Who Went Home on TOP CHEF: ALL STARS?

What do we have here? No quick fire challenge? The chefs are hopping on a boat to go fishing in Montauk? No running around the kitchen like chickens with their heads cut off? Am I still on Bravo or did I change the channel by accident?

Well as much as I loves me some drama, I must say tonight’s episode was a nice vacation, in more ways than one.

There were no bells and whistles this week: no Joe Jonas, no language barrier at the Chinatown market – just honest-to-goodness, ocean-to-table cooking. Nothing tastes better than something you killed or caught yourself. A hard day’s work culminating in a fresh, delicious meal on the beach. It’s the way food should be. It’s the way life should be.

The only thing that left a bad taste in my mouth this episode was Marcel. I know what you’re thinking. Why should that surprise me? Still, he was extra douchy tonight. Right off the bat, he is yelling at Dale for not making as many plates as him. There is so much wrong with his rant that I don’t even know where to begin.

Ok how about here:

1. You are ultimately responsible for your own dishes. If sabotage is not a reasonable excuse for failure (as in Spike’s case, for instance), then someone else making fewer dishes than you is definitely no excuse. If Marcel’s were better, it would have won.
2. Sure, the idea is to serve the people, but as far as I’m concerned Dale was smart to focus on the plates that were going to the judges, because his fate is in their hands after all.
3. Waving your hands in a pseudo-gangster/very off-putting manner, and cursing up a storm, does not change the past. It accomplishes nothing except making you look like a giant d-bag.

I can’t believe he said “if you wanna cry about it, if you wanna be a little f***in’ b****, then get the f*** out of the game.” Um, I don’t see Dale “crying” about the fact that he didn’t serve enough plates, Marcel, you are.

Dale says Marcel is lucky he took anger management training, because the old Dale would have exploded in a fit of rage. This is the first time I heard of said training, and it makes perfect sense now! I was wondering where Anger Dale from TOP CHEF: CHICAGO went. This whole season he has been calm, collected, and all smiles. Well, I’m glad he’s turning over a new leaf. Marcel should follow suit. However, there is a difference between having temper issues and being a naturally unpleasant person. Marcel may not be helpable.

But yes, on the whole, this episode was all rainbows and smiles. Here are my favorite moments:

1. Fishing rod innuendos galore. Particularly liked the ones coming from Carla (followed by Tre’s infectious cackle), and then from Richard (referring to Marcel’s “rod,” which is slightly more awkward.)
2. Angelo’s fear of sharks keeping him away from pools. Kind of endearing, kind of hilarious. (I’m a horrible person.)
3. Richard giving me yet another reason to love him with the following gem. “I’m letting Marcel think that he’s come up with the entire dish. That’s the key to managing Marcel.”
4. The girl team (Antonia, Jamie, and Tiffani) screaming like fourth graders when they catch a fish. Carla joining the girl’s team (even though they’re her competition) for a group victory booty-shake.
5. Daddy-son fishing memories from Fabio and Dale. Awwww.
6. Dale’s reeling in an enormous fish – a catch of a lifetime.
7. Bromantic odd-couples galore – Mikey and Angelo, teasing each other in the market, and while serving; Blais and Fabio aka “the Professor and Strange Italian Immigrant,” as Antonia put it.
8. Tre’s adoration for his family. “My sous chef in life, is my best friend, is my wife.” He’s a poet and he don’t even know it!
9. Dale’s fish tacos looked amazing. What I wouldn’t give for a fish taco on the beach right now…
10. Vignette of chefs’ inner-fish identities.
* Mike Isabella is a blowfish because according to Angelo, he blows a lot of gas. These boys are officially spending too much time together.
* Tre is one of those fish that bury themselves in the sand because you barely notice him (LOL) until he starts laughing! Cue infectious Tre cackle.
* Angelo is a mermaid. Naturally. He tweeted (@angeloasosa) “I guess I’m a mer-man.” Glad he is embracing it! However, I do recall that Dale specifically referred to him as a mermaid. J
11. Carla’s second win of the season! Hootie hoo! Of course, Marcel took a piss all over her moment of glory. And Carla, being the angel she is, actually felt guilty and said “I should have contained my excitement.” Eff you, Marcel.

Yes, today was a vacation from many things: for the chefs, a vacation from the confined spaces of the indoors; for we the viewers, a vacation from the ridiculousness of over-the-top challenges. But most importantly, we were given a vacation from the perpetual INJUSTICE that has plagued us all: Jamie’s week-after-week being given another chance that she doesn’t deserve.

Finally. Jamie. Has. Packed her knives.

*rainbows* *confetti* *hallelujah chorus* *infectious Tre cackle*

Now we can focus on the chefs who actually COOK.

What was your favorite moment? What fish would Fabio be?