RINGER Recap: ‘You’re Way Too Pretty to Go to Jail’

Welcome back to another stimulating week of RINGER, GMMR readers!

Of course, I’m being sarcastic, but it is good to be back after taking off last week. (Me, not the show.) Nothing pleases me more than critiquing CW’s most over-the-top show, apart from ONE TREE HILL — thank the TV gods that’s finally being put out of its misery.

Tuesday’s episode of RINGER pretty much sums up my frustration with the drama: The whole episode continues to prove how ridiculous this already far-fetched concept is and pushes the extent of how dumb people can be, yet in the last three minutes or so, it hooks me all over again.

What can I say? I’m a sucker for cliffhangers — and killing off pointless characters (this is the second show to do that this week, and yes, I’m referring to THE WALKING DEAD).

Our beloved doormat, Tyler, bit the dust this week. I kept wondering how Siobhan was finally going to tell him he isn’t her baby (or babies’) daddy, and I guess that answers the question. It’s a shame, really, because I was looking forward to the fake “Maury” segment featuring Siobhan, Tyler, Andrew and Henry. Seriously, just take a minute to imagine how awesome this would be.

But who killed Tyler? Olivia? Andrew? Someone else? We saw Olivia with Siobhan’s flash drive at the end of the episode, so I’m assuming she’s the murderer, but you can never really assume anything with RINGER. Or maybe you can because it is pretty predictable.

The other big “twist” is that Malcolm has decided to press charges against Bodaway for kidnapping. He hopes this will allow Bridget to return to her old life, but we all know this won’t go well or as planned. I want to like Malcolm, but he’s the Dale of this show — the annoying voice of reason that makes sense in theory but instead just interrupts the action, and he must be killed by a zombie … or something like that.

This week begins with Tyler bringing Siobhan flowers and data from Martin & Charles. This being Siobhan, she cares only about the data, which will help to build a case against Andrew.

Tyler is ready to go to the authorities with the information, but Siobhan wants to wait. She makes an excuse as to why it’s too soon, saying that her assets will be frozen. Tyler sweetly says that he’ll get another job and support them, but Siobhan replies that he doesn’t know what Andrew’s capable of.

Speaking of Andrew, he’s trying to explain the Ponzi scheme to Bridget after telling him it was his idea, not the evil Olivia’s. He says Martin & Charles made a series of bad investments and had to use money from existing investors to pay off the old ones. He insists the company is planning to use its extra profit to dig itself out, but as he later tells Olivia, it’s not true.

Andrew also mentions that Siobhan came to him before with the Ponzi scheme accusation, but he denied it because they were on bad terms and thought she would turn him in. But now that they’re so in love and everything’s peachy, she totally won’t … right?

Back in Paris, France, Tyler has gone behind Siobhan’s back and contacted someone named Lanfair at the SEC. Tyler wants to be granted immunity before he turns in all the evidence, or something like that. Siobhan is not too happy when she finds out through a note Tyler leaves her in the morning. I initially thought he ditched her and the baby, but then realized he’s too dumb to do that (not that this is OK in reality, but for this show, I’ll let it slide).

Bridget and Malcolm catching up about everything that’s happened (you know, just the reveal of a Ponzi scheme), and Malcolm wisely says that it’s unfair for Bridget to be mad at Andrew for lying. This knocks some sense into Bridget, who accuses herself of being a hypocrite. Well duh.

Malcolm suggests that Andrew is behind the hit on Siobhan. He adds that Bridget should either leave or testify against Bodaway because either is safer than staying in New York. Of course, Bridget is convinced that Andrew couldn’t hurt anyone, let alone her, and she tells Malcolm to leave if he can’t accept that.

In Denver, C.O., we finally see Victor again. Seriously, where has he been these past few weeks? He’s always annoyingly in everyone’s business, and then he just disappears. THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Victor has been replaced as the leader of the Bodaway case, and the guy taking his place is attempting to get Bodaway nailed for cigarette trafficking. Super exciting! The new leader also doesn’t think Bridget is relevant to the case anymore, but since Victor is obsessed with her, he’s not going to let this stand.

We flashback to 16 months ago to a strip club in Wyoming called Harry’s Fun Room. C’mon, RINGER writers — even PARKS AND RECREATION can come up with better strip club names, and they’re literally jokes. You can do better than this.

Anyway, Victor is at the strip club, trying to convince a stripper named Shaylene to be his C.I. She reluctantly agrees, and he gives her his word that he will do everything he can to keep her safe, which of course means she will die.

And she does! After working alongside Bridget at a party Bodaway’s having, Shaylene goes missing. She turns up at the morgue, dismembered and four weeks pregnant. This is kind of sad because Victor was in love with her, and they were going to run away together.

So now we know why he’s obsessed with the case, but I honestly don’t care because Victor’s been kind of annoying this entire season. If we had been given this explanation in say, the first few episodes, I would feel differently and more sympathetic. Instead, it’s taken 16 episodes to get here. At least Nestor Carbonell is being given something somewhat meaningful to do, but it’s too little, too late.

Malcolm goes to Henry and suggests that he knows the truth about Martin & Charles. Malcolm adds that he thinks Andrew will do anything to keep his secret safe, including hurt “Siobhan,” so he’s hoping Henry can convince her to stay away from him.

Henry tells Siobhan about his meeting with Malcolm. Siobhan says that Malcolm is getting too close to the truth and can’t protect Bridget, so they need to get rid of him. She also says that Tyler has her flash drive, with a lot of important information about Martin & Charles on it, and is going to go to the authorities with it. She tells Henry that he has to get it back. I can’t tell if Henry is Siobhan’s lover or slave — it seems to be a toss-up at this point. He’s Tyler 2.0.

Henry isn’t the only one after Tyler, though. From a source at the SEC, Olivia finds out that Tyler is the mole. Andrew tells Olivia to make sure that Tyler doesn’t talk — no matter what it takes to make that happen. Olivia says she’ll arrange for Tyler to come to New York. Yeah, things aren’t looking so good for our doormat now.

Bridget overhears Andrew and Olivia’s conversation and begins to think Tyler knows about the Ponzi scheme, too. She finds out the name of the hotel where he’s staying, hoping to catch him and learn more about Martin & Charles’ seedy business transactions.

Before she goes to see him, though, she packs up some of her belongings to stay at a hotel for a few days. Andrew sees her before she leaves, telling her that if the Ponzi scheme gets out, Bridget will be in trouble, too, since she spent the company’s money. Um, am I missing something? Is Ruth Madoff in prison?

It turns out Tyler isn’t the only one in the company’s line of fire: Olivia finds out Malcolm hacked into Martin & Charles computer system and found the algorithm. Math and this show do not mix. She and Andrew suspect Malcolm found evidence of the Ponzi scheme and told Bridget. Andrew later discovers Bridget found out from his secretary where Tyler is staying, so now he has to stop her.

Are you still following me? I swear, RINGER is like a second-rate version of TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY.

All of these events culminate at Tyler’s hotel. Bridget goes to see him, and when she spots him in the lobby, Henry stops her before she can approach him. Meanwhile, Tyler goes outside to hail a cab, when Olivia comes rolling up in a limo and tells him to get in. She fires him and takes all of his evidence, except for the flash drive because she doesn’t notice it in Tyler’s bag.

Outside of the hotel, Bridget is waiting in a cab after following Tyler and Olivia in the limo. She sees Andrew going into the hotel and gets a voicemail from him, saying that he won’t let her destroy his life.

Tyler calls Siobhan once he’s back in his room. They figure out there must be a mole inside of the SEC who tipped off Olivia. Siobhan tells him to not let the flash drive out of his sight. He hangs up and puts the flash drive in his pocket, but someone comes into the room, prompting Tyler to ask, “What are you doing here?”

Bridget goes into the hotel and up to Tyler’s room, discovering that he’s been killed. She anonymously calls the police and leaves the hotel. Bridget also calls Malcolm, telling him that she now believes Andrew and Olivia are capable of murder. We then see Olivia creepily holding the flash drive in the limo, so yeah, I would say she definitely has something to do with it.

After receiving a call from Siobhan, pretending to be Bridget and telling him to leave her alone, Malcolm calls Victor and says he’ll press charges against Bodaway. Victor is thrilled and now has purpose in life! Hooray!

After Malcolm hangs up, he gets a knock on the door. It’s Andrew, who’s giving Malcolm a hilarious creepy murderer face. I like Ioan Gruffudd, but he needs to work on that.

Other observations:

• Andrew’s turn from being a wonderful person to possible evil murderer is so ridiculous. The show could have at least given us a hint of his malicious ways, aside from the hints he was running a Ponzi scheme. But to have someone be in the running for most perfect man alive (along with Ryan Gosling, of course) and then be a killer? I’m not buying it.
• Juliet and her mom were at Kenyon Ranch this week. I looked up this place, and it does look beautiful, but is that really the only place the writers could think to send them? A ranch? Have they met the characters they’ve been writing?
• This is far-fetched, but is it possible Henry killed Tyler? I’m guessing it wasn’t Olivia, since that would be too obvious for RINGER, so this is just a theory.
• Sarah Michelle Gellar as a stripper: No. Just no.
• Since I didn’t write last week, I didn’t get to mention how glad I am Jason Dohring is gone (at least for now). I still love him as much as ever, but he deserves more — much more — than this show.
• Wouldn’t Olivia make a great Queen from “Snow White”? Too bad they’ve already made the 100 movie adaptations that are coming out this year.
• Next week actually looks pretty interesting, but Ioan Gruffudd still needs to work on the evil face.

What did you think of this week’s RINGER? Am I being too hard on the show or not hard enough?