THE VAMPIRE DIARIES Season Premiere Recap

So Damon walked out of the bathtub, soaking wet and naked.

And now you know what happened on tonight’s season premiere of THE VAMPIRE DIARIES.

The End.

Ok, not quite, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy to concentrate on plot development after that scene was dropped on me so early into the show. Those manipulative writers…thank you.

Besides making sure they were squeaky clean, just what else have our favorite supernatural and human folk of Mystic Falls been up to since we last saw them?

Well, Stefan is still sucking…blood that is. He’s playing wingman to Klaus as the original goes about his plan to develop an army of hybrids, just like him. Stefan is doing what he needs to do per Klaus’s command, but the boy’s heart really isn’t into it. He might have wanted to kill that kid from 7th HEAVEN, but I think deep down he knew that Reverend Camden would not be pleased. Despite his sadistic killing ways, Stefan is still connected to that part of him that is human. I mean how many other vamps do you know that would brutally murder two young girls, but then feel such remorse that he takes the time to put their dead bodies back together again? Some people call Stefan ‘The Ripper’, I just call him thoughtful.

Perhaps ‘thoughtful’ isn’t the right word. I mean he did mercilessly compel Andie to jump to her own death, right in front of Damon. But I guess that’s tit for tat; Damon did kill Stefan’s BFF Lexie. So that’s two of Damon’s lady friends that have lost their lives as of late. Neither death was technically Damon’s fault, but I’m starting to think he might not be boyfriend material. (Scratch that. I just went back and watched the bathtub scene again. Most definitely boyfriend material.)

Damon might have been troubled by Andie’s death, but it’s not like her really loved her. No sir. The elder Salvatore is still very much a smitten kitten with one Elena Gilbert. How about when he returned Elena’s necklace and she asked for his help in putting it on? A mere knife would have not been sufficient enough to cut the sexual tension between the two of them. A well sharpened machete might have done the trick. I know that in my heart of hearts Damon really wants to bring his brother home, but I also think Tyler might have been on to something when he said that Damon might not have been overly anxious to find Stefan only to return him straight into Elena’s arms. That being said, I think it pained Damon just a bit to tell Elena that the bodies strewn up and down the East Coast were not the handy dandy work of Klaus, but rather Stefan. Damon tries to tell Elena that the Stefan she knew isn’t coming back. But honey badger Elena don’t give a shit! She knows Stefan will fight his way back to her.

As for Tyler, Mystic Falls’ own Jacob Black (just a joke, please don’t send Twilight-related hate mail) is feeling like a complete horn dog (pun absolutely intended). He’s got his eyes set on Caroline, and despite her outward protests, she wants him just as much. Matt isn’t too pleased about the amount of time his ex-girlfriend and his ex-best friend are spending together. Needless to say, he’s probably going to be a bit irked if and when he finds out about Tyler and Caroline’s sexcapades – and I’m not just talking about your run of the mill sexcapades – we’re talking supermegafoxyawesomehot animal sex (pun not originally intended, but it works.) Like holy wow, I can’t believe this is on The CW during the 8pm hour sexcapades. Well done you two. Well done.

One couple not enjoying the loving embrace of their significant other is Jeremy and Bonnie. Poor Kat Graham was relegated to a cheesy T-Mobile product placement scene. Um, that cell phone had a camera right? Could she not see how ridiculously hot her boy was looking, especially with that new haircut? If I were Bonnie I would have been wiggling my nose ‘Bewitched’ style or at least hopping a broomstick in order to get my ass back to Mystic Falls for quality time with the fetching Mr. Gilbert.

Maybe Bonnie would hurry up and get back to her man if she knew how much time he was spending with his two ex-girlfriends – Vicki and Anna. Now, said exes are technically dead, but that doesn’t make them any less of a threat, especially in that town. Why and how Jeremy is seeing dead people is still unknown. But based on Vicki’s short plea of help, it seems like they need him to do something for them. (If a young Marisa Cooper shows up under his bed, then I think we will have solved this mystery.)

With Bonnie out of town, and Stefan having run off on a killing spree, I could definitely understand why Elena was not having the best birthday. Caroline did her best to throw one hell of a bash. (Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think any of the party-goers were killed or maimed in any way. That’s what a call a roaring success of a shindig.) Elena is missing Stefan. She’s feeling a bit confused as to her feelings with Damon. She’s a bit of a wreck. And to top it all off, the only real adult figure she has in her life basically abandons her.

Despite kicking it on the Gilbert couch all summer long, Alaric decides to up and leave, telling Elena that since she’s 18 she can handle things on her own and he doesn’t need to be around.

Um, what?

Let’s backtrack here a bit, shall we?

In the past year or so, Elena’s parents (who were really not her parents, since you know, the man she thought was her uncle turned out to be her father and her real mother was a loon who became a vampire) died in a tragic accident. She finds out the guy she fell for is a vampire. Her new boyfriend’s ex is basically her evil twin. One of her her best friends becomes a powerful witch while her other best friend is turned into a vampire. Her beloved aunt/guardian, is killed by an evil, original vampire who is only leaving Elena alone because he thinks she’s dead. But Alaric thinks Elana is well equipped to handle life on her own now that she’s the big 1-8. Come on, Ric. I know your struggling but give the girl a break. Like she doesn’t already have enough abandonment issues.

I suppose it’s worthwhile to note that not everyone can leave Elena Gilbert behind so easily. Stefan takes a break from maliciously killing innocent people (and Humpty Dumpty’ing their bodies) to call Elena. He can’t find it in him to speak to her, but she knows it’s him. It was a sweet moment. One that left me hoping someone prank calls me tonight so I can pretend it’s Stefan.

Stefan’s moment of clarity and his need to connect with Elena could have been a great way to end the episode. But no, this is THE VAMPIRE DIARIES so they have to screw with us just enough to leave us panting for more, more, more! And as such, the episode ended with Mrs. Lockwood tranq’ing the bejesus out of Caroline. Something tells me Mrs. L didn’t pull the trigger because Caroline was defiling her baby boy. But how did Mrs. Lockwood know of Caroline’s V-Stamp? Hmmm.

The return to Mystic Falls was long overdue and tonight’s episode was a great way to kick off what’s surely going to be one hell of a season.

My only question?

WHERE THE HELL WAS KATHERINE?!

Were you happy to have TVD back? Any standout moments in tonight’s ep? Thoughts on where these storylines might be going? Share!

And next week on THE VAMPIRE DIARIES…

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