RINGER Recap: ‘A Whole New Kind of Bitch’

Where do I begin with this week’s episode? And DON’T read past this point if you haven’t seen this week’s RINGER, or I’ll tell everyone who you really are…

Well, I’ll start with the obvious: Jason Dohring still hasn’t shown up. Ridiculous.

Okay, I’ll follow that up with the second-most scandalous part of the night: Gemma may be dead!

It’s as if all of my wildest dreams are coming true. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This week begins with Bridget trying to get a hold of Gemma, who quickly left the Hamptons after bitch-slapping Bridget and learning who Bridget really is. We see a flashback to that night, which shows that, of course, Gemma doesn’t believe Bridget. I should’ve known that such a lame resolution like this would happen within the first five minutes.

Andrew and Bridget arrive home, where they see “WHORE” written on Siobhan’s huge picture of — what else? — herself. This would’ve been the perfect excuse to get rid of the thing, but that unfortunately doesn’t happen (more on that later).

They find Juliet sleeping on the couch, who’s come back from Florida and exhausted after throwing herself a huge “Welcome Home” party. Andrew demands that Juliet apologize to “Siobhan,” but Juliet says she’ll never apologize to “that woman.” So glad to have your lovely presence back, Juliet!

We finally see Gemma, who’s at (surprise!) her apartment, watching a video of her, Siobhan, Andrew and Henry celebrating New Year’s. Who knows where she got this video or how she didn’t notice this before, but it’s clear Henry and Siobhan are flirting with each other. Most importantly, Gemma, who’s become more observational in the past few hours despite being clueless this entire season, notices a scar on Siobhan’s wrist.

Back at Andrew and Siobhan’s apartment, Bridget’s looking through Juliet’s room for drugs. Andrew doesn’t like this, saying he wants to handle the situation while respecting Juliet’s privacy. He doesn’t understand why “Siobhan” cares so much about Juliet (An even better question: Why does anyone?), and Bridget tells him it’s because she had a cousin who was an addict. She also says she doesn’t want drugs in the house once “the baby” arrives. No need to worry about that imaginary pregnancy, huh, Bridget?

Juliet comes home from wherever she’s been and sees her stuff has been rifled through. She goes to Siobhan’s closet and messes with Siobhan’s things — including ripping her wedding dress. She’s on the phone during this entire scene (so multitalented!), and she tells whomever she’s talking to, “They tell me I’m vindictive, but I learn from the best.” I know Siobhan was/is a bitch, but just how evil was she? During her little bout of rage, Juliet finds a yellow sheet of paper: a schedule for Narcotics Anonymous.

Gemma confronts Bridget, and when she sees that Bridget doesn’t have a scar on her wrist, she realizes Bridget isn’t Siobhan. Bridget explains everything to Gemma over lunch. Despite the whole Henry-Siobhan affair, Gemma is surprisingly upset that Siobhan’s dead. She even insists that Siobhan was like a sister to her. (Um, she slept with your husband, and you’re calling her your sister?)

Gemma must be sad that she can’t take her anger about the affair out on Siobhan, so she apparently decides to take it out on Bridget. “I don’t get what kind of a person does this to her sister,” Gemma says. Bridget insists that she didn’t have a choice and is staying to clean up Siobhan’s mess, but Gemma accuses Bridget of only staying for herself. For once, I kind of agree with Gemma. Bridget begs Gemma not to tell anyone her real identity, but Gemma says she doesn’t have to do anything for Bridget. Bitch.

Bridget then goes to a NA meeting, where she meets a really cute guy named Charlie. Who knew NA was the place to pick up guys? Juliet’s followed Bridget to the meeting, and she looks pretty pleased with herself to have found out Siobhan’s “secret.”

Later, during an awkward family dinner, Andrew says he and Juliet talked, and things are going to be different from now on. Oh, Andrew, you’d be perfect if you weren’t so oblivious. Juliet ruins the moment by announcing that she followed Bridget to NA. Once again, she’s such a delightful child. Bridget tells Andrew that she was only there for research to help Juliet, but Andrew insists that he wants to keep ineffectually handling the situation.

To make matters worse, Gemma comes to visit. To Bridget’s relief, Gemma only tells Andrew she can no longer work on the loft. Bridget privately thanks Gemma, but Gemma says not to thank her yet. Gemma plans to divorce Henry, but she doesn’t want him to get any of her money. They have an infidelity clause in their prenup, so if Gemma catches him in the act, he won’t be able to get any of her money. Gemma says she wants Bridget to seduce and sleep with Henry. If Bridget doesn’t do it, Gemma says she’ll tell everyone who Bridget really is.

Bridget doesn’t take Gemma’s blackmail attempt well. She almost takes some pills, but she throws them in the sink before she decides to use again. She meets with Charlie and vaguely tells him what’s going on. She’s afraid if she goes through with Gemma’s plan, she’ll be so upset that she’ll relapse. “You’ve got a bumpy road ahead,” Charlie says. Yeah, no kidding. Charlie offers to be her sponsor, and even though Bridget initially declines, he seems to eventually persuade her.

Bridget eventually tells Gemma that she can’t go through with the plan. Gemma takes the blackmailing a step further and says if Bridget doesn’t do this, she’ll tell Victor. Speaking of which, where is the world’s dumbest FBI agent?

Andrew finally comes up with a “great” solution to Juliet’s problems: He’s putting her in public school instead of sending her back to private school. He says he’s tired of her hanging out with people who have been in and out of rehab before they were 16 years old. First of all, public school in New York City is not exactly drug free. Secondly, instead of hanging out with druggies who’ve been in rehab, Juliet will be hanging out with druggies who can’t afford rehab. Good solution, Andrew!

Juliet says her behavior isn’t about drugs; instead, it’s about Siobhan. She really hates Siobhan, she says, because she’s a whore (as if the big picture didn’t tell us) who sleeps with married men. Uh oh.

Speaking of sleeping with married men, Bridget meets with Henry and tells him about Gemma’s plan. She says he needs to go home and make things right by telling Gemma he loves her. Of course, he says he can’t do that because he doesn’t love her, he loves Siobhan. “Then I’m out of moves,” Bridget says before leaving.

When Bridget gets back to her apartment, Andrew is worried because Juliet’s missing, and he can’t reach her. He says Juliet found out Andrew had cheated on Juliet’s mom with Siobhan, even though his first marriage was practically over by the time they got together. Bridget had found the matchbook of a club in one of Juliet’s drawers, so they decide to go that club to look for her.

Before Bridget can leave, Gemma shows up and tells Bridget her time is up. Bridget apologizes for Siobhan’s behavior and asks Gemma to let Bridget try being the friend Siobhan wasn’t. After all, Bridget points out, she stopped the affair when she had plenty of chances not to. Gemma agrees to give Bridget a chance, saying that she doesn’t know what she’s doing or who she is anymore. Everything is peachy between them for all of a few minutes, when Gemma gets a call from Henry, who tells her Siobhan told him everything and that he’s going to fight her (as it turns out, maybe more literally than we thought).

Bridget and Andrew find Juliet at the club, and when they confront her, Juliet says if it hadn’t of been for Siobhan, her parents may still be together. Bridget says Juliet can blame her as much as she wants, just as long as Juliet doesn’t keep taking her anger out on her dad or herself. As with Gemma, Bridget says she wants Juliet to give her another chance. Juliet comes around, and they have a beautiful, Hallmark family moment. Juliet even later helps Bridget clean off the big picture (THROW IT AWAY).

As he leaves the club, Andrew gets an urgent call from Gemma, who says she needs to speak to him right away. But once Andrew gets to her apartment, Henry says he doesn’t know where she is. Henry suspiciously won’t let Andrew in, so Andrew leaves. Once Andrew’s gone, we see a broken lamp on the floor and a lot of blood on the walls, but no Gemma.

I’m not convinced Gemma’s dead. If there’s one thing TV has taught me, it’s that you can’t assume someone’s dead until you see a body. It’s a stretch, but Henry could’ve just gotten angry, thrown the lamp against the wall, and cut himself in the process.

A few other notable things…

• Despite his absence last week, we got to see Malcolm this week. He’s still in that sketchy strip club, being tortured by Macawi but refusing to give up information. It also looks as though he was able to destroy his phone (which had the longest battery life ever), so Macawi won’t be able to figure out where Bridget is.
• Neither Victor nor Siobhan were in this week’s episode. No Victor I can understand, but no Siobhan? She and Bridget are the main characters, so without one, an episode feels a little odd. After last week, it’s essential for Siobhan to be on just as much as Bridget. I like how we can compare them and see how they play off of one another, even when they aren’t together. Without one sister, insight into their characters is lacking.
• Along with this, I think RINGER’s stuffed plot is starting to catch up with itself. Having to focus on some storylines more or instead of others each week is frustrating. What has happened to the mystery phone? Or the guy who wanted it? Or the murder attempt against Siobhan? Also, when is Bridget going to deal with her fake pregnancy?
• Did anyone else think the preview for next week was creepy? Not because of the possible murder, but because it seemed as though the CW was trying too hard to make Henry look sexy…while he was getting rid of the possible murder evidence. Seriously, it looked as though he was modeling with a trash bag. Everyone knows only Michael C. Hall can pull off sexy murderer.
• Most ironic voicemail ever: “You’ve reached Gemma. Don’t be boring.”

What did you think of this week’s RINGER? Do you think Gemma’s really dead?