Prison Break Recap” John Doe”

I have to admit, I was a little bummed when I read the Entertainment Weekly write-up of “Prison Break” this past week. Bummed because the magazine said that this season is not as tense or as good as last season, what with our boys on the run and not confined behind the walls of Fox River, and I agree with that assessment. But then Saturday night (don’t judge me) I watched that half-hour “’Prison Break’ up to this point” special that was on, and Sarah Wayne Callies, who plays Sara, said that everything we’ve been wanting to see and waiting to see will happen in the second half of season two. So you know, ladies and gentlemen, that can only really mean one thing: MICHAEL AND SARA WILL EVENTUALLY GET NAKED TOGETHER BEFORE THE MAY FINALE. I can’t guarantee this, obviously, but that’s what I’m interpreting her comment to mean, and it gives me a renewed interest in the show.

[cue deep and sexy Wentworth Miller voice] “Previously, on ‘Prison Break’”: Kellerman just shot Mahone, and Michael and Linc (who had just escaped from police custody for at least the third time since the beginning of the first season) decided to join forces with him in order to expose the President and, in the words of Kellerman, “take that bitch down.” C-Note’s wife was in jail after trying to get a prescription filled for her daughter and being caught by police. T-Bag had tracked down Susan Hollander, the woman who originally turned him in to police, and was on her front doorstep, as promised. Bellick was back at Fox River, this time as a prisoner, after inexplicably taking a plea bargain regarding Roy’s murder.

As we see the boys again, Linc and Michael are on the run with Kellerman, whose SUV is stopped at a road blockade as the police search for the Houdini convicts, who have escaped again from armed police custody (Implausibility Quotient: 10. Please don’t get me started). Kellerman talks his way through the roadblock [interjection: I saw Kellerman again in a “Scrubs” repeat the other day, and he played a sensitive guy, or a “sensie.” It made me love this pretend-gay, murdering psychopath even more]. When Michael asks why they should trust him, Kellerman responds with one of several wonderful quotes from this episode: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” (and in a twisted way, this is true: they all want to expose the President, though for different reasons). Suddenly, Linc remembers that Kellerman was the guy who wanted to kill him during another one of his previous escape attempts, and came dangerously close to doing so. He pulls a gun, but Kellerman promises that he knows where Terrence Steadman his hiding; in fact, Kellerman cops to being the one who set up Steadman’s “murder,” for which Linc was framed. Since they all need to find Steadman (even for different reasons), Linc backs down, and the happy trio continues down the yellow brick road.

Back at Fox River, Bellick is heckled by other inmates; one promises protection if Bellick will bring him dessert every day. Sweet. But later, when Bellick delivers on his side of the deal, the inmate demands MORE deserts…and they don’t have to be brownies and cookies, if you know what I mean (wink, wink…this is a prison, people. Work with me. I hardly ever make prison jokes). Bellick grows a pair (in prison, unfortunately) and hits the guy with a sock packed with God knows what. Problem taken care of – for now. Later in the episode, Bellick demands – and gets – the top bunk from Avocado, who is apparently now a little afraid of the New Bellick. But wait! Bellick pissed off the wrong guy. Turns out the inmate he bludgeoned with the sock is friends with many of the night guards – guards who are working the night shift because Bellick assigned them that shift when he was still a guard. You do the math there. I half expect Jason Lee to emerge from a cell saying, “It’s karma. Do good things and good things happen.” But he doesn’t, and besides, Bellick has no good karma coming to him, so last time we see him in this episode, he is being taunted by the other inmates in the dark of the prison night while he stands safely in his own cell…until his cell door opens. And Bellick starts crying a little. I am, to be honest, a little tired of the men on this show crying. I mean, it’s a show about prison. A little (a lot) of discomfort should be expected from these circumstances. Suck it up.

Meanwhile, T-Bag is standing on the front stoop of an understandably sickened-looking Susan Hollander, who turned him in and started his stint at Fox River. Methinks T-Bag is carrying a little grudge here. He tells her that the last time he saw her, she “spat” (I’m impressed that T-Bag knows how to conjugate verbs) at him like a caged animal, and he liked it, because it must mean that she has some feelings left for him (this kind of sounds like the whole “you can’t hate someone unless you love him” argument, which I have never bought…but I digress). He strong-arms (ha!) his way inside her house, and she tells him that her kids don’t know anything about his history; she told them he went away, and that’s all.

Mr. Kim wants visual confirmation from Kellerman that Linc and Michael are really dead, and he doesn’t mean photographic evidence. He really wants to see their bodies. Kellerman tells him that he’s going to bury the brothers, and, oh yeah, Mahone was shot by Lincoln, too. But guess what? Mahone is alive! He talks to Kim from his hospital bed and tells Kim that Kellerman, not Lincoln, is the one who shot him. Kim looks concerned. He should be. He’s in SO much deeper than I bet he ever thought he would be. And yet I don’t feel for him at all. Mahone tells Kim’s goon, who is with him at the hospital, that he’s done, finished working this game, and that he’ll tell people himself that he murdered Oscar Shales and buried him in his backyard. I’ve left crappy restaurant jobs with more fanfare than this; Mahone is trying to leave his position as paid assassin for the government, so I’m not buying that he can walk away from his gig so easily. Turns out I’m right, since later in the episode we receive word that Mahone’s son’s leg had been badly broken as the result of a “hit and run” accident. Mahone leaves the hospital, knowing that it was no accident. He’s stuck for now.

In what has to be the least-compelling storyline this season, we see C-Note in Nebraska with his daughter. She wants to talk to her mom, who is being held after her capture at the pharmacy. C-Note checks in on her by phone and tells his connection to tell his wife to lay all the blame on him and let him take the fall. That’s big of him, considering he’s completely responsible for her current situation. She is, however, denied bail, and has a message relayed that she wants C-Note to continue to run with their daughter so that DeDe isn’t put into foster care. We know that Michael was in foster care, so we know what that means on this show. I’m guessing that C-Note will continue to run.

Back to Michael and Lincoln…they’re on a plane with Kellerman, Linc looking antsy and suspicious the entire time. Turns out they’re flying to see Steadman, who is still at that weird safe house mansion in Montana. Kim calls the house to tell Steadman’s guards to get him ready to go, that he has to leave and that a car is on its way to pick him up. But a car is already there, and it’s not Kim’s men, but KELLERMAN. He’s come to get Steadman himself. “You look pretty good for a dead man,” Lincoln tells him. After a brief standoff (IQ: 8. All of those agents vs. three guys on the run with guns? And the agents are out-gunned?), Lincoln, Michael and Kellerman escape with Steadman. Kim looks even more worried now. Poor guy. Not really.

Back at Casa del Creepy, T-Bag is watching cartoons with Susan and her kids while they eat popcorn and exchange puns like “amaized” and “cornfused” (I have always loved corny jokes, so I’m OK with this). Susan tries to find multiple excuses to leave the room so she can go grab a gun in the desk, but T-Bag won’t let her. When she finally gets up, T-Bag follows her and they argue; her son finally picks up on what’s going on and hits T-Bag over the head, but T-Bag recovers and ends up holding them all at gunpoint. He boards up the windows and compares himself to Jesus, the Carpenter (yes, you read correctly). “We will be a family if it kills us.” I heard that on “Leave it to Beaver” one time, and it doesn’t sound creepy at all to me.

Mahone calls Kim to tell him he’s back on the job…right before we pan to a shot of Kim’s goon agent in the trunk of Mahone’s car, bullet in his head. I wonder where he’ll bury this one? Surely his back yard is getting full, and there must be town ordinances to be followed regarding how many dead bodies one person can have buried under a birdbath. And this won’t help Mahone’s illegal drug habit at all, either. Quit while you’re ahead, Mahone! That safe house mansion is free now! Go get your son and your ex-wife, whom you still love, and set up camp there.

In a cheesy motel room (they seem in abundant supply all across the country), Michael and company try to brainstorm ways that they can actually prove that Terrance Steadman is Terrence Steadman. He’s had plastic surgery, his fingerprints have been burned off, and his DNA has been basically given to a homeless man who just happened to die when Terrence disappeared, so how can they prove to others that the man they have is really Terrence Steadman? Terrence was “murdered” after it was discovered that he was funneling taxpayer money into his sham of a business, and when the indictment was about to come down, he went to Kellerman and company for help. Bad move. Linc gets fed up with this situation and just gets pissed when he finds out that Terrence stood by and watched as Veronica was killed. He pulls a gun, again, but again, he’s talked down by Michael. Michael has also had enough; he calls channel 11 news and tells them they’re all in room 11 (significance of the number 11? I don’t know). He’s ready to surrender. Kellerman pulls a gun to get him to stop, but Michael continues to talk, and Mahone doesn’t shoot. But Terrence Steadman gets a gun (guns, guns everywhere) and threatens everyone. Michael (who else?) talks him down and convinces him to surrender…right before Steadman puts a bullet in his own head. As the cops close in on the room, Michael looks weepy.

Suck it up, dude. I don’t think you’re in the clear yet. You haven’t even seen Sara, and we’re all waiting.

Michelle is the frazzled mother of two very young kids. In lieu of taking a shower every day, she writes TV recaps for GMMR to keep the remaining shred of her sanity intact. This also helps her justify her insanely intense TV-watching habit, which was spawned in her early childhood because she was allowed to watch an unlimited number of”Sesame Street” episodes when she herself was a preschooler.