Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #10):In Heaven, It’s Plinko 24-7

Whether we like it or not, they’re singing in Laughlin, while the erstwhile citizens of Sunnydale and their devoted fans have effectively been silenced. If and when the writer’s strike happens at the end of the month, all TV may well be on its way to a temporary silence of its own. But until that happens, I’m going to watch, drink, gossip and be merry to bring you this week’s Cocktail Party Primer.

• Last night I had the most terrible nightmare. I dreamed that Melanie Griffith was slithering around the room, flapping her horrifying trout lips and singing Blondie’s “One Way or Another.” Oh, no, wait. That really happened on Viva Laughlin. It’s a shame, really, that the show is so distressing. I adore musicals, camp, the BBC, and the very idea of Hugh Jackman in a shiny silver suit, yet this remake of the well-liked British musical mystery leaves much to be desired. Who would have thought that combining Cop Rock, CSI, and High School Musical would end up too ridiculous to take seriously, too boring to bother singing along to, and so awkward it nearly steals the Most Squirm Inducing New Show title from Cavemen.

• And speaking of singing along, Fox has given the axe to a touring Buffy the Vampire Slayer sing-a-long of “Once More With Feeling” in the vein of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Although the expense of residual payments was though to be the cause, in a statement released today, a exec said, “In the years since the cancellation of Firefly, we at Fox have come to realize that we are capable of neither joy nor erections if we do not crap on the Whedon faithful on a regular basis. This particular crapping been so much fun, we’re thinking of giving Joss a new show next fall, just so we can delight in your crushed looks of disappointment when we cancel it.”

• The beloved stick-microphone was reborn this week when Drew Carey officially took up the reins as host of The Price is Right. Sure, Drew was wider and less tan than we’re used to, and maybe we weren’t reminded to spay and neuter our pets. But darn it, the sets were day-glo, the big wheel made its familiar bloop-bloop sound, and the Showcase Showdown was filled with fantastic prizes. Because this is America, darn it, and if there’s anything we believe in it’s loud colors, deluxe appliances, and our right to guess the price of things and, God willing, do so without going over.

• The Daily Show is putting 13,000 videos online that comprise its entire run since 1999. Viacom, which owns Comedy Central, is currently pursuing a $1 billion lawsuit against YouTube for posting clips of The Daily Show and various other Viacom-owned shows. They’re currently experimenting with different ways to incorporate copious amounts of advertising into the clips as a way of funding the venture, presumably in case that lawsuit doesn’t pan out. The show will now be called Pepsodent Presents: The Texaco Daily Show featuring John Stewart sponsored by Winston Cigarettes.

• Like some kind of train wreck proceeding at molasses speed, the writer’s strike that has been looming for months could actually happen as soon as the end of this month. The last time this happened almost two decades ago, the news magazine stepped up to fill the void left by the inadequate quantity of MacGyver episodes. This time, it’s unlikely we’ll be so lucky. Expect the networks to serve up steaming piles of new, low quality reality TV. So when you’re suffering through a thrilling edition of America’s Next Top Singing Podiatrist or Jamie Kennedy’s Celebrity Has-Been Nut Smash, remember this: at least the whole business put an end to Viva Laughlin.

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.