CHICAGO P.D. Post-Mortem: Marina Squerciati Breaks Down the ‘Devastating, Tragic’ ‘I Was Here’ Twist

[Warning: This post contains major spoilers for the Wednesday, February 5 episode of CHICAGO P.D.]

Desk duty for CHICAGO P.D.’s Burgess (Marina Squerciati) ended up being more dangerous than she could have ever anticipated.

On the Wednesday, February 5 hour, “I Was Here,” a suspicious 9-1-1 call led Burgess to worry there was more than meets the eye. And when the simple case turned into a complex sex-trafficking ring, it was all hands on deck.

Burgess mostly sat things out, but she was able to track down the suspect—and was violently attacked while trying to save a young victim. Though she was successful at saving the young woman who kickstarted the case, it came at a cost: she miscarried.

Here, Squerciati shares the process of filming the difficult episode, how Burgess will recover, what this means for Burzek, and more…

At what point did you find out this would be the the resolution to the pregnancy storyline?
I have to be honest with you, I cannot remember. I think I was so shocked. People have asked before, “Did you know in the beginning?” And I don’t think I did, but I think it was such a devastating, tragic episode for me and I had to access so many emotions, that I kind of blocked it out.

The final shot of Burgess in the hospital bed, seemingly in shock after the attack and learning about the miscarriage, was heartbreaking. What was the mindset you needed to get into to portray everything she was feeling in that moment?
I think it’s important when you are portraying that shock and grief that you don’t just play shock and grief; there’s so many things that go hand in hand with it: trying to reach out to someone, trying to make a connection, trying to get help, not being able to be mad at yourself, being mad at someone else. So just finding different layers in each scene [before that] allowed me to naturally come to the place, where in that scene, [she was] so spent with emotions that that’s the only thing that can come out.

It would make sense if Burgess spiraled after this loss. What can you preview about what comes next for her?
Well, Burgess needs to take some time off. This is not the kind of thing that you can just bounce back from. It’s rare that Burgess takes any time off and she’s just unable function right now. Voight really tries to bring her out of herself, but is unable to. He’s like a father figure to all of us, and he knows when to push us and when to leave us alone. And right now he knows he has to leave [her] alone.

Prior to the miscarriage, Burgess and Ruzek were talking about moving in together to raise the child. Given their history and this loss, where do they go from here?
How can they bloom after this? I don’t think it’s possible; I think it’s going to be rough going. They’re both feeling different emotions and neither one [is reaching out to the other], especially Kim. And love and a relationship can’t really grow in that environment. So I don’t think [it’ll be] good for a little bit. The soil is barren, to use a terrible expression.

Given the circumstances, are we seeing either of them feel any guilt for the loss, and if so, how is that being balanced with the devastation and grief they’re going through?
It’s not a balance, and that’s the problem. Each one of them is going to experience such different pains, and such different moments of healing in going through this process, that it’s going to be impossible for them to see eye-to-eye for a while. They just have to kind of go through it on their own until they’re through it.

How much are we seeing them go through it on-screen over the next few episodes?
I’d say a medium amount. The next couple episodes are not Burgess-focused, but they definitely haven’t forgotten where they are and our scenes are punctuated throughout.

Like you mentioned, the team really is like a family. Are we seeing any of the team members feel guilt for not being able to get to her sooner? How will they fit into her recovery process?
It’s really, really focused on Ruzek, Voight, and Platt’s characters circling the wagons for her. And the other characters, not so much. Not because they’re not there, but it’s more the amount of time we can take in the episodes and those are the three people that mean the most to her.

Is losing her child causing her to question her commitment to her job at all?
No, I think that it’s the opposite. I think that she recommits to the job, because what’s worse than being home alone with your emotions? Nothing. So just going to the job and being told what to do and fighting bad guys is all she wants to do right now…[just] not be alone with her thoughts.

I don’t know how much time has passed in what you’ve filmed so far, but are we seeing her mark what should have been milestones in the pregnancy? Will she get to grieve what would have been her due date, etc.?
I don’t know. I think that’s too far ahead, and it’s actually a lovely idea. I had never thought of that.

On a technical level, was there any kind of different approach to filming the fight sequence? Certainly Burgess has been in danger before, but this was a significant hand-to-hand fight while she was aware she was pregnant.
First of all, we did a rehearsal on a Saturday, which we never do; I rehearsed for a couple hours with the stunt team and the stunt coordinator, Tom Lowell. And that was rare.

And Gwen [Sigan]—who wrote this episode, she’s an amazing writer—really wanted to have it be visceral and violent in a way that we hadn’t explored before. That was really hard and interesting to unpack as a fight scene. But also we really wanted to make it clear that there was almost no way to survive—[with the] punches to the stomach, there was no way that this could have a happy ending.

Was there any particular research you did ahead of Burgess going through this loss?
Not this episode, no, because it ends where I would want to tell that story. I don’t know about research…I don’t think that anyone’s experience with miscarriage is the same. And everyone’s experience coming out of the grief of it, however long it lasts, isn’t the same either. And I just hope that if women are watching who have had a miscarriage, they continue to watch to see that Burgess ultimately is able to heal, because it is a really incredibly painful thing. And the important thing is to reach out in order to heal and she’s unable to do that at the beginning. But as soon as she starts reaching out, her healing process begins.

Despite all of the tragedy, is there anything light ahead for Burgess?
Burgess buys Ruzek hockey tickets!

Do we see them actually go to the game?
That’s all I’ll say. [Laughs.]