The Bachelor: An Officer & a Gentleman

10:15 P.M. EST

I’m trying, I really am but I’ve just watched “The Bachelor”, Andy Baldwin, meet his 25 perspective wives and it’s so cringeworthy I feel naseuous. They all just exited their limos and greeted Andy and it felt so forced and awkward. First of all, who are these 22 year old women who need to find a husband so desperately. You are 22!! Andy is 30, a celebrated Navy officer, a triathalete and an accomplished Doctor, and we are supposed to think he’d be well suited with a college student? I just don’t buy it. And the women?! I have to wonder if they got a group rate on the bleached blond hair, the fake tans and the boobs. Call me jealous but out of these 25 “beauties” only a handful looked normal. Yes, I’m being catty but come on, we are talking about The Bachelor, I think it’s ok.

That being said, I may have to watch The Bachelor every week – if only to laugh. Maybe we can make a fun game of it. Of course we can try to guess who’s going to get a rose, but I say we vote each week for the craziest bitch who will most likely end up alone with cats because she embarrassed herself so much on this show that no man will ever have her!! You in??

I’m going to be back later with my more random thoughts on The Bachelor. But first I need to pause it and go watch some Black Donnellys. It’s not saying much where a dark mob drama is more satisfying to the senses than a dating reality show.

11:55 P.M. EST

It’s almost an hour later and I just finished watching the premiere episode of The Bachelor. I wish you all could see the tears streaming down my face right now. This show is frakking hysterical!! This could be my new favorite show. I’m not going to recap the episode but I thought I should share the highlights if only to inspire you to watch with me next week.

First up…The Psycho: Lindsay! Oh there are a quite a few nut jobs in this group so choosing just one might be a little difficult, but I’m going to go with Lindsay. Lindsay, 22, not only got drunk and picked a fight with one of the other girls but also stormed out in a profanity laced tirade after she wasn’t given a rose. Way to look like an asshat on camera sweetheart. Her parents must be proud.

Psycho runner-up: Stephanie. Stephanie got the “first impression rose” tonight and seemed overly impressed with herself. She annoyed me with her creepy smile from the get go, but nothing was better then when she revealed “I’m going to get rose after rose after rose until there is a ring on my finger.” Ah, she is also the romantic of the group.

Most Embarra”sing”: Tina. I understand that the girls are trying to make an impression on Andy given the short amount of time that they have, but does that mean Tina has to sing a National Anthem for him? She doesn’t even have a good voice. Andy being the gentleman (and an officer…did they mention that tonight) tried to tell us that his love of country is what caused the tears to well in his eyes. Yeah right, it was SO easy to tell he was laughing AT her. Great moment!

No You Didn’t Just Go There: Danielle. Upon first impression I really liked this girl, and then she opened her mouth. Knowing that Andy is a humanitarian and philanthropist, Danielle decides she has the perfect way to get Andy’s attention – play the dead boyfriend card. Yup, she casually works into the conversation that her last boyfriend died and she set up a memorial fund in his name…you know, so his legacy can live on…blah blah blah. Really when you have to play up the dead boyfriend in order to get a rose from a stranger I think there is something seriously wrong with you.

The Drunkards: A few years back it was decided that the meet and greet night could also double as an episode of The Real World. Hold back food and pour champagne down the throats of these skinny broads and just watch them go. The aforementioned cat fight happened when Lindsay started laughing at Blakeney who was so drunk she fell right off her bar stool and flat on her back. Then there was Nicole and Tiffany who decided to bake Andy a birthday cake. Nice thought, but when they realized they didn’t have eggs they opted for the only suitable substitute available – TEQUILA!! Straight out of Rachel Ray’s cookbook I guess. And if that weren’t enough they smeared on the icing with their fingers before attempting to serve it to others. Thank god those broads don’t eat, because that could have been nasty.

No Rose…woo hoo! There were a few girls that I was so excited didn’t get a rose. Lindsay (of course), Blakeney (the drunkard), and the googly eyed girl. Sorry I’m blanking on her name but if you saw the show you know who I’m talking about. I was begging for her to blink, but I don’t think she can. She was jacked and could probably have beaten a rose out of Andy, but he had the good sense to let her go before she had a shot. You’ve all seen me and I’m no prize, but this girl’s eyes are going to haunt my dreams tonight.

The Frontrunners: Ah the good stuff. Here are the girls who I think made the best first impression tonight (on me and on Andy).

Bevin: I think Bevin caught Andy’s eye the minute she walked out of the limo. She’s hot and seems relatively normal. The bonded over her scars and he rubbed her legs – naughty.

Tiffany (from Massachusetts): She was one of the drunk chefs but I don’t think Andy picked up on it. They kind of had a vibe going.

Tessa: I think Tessa was the girl that greeted Andy with a horrible, just horrible joke about muffins (don’t ask). She played the “my parents divorced love but my mom found love again while hiking the Inca trails” card, but come on…who hasn’t heard that one before.

I also liked Alexis (mostly because she looks like my cousin Keriann), but I don’t think she’s going to go far since they didn’t give her any airtime tonight.

Ladies Choice…
Click here to get all the dirt on Andy and the his potential soul mate (gag). Who are your favorites? And most importantly, will you be watching with me next week?

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