RINGER Recap: ‘Whores Don’t Make That Much’

Oh, RINGER fans. Where do I begin with this week’s episode?

I, it seems unlike a lot of people, actually liked the twist in last week’s episode. I thought it was fitting of Juliet’s character and added some spice that’s been sorely missing.

But I may have been wrong because this week’s episode, partly focusing on last week’s events, was a dud. The writing was inconsistent, the flashbacks were largely unnecessary and the pacing was slow.

Even when RINGER has better episodes, and there have been some I’ve really liked, I find it hard to get excited for the following week. With episodes like this one, I may even forget it’s on at all next Tuesday.

The episode begins with Malcolm (he’s back!) and Bridget going to Siobhan’s secret office, only to find it’s been vacated. (One of the only highlights of the week: Malcolm was looking pretty good in that suit, right?)

Bridget figures out that someone must have taken her key to the office, and that person must be the one who wants Siobhan dead. Malcolm is worried about their safety, so he randomly decides to put GPS trackers on each other’s phone. “Now we’ll always be able to find each other,” he says. Oh, hon, she’s in love with Andrew — it’s time to move on.

Catherine visits Andrew at the apartment and is actually civil, but it’s because she wants something: Juliet to live with her in Miami. Andrew says he has full custody for a reason (because of Catherine’s drinking), but she says she hasn’t had a drop in days. (Days? Well then, that changes everything!) Luckily, Andrew uses his brain on this one and says no.

At school, Ke$ha 2.0 shows up in a $50,000 car, which makes Juliet none too pleased. Juliet tells her they agreed not to draw any unwanted attention to themselves, but Tessa insists she can do whatever she wants. She also mentions that the rest of her cut of the settlement — $3 million — is hiding under her bed. I was considering saying how ridiculous this is, but I am a die-hard BREAKING BAD fan, and fans of Walter White all know that he’s kept his stash in some interesting, not particularly smart places throughout four seasons.

Andrew contacts his lawyer about custody, and the lawyer says that if Catherine fights him on it, they may have a problem. Juliet’s done so well in NYC, with the drinking, drugs and rape allegations, that I have no idea what that lawyer’s talking about! He’s worried about losing her, but Bridget assures him that Juliet belongs with them.

Malcolm’s now working for Martin & Charles, where he overhears Henry demanding that Andrew cash his share out of the fund. Henry’s scarf was particularly hideous in this scene, so hopefully he can take that money and hire a stylist. Henry accuses Andrew of being a crook, but doesn’t tell him why, and says he’s having trust issues since Gemma’s death.

Bridget gets a phone call from some flower place, asking if she still wants her yearly flower delivery to take place. The flowers are sent to 1947 Main St. (the address Bridget found in Siobhan’s office last week), so she decides to go there and see what’s going on.

It turn’s out, the flowers are sent to Sean’s grandmother every year, which Bridget figures out after seeing a picture of Sean in his grandmother’s home. Is it just me, or it is difficult to imagine Siobhan doing something nice for anyone? Bridget abruptly leaves, upset about what she’s discovered.

To make a long story short, it turns out that seven years ago in Lake Tahoe, NV, Bridget, Siobhan and Sean were living together. Siobhan was supporting them and just as kind as ever, while Bridget stayed home and watched Sean.

Sean’s dad, Dylan, hadn’t been in Sean’s life but wanted to be a part of it then. Siobhan was definitely not happy about this and told Bridget that if Dylan came to the apartment when she’s not there, Bridget should have him arrested.

Well, shocker, Dylan comes around one day and wanted to take Sean to the county fair. Bridget was reluctant at first but eventually agreed that they could go. On the way home, they got hit by a car, and Sean died.

Bridget showed up to the funeral, but Siobhan didn’t want her there. She even slapped her, which was pretty cruel since Bridget just got into a car accident and already had a hurt arm. I’m all for slaps, because I think they’re hilarious in soaps, but it felt really out of place in this scene and was definitely not needed. We get it: Siobhan hates Bridget.

It was almost a year before they say each other again, when Bridget found out Siobhan was moving to New York. (Remember that flashback way back when?) Bridget was upset and felt so guilty about Sean that she turned to drinking and drugs, which got her mixed up with Macawi. And here we are!

Phew. That was a lot of flashbacks.

As for Juliet, she meets with Mr. C (who’s sporting a not-suspicious-at-all black ensemble) to tell him about Tessa. She reveals that Tessa’s hiding her money under her bed, which of course won’t lead to anything bad happening, right? He tells Juliet that he’ll “take care of it.”

The next day when Juliet gets to school, she finds out Tessa was robbed and beaten up the night before. Juliet goes to visit her in the hospital, where Tessa’s foster mom says the robber didn’t take anything but only what was under Tessa’s bed.

At his apartment, Henry, who is quickly becoming the new Gemma (useless and boring), gets a text from Siobhan. She asks him if he’s gotten his money back. He says he’s working on it and tells her Malcolm is working at Martin & Charles. Siobhan, as with everything, is not happy about this, so she tells Henry to stay on top of Malcolm. First of all, this was the worst scene of the entire episode. Texting, really? Secondly, this whole plot point just feels like an excuse to give Henry something to do. Why would Siobhan care about Malcolm? Yeah, she wouldn’t.

Dylan comes by Bridget’s apartment and is angry that Siobhan has been sending his mother flowers for all of these years. (Someone got upstaged in the gift-giving department, huh?) Bridget gets mad in return, saying that she trusted him, yet he cost her everything that meant anything to her. Okay, seriously — it was an accident. Totally not his fault.

Sometime later, Bridget goes to Dylan’s house and creepily watches him with his wife and daughter through a window. She’s about to throw a brick through it, when Malcolm stops her. Yay for stalkers stalking stalkers! Maybe he and Bridget are meant for each other…

Bridget spills everything about Sean to Malcolm, who tells her that she needs to forgive herself. Bridget says Siobhan lied about forgiving her, but Malcolm convinces her that Siobhan probably did mean it. What an idiot — if only he knew what Siobhan was up to.

The following day, at Martin & Charles, Henry asks Malcolm if he’ll help him with a computer at this apartment. Malcolm says no at first, but he then notices that Henry has a key with a boat keychain — just like the one Bridget was missing! So, of course, he changes his mind and says he’d love to help.

Juliet meets up with Mr. C again, who insists that he didn’t hurt Tessa. He gets pretty grabby with Juliet, which freaks her out. She leaves, calls someone and says that the plan is falling apart. Who could be on the other line?!

Bridget goes to visit Dylan and tells him she forgives him for the night Sean died. She even admits that it was an accident — but she still needs to forgive him? Ugh. I guess it makes sense if it was coming from Siobhan, which he thinks it is, but from Bridget, it’s just dumb.

Later, Andrew tells Bridget that he’s decided to fight for Juliet because even though NYC may not be the right place for her, they’re the right family for her. They have a sweet moment, but all I could think was, “For the love of God, Andrew, please let her go!”

Malcolm calls Bridget to make sure she’s okay after visiting Sean. She says she is, but she wanted to give Dylan her own forgiveness — not just Siobhan’s. Do I need to repeat that IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?! Malcolm takes this as a sign that Bridget doesn’t want to be Siobhan anymore. Bridget agrees that eventually, she wants to stop lying to everyone she cares about. She thinks there must be some way for everything to work out. Oh, you optimistic fool.

As for the “big twist,” it turns out Catherine came up with and orchestrated the rape allegation scheme. I was hoping it would somehow be Siobhan who was involved, but sadly, it’s Catherine. Not surprising at all and a big disappointment.

Other thoughts:

• Okay, RINGER writers, you don’t need to tell us every time a flashback happens that we’re in the same place and time. Most of the CW’s viewers may be teens, but they’re not that dumb (one can only hope).
• Also, could Juliet be more inconsistent? Is she bad or good? Does she feel guilty or not? Last week, she was all for getting her money back. This week, she was crying and wanting a do-over.
• As I was watching this week, I realized that these actors, particularly Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ioan Gruffudd are way too good for this show. It’s really a shame they’re stuck with this material.
• A few weeks ago, I was happy for the addition of Juliet’s mom and Solomon. But I’m starting to see that one of RINGER’s problems is that it has way too many characters. Some of them strangely go missing for weeks (Malcolm, Victor and even Siobhan), which makes it difficult to connect with any of them. Hell, even the characters we see every week are hard enough to sympathize with. The writers need to take advantage of the custody plot and ship Juliet and Catherine back to Miami. It will help to re-focus the plot on the characters we’re supposed to care about – and hopefully reveal some type of motivation for Siobhan. And yes I’m saying this with the full awareness that if Juliet goes, so will Jason Dohring (but let’s be honest, he deserves much better).

What did you think of this week’s episode? Let us know in the comments!