AGE OF LOVE Recap: T&A vs. PTA Group Dates

SB (and Billy) are back with another hilarious recap of AGE OF LOVE. I hope some of you decided to check out the show last night so you can see the genius that I’ve been hinting at since its premiere.  So fantastic!!

Episode: Three
Original Air Date: 7/2/07
Recapper: SB

So I have a confession. I missed the first eight minutes tonight. I went to this little Mexican restaurant with some friends where the waiter would not bring our check and then pick up our check and bring our change unless Billy made googly eyes at him every single time. What can you do? Mexican food is so delicious.

So when I wandered into the train wreck, Amanda and The Crypt Keeper were on some kind of weird date (dates?) with Mark that had a timer running in the corner of the screen and he kept racing back and forth between their tables in a restaurant (not Mexican, though, unfortunately for them) like he was in an episode of Friends or something. I really could not figure out at first if the women knew about each other, but eventually it somehow became apparent that they did. Crypt Keeper was saying something about wanting to have extra dessert with Mark. Extra? Maybe I can get my hands on one of those. No time for fried ice cream tonight. Meanwhile, she was looking VERY Botoxed and stretched tight in all directions and saying how she wanted kids. You remember hearing about Chinese footbinding, right? Where they deformed their feet so they’d be small and eventually kids started being born with small feet? The Crypt Keeper’s kids are going to come out with veneers and eyebrows halfway to their hairline.

Anyway, Mark is sitting with The Crypt Keeper when the timer goes off, which probably has some significance but I have NO idea what it was. He told her he was going to have dessert with her after he walked Amanda to the limo. So did The Crypt Keeper get dessert because he picked her or because she had him when the timer went off? [GMMR: Yup, whomever he was eating with when the time went off was the women who got some extra time with him. Mark wanted to spend the time with Amanda but The Crypt Keeper kept on talking and talking so he couldn’t get away.] So anyway, he walks Amanda back to the limo, where I wonder briefly if she’s getting kicked off The Bachelor-style, and lays one on her, and then talking heads that he wants to “kiss her MORE!”

Meanwhile, the Cougars and the Kittens are supposed to be planning group dates with Mark for the other group. Billy suggested calling them T&A vs. the PTA, so that is what we’ll do for this recap. I like to switch it up, you know, keep it real! Anyway, the T&A continue to annoy me with their unoriginal humor and try to think of synonyms for old. But don’t worry, hell hasn’t frozen over, and they totally do NOT know the word “synonym”.
The PTA manages to really crack me up by trying to think of embarrassing dates for the T&A when someone suggests bowling and another one asks, “Are we sure that we really want them bending over in front of Mark?” and then they giggle and the dam breaks and my mind is flooded with filth, all involving the T&A bending over in front of Mark. Just saying.

So their big idea turns out to be sending the T&A to an indoor playground with a birthday party full of kids. Which I understand is kind of (emphasis on “kind of”) a funny dig at the 20s, but which is really terrible and damaging for the kids, who undoubtedly learned all sorts of terrible lessons about dressing like sluts, developing eating disorders, acting stupid, and generally having no shame. Of course, not that anyone associated with this show would ever consider this.

So Adelaide is running around, having fun, and playing with the kids. She’s the only one who doesn’t seem to think she’s too good for this, and I am actually sort of liking her this episode. And speaking of liking things in this episode, Mary was trying to talk to Mark about her sister’s kids and just when I think I am going to fall asleep, he wanders away from her without a single word. Hee! Mark, you have won my heart. I am starting to really develop feelings for you. I feel a connection. I am so excited to take this journey with you. Blah blah. Anyway, they are getting ready to leave and I notice that Tessa is wearing a cross. GOD. Pun intended. Is that a pun? I didn’t mean it as actual God but as like an expression of disgust, but it also means a deity. I think it counts as a pun. And I intend it. So yeah, I guess she had to leave it on to disguise the cross-shaped burn mark left on her skin underneath it. Adelaide gets chosen to ride in the limo with Mark back to the apartments, and they kiss. She never tells anyone about this, but Amanda is still jealous. About a car ride. Can you imagine what she would do if he took the bus? Fatal Attraction much?

Mary and someone (who is inconsequential to this tale and also that I can’t remember) are standing in front of the mirror getting ready and talking, once again, about how the PTA is no competition and how Mark will definitely pick a T&A. And then Mary, yet again without a hint of irony, says, “There’s too much natural beauty here!” as she slathers make up on her “naturally” “beautiful” face. I love/hate Mary!

And then we go on the PTA date. They show up at the pool and the idea, I suppose (because someone voice-over told me), was to get the PTA in swimsuits, because since they’re old, they must have cellulite and stretch marks and stuff. And obviously these girls have not seen the PTA in bikinis, because they are smoking. Put me in a bikini? Not even remotely as hot. In fact, not even in the same adjective family as hot. And these women have at least 15 years on me. They are foxes. Anyway, the little joke is that they might like to hang out with people closer to their own age, and then the elderly water aerobics class comes out. And the T&A have been way too self-involved to realize that they just totally screwed themselves, because not only is the PTA HOT, but they are also fun and, as Mark said, would be impossible to plan a bad date for since they have so much fun doing everything. So now, not only are they all sparkling with personality and cute in their flowery swim caps, but they are also half naked and chicken fighting with each other (lesbian fantasies abound—not from me, from Mark. I’m guessing.) and all simultaneously straddling him in what can only be described as a non-nude water orgy. Well, at least the part we saw was non-nude.

Maria gets the limo ride and goes back to Mark’s apartment, where he is giving her The No Vibe the entire time. Maria, with the self-awareness I have come to love from the PTA, points out his closed body language and the kiss on the cheek and said it’s obvious that he’s not feeling it, and she doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time, especially her own. So she tells us and everyone else, over and over, that she is going home, that she’s not feeling it and that even if he asks her to stay, she’s leaving and she’s had enough. Which, I don’t think will ruin the “surprise” for you too much if I say, is total bullshit.

Okay. I really try to speed up these eliminations because they’re so boring, so I will just say that this is the first time that I noticed that Tessa has extensions. Very, very, VERY bad extensions. Reminds me of Clueless when Dionne yells at Murray that she does not wear K-Mart hair. Adelaide is eliminated, to which Billy quips that he guesses Mark won’t be getting Ade-laid, and Mark blames it on the kiss. Which, damn. Must have been pretty bad. She doesn’t strike me as a lizard kisser, and I didn’t notice excessive slobber, so I am going to go with dead fish. Adelaide talking heads that the kiss did lack any chemistry and that she felt bad for lying to herself about what kind of connection she and Mark had. And I liked her a lot in that little moment, that she took responsibility for herself and didn’t try to blame it on him or deny any of it, and now I hope she finds a guy with a personality. No, not even just a personality—a good one.

Mark asks Maria to stay and to the shock of no one, she totally backtracks, doesn’t even make him beg that hard, and says she will. Lame. My respect for Maria would be through the roof if she would have stuck to her guns and ditched this boring loser, but now I think they deserve each other. Maria tells us in a talking head how crazy she is, and I am reminded of her irritating, catty, desperate debut and I am back to hating her. Not that I ever liked her, mind you, but I was at least able to ignore her for an episode. Mark tells Jayanna that she makes him feel like a little kid and I am beyond grossed out at that, and just when I think I can’t get any more grossed out, I find myself picturing her feeding him like a baby. And not from a bottle. You know what I’m saying. And I get that acidic puke taste in the back of my throat. Which is a taste I’m pretty sure Tessa is used to, except mine doesn’t come with a side of my own finger pressing on my uvula.

The final elimination comes down to Lynn and The Crypt Keeper, and sorry Lynn! Mark’s into dudes and you’re going home. And then Lynn gives a horrifying talking head about how her mom or grandma or someone told her that they pray every night to live long enough to see her get married, and then she cries and says she hopes they get their dream, and wow. It is … so … just … sad. It’s sad. That’s really the best and only word for it.

Mark Consuelos finishes the episode for us by announcing to the T&A and the PTA that they’ll be living together on the 40th floor. There is a whole talking head from Jayanna about how it’s their house so it’s not going to be some sorority house, and how they BETTER be respectful, and she throws in a few f-bombs and the token “bitch” so she’ll sound cool, but really what she’s saying is, “You kids stay off my lawn!”

SB has many interests, including photography, her pets, entertainment, traveling and writing. She does have a day job, but that mostly amounts to her being a sarcastic young woman with a lot of time on her hands, which is why she appreciates the opportunity to recap.

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