RINGER Recap: ‘What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?’

It finally happened: RINGER made, dare I say it, actual progression Tuesday night. And it wasn’t even a winter or season finale!

And, no, I’m not talking about the type of progression involving hairstyles (speaking of which, bye-bye hideous bangs).

Secrets were finally told, new characters were introduced and some people actually started to get a clue.

The biggest development, of course, is that Siobhan told Henry the truth about whom she actually is (and whom Bridget isn’t) and the pregnancy.

I thought we’d have to wait seasons for that to happen, but luckily, we don’t! I’m still a little worried the reveal might be a dream sequence or Henry will get whacked off in the next episode, leaving Siobhan alone once again, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Another big development of the episode is that RINGER finally embraced its soapiness. We’ve all known RINGER is supposed to be a drama-filled soapfest, not a drama competing with the likes of THE GOOD WIFE or PERSON OF INTEREST. The show has occasionally been trying to sidestep this issue (Remember the talk of rate of growth projections last week? Did my just saying that put you to sleep?), but this week’s episode was filled with REAL HOUSEWIVES-esque drama. I mean, all you have to do is look at the title of the episode, and you’ll know what I mean.

The catalyst for this was Juliet’s mom, Catherine, coming to town, so she can help Juliet deal with the rape. I don’t really buy that Juliet would invite her pretty terrible mom to comfort her when she has Bridget offering to make her pancakes, but whatever — it made the hour 100x more interesting! Catherine was seriously introduced drinking wine in the bathtub and calling out Bridget (or Siobhan) for stealing her husband. Perfect.

Andrew, sympathizing with Juliet, agrees to let Catherine stay at the apartment for a few days. All men who are reading this: Never, ever, let your ex-wife and the wife who stole you away be within 100 feet of each other. EVER. They will never be friends or agree to have a three-way with you.

Speaking of Andrew’s wife (his real one), Siobhan calls Tyler to update him about what’s going on in NYC. He asks when she will be coming back to Paris, and she says she will be back once she ties up some loose ends. She really just ended up creating more loose ends with Henry, so it might be a while before she sees Tyler again.

To make some quick cash, Siobhan decides to moonlight as a prostitute. Okay, I’m totally just kidding, but I feel as though that wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for this show. Instead of selling herself, Siobhan tries to sell Bridget’s ring at a pawn shop. The guy at the shop is obviously suspicious and thinks the ring is stolen, but she convinces him it’s not and gets $15,000 for it. I’m really surprised Siobhan didn’t haggle more for it, especially since she’s from New York and is Satan’s shopaholic daughter. Anyway, after getting the money, Siobhan calls some random person and says, “I have the cash. Let’s do this.” I was really hoping for a musical montage of Siobhan shopping after this, but alas, it didn’t happen. GLEE-RINGER crossover, anyone?

Bridget somehow figures out that The Pivoine Hotel is in Paris, not Boston, so she calls as Siobhan and asks for her most recent charges. They can’t find her name, so Bridget tries the name Cora Farrell, which works. They can’t give her the dates of her last stay, though, until she tells them the credit card number she booked the room with.

She doesn’t know the number, so she calls Andrew’s secretary and asks for the dates of her and Andrew’s last trip to Paris. The secretary has no record of them ever going to Paris (please, like Andrew would never have taken Siobhan there), but she tells Bridget that Andrew will be going there in a few weeks to meet with the new head of foreign accounts aka Tyler.

Bridget remembers Tyler from their awkward dinner meeting, the one where he called her Cora, so she has the secretary connect her to him. Tyler picks up and mentions something to Bridget about Solomon, a guy whom Siobhan said could help her get out of Dodge, but Bridget is totally confused because she has no idea who the hell Solomon is. She can’t even find his name is Siobhan’s planner!

She hangs up on Tyler when Andrew comes in and asks her if she tried to sell her ring. Uh oh. The pawn shop guy wasn’t born yesterday, so he called the police with the ring’s serial number. Bridget says she lied about having it resized because she was worried Andrew would be upset. Of course he’s not, and all is happy in rich people land.

Siobhan gets a call from Tyler, who is confused about why she hung up on him so abruptly (because apparently that behavior is so much different from how Siobhan normally treats him). Siobhan, not being a total idiot, realizes Bridget is getting closer to figuring her out, so she has her fake passport/visa guy make her new documents with a name other than Cora Farrell. She will now be known as Rebecca Something-or-Other.

Henry follows Siobhan as she meets with this sketchy passport/visa guy and tells him to change the names. After this guy smartly throws away the fake passports in a perfectly open trash can, Henry finds them.

Meanwhile, Juliet’s principal shows up at the apartment with surveillance footage the whole family needs to see right away. Bonding moment! The video shows Juliet suggestively pushing Mr. C against a wall, and he is obviously not into it. Juliet insists she made a mistake and changed her mind about wanting to have sex, but Mr. C still forced her. I thought the show was going to make Juliet out to be a liar and reinforce the idea that women who come on to men can’t be raped, but luckily, it didn’t. I believe her, and Andrew sticks up for her.

Catherine, however, thinks Juliet decided to screw Mr. C the only way she could after he denied her. Bridget defends Juliet, and Catherine and Bridget go at it. This was definitely the most entertaining, trashy part of the night, and I loved it. It really made me miss the days of FLAVA OF LOVE. Bridget is definitely Pumkin, and Catherine is New York. Luckily, Andrew intervenes before spitting is involved and says Juliet needs their help and attention.

Henry and Siobhan meet up for the 100th time to talk, but it’s not exactly the romantic reunion Siobhan probably hoped for. He says he thinks she’s Bridget because he followed her all day (seriously, who is looking after the twins?) and saw all of the shady things she did. He reveals that he called Victor, who is dramatically standing there as Henry leaves.

Victor takes Siobhan “down to the station,” where he discovers Siobhan’s fingerprints don’t match Bridget’s. Poor Victor. He’s seriously getting nowhere and is just plain sad.

Back at the apartment, Catherine is drunk and lighting pictures of Juliet on fire. She says she’s having a funeral for her slut of a daughter (I still can’t figure out what made Juliet turn to drugs, but I’m thinking it may have to do with her mom), so Andrew kicks her out.

Catherine returns the next day, wanting to say goodbye to Juliet, but Bridget tells her Juliet’s at school. Juliet left a letter for her, and Catherine mentions how Siobhan used to leave “coded” (aka jumbled) notes for Andrew around their old apartment to set up their next rendezvous. Bridget realizes Siobhan must have jumbled the names in her planner, so she goes back to it and un-jumbles the name Solomon.

Bridget calls him, and he says he’ll pick her up in one hour. When he gets there (Hey, Sean Patrick Thomas!), he asks Bridget if she brought her gun. She says no, so he says she must want her other usual, which is to go to JFK. She asks when he last took her there, and he says it was nine months ago when she went to visit an old friend in Wyoming. So, pretty much this whole time, Siobhan knew where Bridget was, and when she went to Wyoming, she didn’t even try to contact Bridget. This is just another reason to believe Siobhan is somehow involved with Macawi — it’s just too bad we will just have to wait until season eight to see how.

As Bridget gets out of the car, Henry sees her, and Siobhan him tells him about the baby. Hallelujah. Now she just has to mention that whole “I am kind of the reason why your wife is dead” thing, but I won’t nitpick. These reveals are enough for now.

Finally, Tessa (remember Ke$ha 2.0?) visits Juliet at the apartment. Juliet greets her with the lovely title of the episode (I call all of my closest girlfriends ho-bags!), and Tessa tells her Mr. C also raped her. I know this sounds bad, but I honestly thought Ke$ha 2.0 was about to burst out laughing, only trying to mock Juliet. I know this also sounds bad, but I’m still not 100 percent convinced this won’t happen at the beginning of next week’s episode.

Other thoughts:

• Oh, Victor, you are so boring. Granted, his storyline was a little better this week, but that scene where he was trying to write down all of the clues? I’m sure Nestor Carbonell has just been waiting for a scene like that all of his life. At least he has THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, right?
• Bridget finally got her ring back! The pun is still available.
• So there was a whole subplot with Jimmy and Macawi. I will sum it up here because why waste numerous lines on it when it probably won’t be addressed again until the end of the season? Here it goes: Jimmy confessed to the murders of Victor’s two CIs, but Victor knows he’s lying because of Bridget’s testimony. Macawi then visits Jimmy in prison, and Jimmy says Macawi needs to get him out because he finally paid off his debts. Macawi is as expressionless as ever, so Jimmy says he will help him find Bridget if Macawi gets him out. The end.
• What is the point of Malcolm? I like the actor, but his character doesn’t really seem to serve much of a purpose anymore.
• So I initially thought creepy passport/visa guy was Solomon, but I think Thomas is. His character on IMDb is listed as Solomon, so I’m excited to see how he is involved in all of this.
• Isn’t anyone wondering why Bridget keeps asking about past events and relationships, like she doesn’t remember them happening? I would hope my family and friends would at least be concerned I have amnesia or something.
• This episode wasn’t perfect, but I still think it was one of the best of the season. I’m so glad to finally be getting somewhere, and I can’t wait to see what next week brings (probably nothing, but oh well).

What did you think of this week’s RINGER?