosselin:  I know, I know…  In the eyes of millions, Kate Gosselin is a horrible example of how to become a public figure.  Love her or hate her, America’s most infamous breeder attracts huge audiences to her television projects, including her recent stint on DANCING WITH THE STARS.  The former Mrs. Ed Hardy has been attached to numerous talk show concepts since TLC made her a household name, and this is an ideal vehicle.  Extract maximum publicity from her name, show pictures of her gaggle of children, but mask her inexperience with an ensemble of experienced on-air personalities.

Teresa Strasser: Every panel show needs a moderator who is impeccably prepared and quick on his/her feet. Teresa Strasser is the glue that would keep this version of THE TALK together. A known quantity to daytime channel surfers from her days on TLC’s WHILE YOU WERE OUT, Strasser has spent the past few years softening the edges of Adam Carolla’s acerbic commentary on morning radio and their wildly successful podcast. An Emmy Award winning writer, Teresa’s book on pregnancy & parenting, Exploiting My Baby, will be released in January 2011. “T,” as her fans know her, is an engaging storyteller, lightning fast with comedic asides, and the consummate professional.

Sara Gilbert: The creative force behind bringing THE TALK to CBS in the first place, Sara Gilbert is a keeper. As the rarest of Hollywood quantities, a successful child actor who eschewed the TMZ transformation of celebrity, Gilbert may be the secret weapon in this equation. As a new mother along with her lesbian partner, Ms. Gilbert brings a distinctive voice to the show’s efforts to highlight the different shapes and sizes of America’s families.

Jen Kirkman:  A familiar face to fans of CHELSEA LATELY, Kirkman’s popularity is reaching new heights thanks to her Twitter feed.  Unafraid to challenge the anonymous barbs of the Twitterverse, Jen’s success as a stand-up comedian have reduced many naysayers to wave the white flag.  Kirkman wields a vast knowledge of issues relating to politics, pop culture, and entertainment.  The star of Funny or Die’s DRUNK HISTORY, Kirkman will bring immediate credibility to the panel with her candor.  Jen is one of my favorite all around performers, and she deserves to be appreciated by a wider audience.

Amy Holmes: The original lineup for THE TALK was free of known conservatives, an oversight that would dilute the show’s appeal for Republican viewers.  Amy Holmes, a CNN political contributor and frequent guest on REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER, would offer a credible voice for GOP households.  Ms. Holmes is eager to engage in vigorous debates, but lacks the self-righteous streak that makes so many pundits unwatchable.  As a bright, accomplished, and upbeat advocate for Republican values, Holmes will ensure that all viewpoints are represented on the show.

There are plenty of other talented women who would thrive in this environment. Consider this my two cents, and a jumping off point to a larger discussion of CBS’ new franchise.

What do you think of the CBS lineup? Are you planning to tune in? Who would you add or subtract from THE TALK’s roster of voices? If you were in charge of a network, would you hire Kate Gosselin? I’m interested in your feedback, so let’s get the conversation going!

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