House Recap: Informed Consent

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Title: Informed Consent
Original Airdate: 9/19/06

To state the obvious, life is far from a cabaret for guest star Joel Grey on tonight’s episode of “House”. Though, I can’t say that I feel too poorly for his character, a doctor who once callously injected newborn babies with radiation in order to learn more about cancer – all without parental consent. And on top of that, he also callously injects cute, innocent white rats with cancer and then casually kills and dissects them. It’s during a routine performance of the later cruel deed that Dr. Baby-and-Animal-Killer (or BAK for short), suddenly chokes and passes out in his office.

Cut to the hospital, and entering stage left, a once-again cane wielding House presents Dr. BAK’s case to his minions, who are more concerned about the sudden return of the cane than anything else – especially Cameron. But as usual, House won’t acknowledge any inquiries about his own well being, and soon his minions are off performing tests on Dr. BAK. They try a stress test to determine whether the problem is in his heart or his lungs, but learn nada since the guy can barely walk anyway, let alone breathe. Only after House busts in and injects Dr. BAK with a special speed-up-your-heart-rate serum that they learn the problem is in his lungs. Great.

Unfortunately, Dr. BAK could care less, as he would just rather they give him a lethal injection and end his suffering, as he is convinced that he is terminal. Boy, you checked into the wrong hospital for that buddy, because there is no way that House is going to give up that easily. Don’t you watch this show? Well, apparently not, as Dr. BAK starts threatening House, saying that he will press assault charges if they don’t release him from the hospital and let him die. Using his mysteriously effective negotiation powers, House convinces Dr. BAK to give them 24 hours to figure out what’s wrong with him. “C’mon, it’s not gonna kill you,” he argues flippantly. He sure is a snarky charmer, that House.

Speaking of, House’s charm is working its magic on more than just his patients and Perpetually Conflicted Cameron this week. While doing a routine check-up on a man, House unwittingly charms the mini-skirt off the man’s hot blonde teenage daughter, who immediately proceeds to make it blatantly obvious to House that she has major hots for him. She starts leaving “personal” messages on his voicemail. He eventually tries to rebuff her, saying maybe he’ll call her in a few years. She assures him that he only has 6 months to wait until she turns 18, and then sexily walks away – her bright red thong clearly visible. And while a flattered and suddenly lecherous House is admiring said thong, he actually figures out Dr. BAK’s mysterious illness. But I am getting ahead of myself…

First, after an exhausting 24 hours of tests and research, House’s minions had not come up with anything conclusive for Dr. BAK – who then promptly insists that they either kill or release him. But of course, he would prefer killing, as his death would be slow and very painful otherwise. Well, at least he gave his rats a quick lethal injection, so I guess he would deserve to go like that. House apparently agrees, and agrees to give him a lethal dose of morphine – only to revive him moments later into a coma state. Killing someone is worse than lying, House tells an angry Chase, who feels that he betrayed the old man. Sorry Chase, though you be a pretty boy with a cute Aussie accent, you’re usually wrong.

Unfortunately, further tests prove inconclusive, and after analyzing samples, Wilson (who is suddenly on friendly terms with House again) assures him it’s not cancer. But the team isn’t able to keep Dr. BAK in a coma state for too long as House soon figures out the man’s reflexes/nervous system have been damaged, and they can only find out how by bringing him out of the coma. And boy is Dr. BAK angry! That is, until House figures out what his illness is after ogling slutty-jailbait girl’s thong: apparently the man has disease nicknamed “Conga Red”, which affects his brain, lungs, and kidneys, and which is of the terminal variety. Saddened, House finally leaves the man to die.

But Cameron, who has been conflicted for the whole episode on whether or not a mercy killing is ethical, ultimately decides that she can’t bear to let him suffer. The next day, a slightly suspicious Cuddy informs House that Dr. BAK had suddenly died at 2:30am that morning. But being an apparent supporter of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, she lets the matter go. House quickly figures out what happened, and later finds a tearful Cameron in the chapel. He lays a warm, reassuring hand on her shoulder and says that he’s proud of her. Poor Cameron. Apparently, the only way she can get warmth and affection from the boss she secretly loves is by mercy killing terminal patients. Unlike slutty-jailbait girl, who apparently flashes House her goodies in next week’s episode. I’m telling you, House should really take a page from a Season 2 guest star and change his name to LL Cool H: Ladies Love Cool House.