The Bachelor Recap

Here’s the scene: Me, sitting on my couch, fighting to keep my eyes open. I TiVo through to the end of Dancing with the Stars (I only care about Ian and Joey…and of course to see if Heather Mills leg comes flying off) when it hits me that The Bachelor is on. Damn, why did I tell people I was going to be watching this show? Had I not, I could actually go to bed right now. Promises, promises. Fast forward to 20 minutes later and I grinning from ear to ear and clapping over the show…yes, The Bachelor, and yes it’s that good. ESPN columnist Bill Simmons has an unintentional comedy scale and if The Bachelor isn’t right up there at the top, I just don’t know what to tell you. This show is comedy gold.

Last time on the season premiere of The Bachelor, we met Andy Baldwin who is not only a handsome Navy Doctor, but a respected humanitarian and triathlete (who just can’t seem to find a girl…right). We also met the bevy of beauties all vying to get their MRS degree from Bachelor U. The lucky few who were offered a rose are back to try to win the heart of Andy.

Tonight’s episode lets us in on Andy’s first three dates. He had two group dates and a one-on-one date with Stephanie who received the first date since she got the ‘first impression’ rose on the first night. Andy’s pretty excited to commence with ‘Operation: Soulmate’ – his words, clearly not mine.

On the first group date, Andy and the girls cruise the Sunset Strip in a limo for a while before ending up at the Saddle Ranch Chop House. Oh yes, the ladies are doing some bull riding. The Saddle Ranch was right next to the hotel I stayed at during my last trip to LA. Had I known there was a mechanical bull inside I might not have been so bored.

One by one the girls take turns on the mechanical bull that threw them around and vibrated so much that it was almost obscene. Andy didn’t mind. Nope, he was like a kid in a candy store, or perhaps like a John a the Bunny Ranch – same thing.Andy certainly didn’t mind watching Stephanie from Kansas – a gymnast who managed to ride the bull to the end without falling off. Andy immediately considers her a candidate for some special one-on-one time at the end of the date. Remind me again about how he’s an Officer and a GENTLEMAN!!

After the bull riding is done, Andy takes the girls to a hotel and leads them to a room full of evening gowns for which the ladies to wear for the second half of their date. After they get dolled up, they meet Andy on the roof of the hotel for dinner while “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong” (the theme from ‘An Officer & a Gentleman) plays in the back. No, I’m not kidding you. My first laugh out loud moment came courtesy of Amanda who while looking off into the sky from the hotel roof said: “I think something magical could happen and possible I could fall in love.” Ha ha! Classic!

The girls all try to get some alone time with Andy, who finally seems to be enjoying himself. I love when Andy is alone with a girl because all the other girls gather together and stare and talk shit about them. What this show is doing for women’s lib, I tell ya!! It’s during one of these private moments where one of the girls asks Andy a question which garners another LOL moment from your truly. “Andy, what do you value most?” His response: “Well, family, life and living each day to the fullest.” Not to go all 80’s on you but ‘gag me with a spoon’!! I swear if he said ‘world peace’ I would have completely lost it.

After getting his flirt on with a few of the ladies Andy decides that Tiffany from Boston wins the special one-on-one time. The other girls seethe with jealousy as Andy and Tiff head off into the limo for a mountain top chat. Unfortunately for Andy, Tiffany sucks (but not in the good way) and he is stuck trying to pry a conversation out of her. It was awkward as all hell, and Miss Thing just blew her chance of getting a rose.

The next night, the second group of girls go on their group date with Andy in Santa Monica. I personally thought that this was the reject group (sorry but the first group of girls were much prettier). While the first group got to do some bull riding and were wined and dined, the second group of girls were offered mimosas and then forced to participate in a mini triathalon – oh how fun!! Get drunk in the hot sun and then participate in outdoor activities. You lost me after ‘get drunk in the sun’. Susan and Erin aren’t about to get their fake blond extensions wet so they hold hands and walk the length of the pool, all the while reinforcing dumb blond stereotypes on national television. They were a joke and I wanted to hold them under water for just a little bit.

Amber was the winner of the triathalon with the first place prize being some alone time with Andy. The two headed down to the beach to play on the swings and in the sand. My first thought was ‘ew’ that part of Santa Monica beach where the swings and gymnastic rings are is so nasty…there’s usually trash over there and I swear I saw a needle or two. But Andy didn’t notice any of that as he was solely focused on Amber. And I must say, that of all the ladies we’ve met thus far, I think Amber is my early favorite. She seems normal (well as normal as you can be for trying to find a husband on national television), but I really liked her. And of course, as all this is going on, the other vultures are blatantly staring at them trying to figure out if there is any smoochage happening. There wasn’t 🙁

Andy’s final date is with the annoying Stephanie. Stephanie who insisted on telling everyone that she got the first impression rose and the first date. Ugh, I wanted to beat her, but it wasn’t necessary as it seems the owner of the Ugly Stick Factory got to her first. All the girls in the house hate her, and if you weren’t sure ‘The Bachelor’ voice overs told us at every commercial break (‘Meanwhile back at the house, all the girls hate Stephanie’).

For her date, Stephanie chose the less slutty of two slutty dresses and joined Andy on his yacht. Yeah right, nice try but no one actually believes this is Andy’s yacht. Oh and that Lamborghini he’s driving, the one that looks like Marty McFly’s car – yeah not his either. Anyway, their date goes well I suppose, but I hate her so I really wasn’t paying attention. Of course she got a rose from Andy (if she didn’t get one at the end of their date she would have had to go home right away). They shared a small kiss when she accepted the rose, but she later told the girls that it was just on the cheek. Hmmm.

It’s finally elimination night, so the girls have one last chance to win Andy over before he hands out the roses. National Anthem Tina played the sympathy card by telling Andy that she knew she wasn’t getting a rose because her ambition turns off men and she’s not as pretty as the other girls. It worked because she was the recipient of the pity rose…way to go Tina. First Impression Rose Stephanie continued to be a bitch while trying to humiliate Alexis for being a virgin. Alexis kept her head high and didn’t give in. But maybe not giving in was what sent her packing tonight. Tessa and Andy exchanged foot massages and we later found Tessa in tears, upset because she doesn’t want to share Andy with the other girls. Um, has she ever watched this show? I kind of liked Tessa so it was sad to know she’s a bit off her rocker.

Chris Harrison enters the room, so we know it’s time for…the most dramatic rose ceremony…EVER!

One by one the roses are handed out. The lucky ladies staying are: Tessa, Danielle, Tina, Bevin, Amber, Peyton, Amanda, Stephanie, Kate, Nicole and Erin. I was a little shocked by Erin – she was one of the airhead bimbos that didn’t want to get her hair wet. Well, it just shows that Andy’s a guy and he likes blonds with big boobs. Can’t blame him, right?

The drama continues next week and someone goes to the hospital. Let’s hope it was because there was a huge catfight over Andy!! This show is fantastic and I can’t wait for next week!!!

I’m going with Amber, Danielle, Bevin and Stephanie for the final four. Yeah, I put Stephanie in there but only because I think Andy realizes he’s easy, and he can get some play from her if he keeps her around.

Did you watch it? Your take on the final four girls? Come on, PLEASE tell me you hated Stephanie as much as I did.