“The Sports Guy” Mailbag Makes Me Happy

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Few things make me more giddy than heading over to EPSN.com and finding out that The Sports Guy (Bill Simmons) has updated his infamous “mailbag”. The mailbag is just what it sounds like…Simmons answering questions sent in by his readers. But as you will see, the mailbag (and his ESPN columns) aren’t necessarily all about touchdowns and OBP. The Sports Guy loves TV and pop culture just as much as he loves sports (and his beloved Boston teams). Bill Simmons would be my #1 choice for a partner on The World Series of Pop Culture….without a doubt.

So since I am still pretty tired from my travels yesterday (and a wee bit hungover) I thought I would share some of the best from the latest Sports Guy mailbag. Click here to check out the full mailbag column.

Q: The other night I woke up in mid-laugh. I was dreaming of something so great that it needed to be shared with you. In my dream I was attending a “Saved By the Bell” fantasy camp where we (the campers) would act out our favorite episodes. We used the actual sets from the show. In my dream we were sitting at the far-right booth at The Max when I awoke in laughter. My friends and I came up with some other ideas for fantasy camps that we would attend, like MacGyver and AirWolf. What camp would you want to go to and why?
–Scott L., Tacoma, Wash.

SG: The best feature of a “Saved By The Bell” fantasy camp would be Dustin Diamond hardballing them for an appearance fee. Anyway, I’d want to go to the “Grey’s Anatomy” camp so I could grab my fake girlfriend, look into her eyes, take a dramatic pause, then belt out a line like, “I don’t love you for who you are. … I love you for who you’re not.” I’d want to go to “CSI: Miami” camp to play Caruso’s character in various scenes. (“We need … to find … the body … before … sunset. … “). I’d want to go to “90210” camp so I could get filmed doing the turnarounds in the opening credits. But most of all, I’d want to go to “The Bachelor” fantasy camp and just reenact rose ceremonies and bad dates. I think I’d pay $4,000 for this.

Q: After the “Entourage” episode when Vince had $300,000 riding on multiple blackjack hands and the chucklehead sitting to his left split his face cards, as it always does for Vince’s crew, things worked out and dealer busted, followed by Ari kissing the chucklehead on his bald dome. Shouldn’t there have been a Public Service Announcement at the end of the episode instructing amateurs not to split a 20. … Or at least have had Johnny Drama beat the pulp out of the dude in the final scene while screaming “Never split a 20!”?
–Ben, Charlotte, N.C.

SG: I like the idea of the public service announcement. It could have been like one of those ’80s sitcom moments — Vince and the gang staring seriously into the camera and saying, “Tonight’s episode was a dramatization. In real life, you should never split 10s when someone else has $300,000 riding on the table, unless you want to be beaten up, mutilated or murdered outside the casino later that same night. Please respect everyone else at your table. Thank you.”

Q: What do you think your daughter’s nickname is going to be on the 2023 edition of “Flavor of Love?”
–Matt D., New York

SG: Orphan.

Q: I am watching the “I Love the ’90s: 1991” show and they are on the “90210” segment. As the various commentators discuss their favorite parts of the show, the following quote is said. “I thought the hottest was Andrea. Behind those glasses, sex goddess.” Your commentator? Mr. Lance Bass!
–Red, New Jersey

SG: Get out of here! Come on, you’re making that up. There’s no way that happened. I need video proof. Somebody put this on YouTube please.

OK, this one isn’t all that funny, but since Bill Simmons does give a shout out to my hometown, I couldn’t pass it by.

Q: I am in a fantasy football league with nine guys. I won last year. That’s right … in a league with nine guys and one girl, the girl won. How ashamed should they be? Can they legitimately call themselves “guys” anymore? Do they need to wear an equivalent to the Christie jersey for our upcoming draft? Just curious.
–Erin B., Malden, Mass.

SG: Wait, I think they lost the ability to call themselves guys the moment they allowed a female in their football fantasy league. I can’t even fathom how this happened. Do they invite you to bachelor parties, too? And how did this happen in the Malden area, of all places? You made that e-mail up.