The Cocktail Party Primer (Episode #3)

It’s Friday so you know what that means…tomorrow is Saturday…oh and also it’s time for another episode of The Cocktail Party Primer hosted by Mostly Martha. Martha’s got the news you need to know – and I triple dog dare you not to laugh out loud while reading.

Prince is to Ryan Seacrest as a 67 Chevy is to an 87 Civic

Sometimes television reminds me of high school. ABC is playing with your heart, 24 is written by a bunch of slackers who won’t do their homework, Fox wants you to turn down that rock and roll music, and Hayden Panettiere is a pretty cheerleader heading for a breakdown. This week’s Cocktail Party Primer will let you in on what all the cool kids have been whispering about in study hall.

• It may be time to organize an intervention for Hayden Panettiere. Just when I’d gotten used to thinking of her as the anti-Lohan, what with her wholesomeness and sobriety and sensible use of underpants, news leaked out this week she’s in trouble with the law. That’s right, everyone’s favorite supernatural cheerleader got a parking ticket. She’s on the road to ruin. This time next month she’ll be flashing her bits and snorting coke of the toilet seats at Chateau Marmont. But maybe it’s not too late. Maybe if we save her, we can save the. . . oh, you get the idea.

• Did you know that Hillary Clinton is a bitch? And Micheal Moore is fat and stupid? And that the ACLU is a bunch of pedophiles? You could have learned these and other hilariously satirical truths on The 1/2 Hour News Hour, Fox News’ conservative alternative to The Daily Show, but now it’s too late. The show, which was aimed at what Nixon once referred to as “the silent majority,” was canceled on August 14th. Given that its ratings fell every time it aired, apparently the “majority” is not only silent, but blind and Tivo-less as well. I guess all those guys with shameful, secret crushes on Ann Coulter will have to go elsewhere for their fix. You know who you are, you dirty boys.

• In an attempt to placate fans of the recently canceled Knights of Prosperity and The Nine, ABC had scheduled the remaining episodes of both to air. The move was short-lived, however, as ABC promptly re-canceled both of them. I swear, ABC is acting like an emotionally manipulative teenage boyfriend. You know, the one you were so in love with who broke your heart then kept coming over for bootie calls and implying that maybe you two would get back together? I’ve heard rumors that ABC is planning on kicking off the fall season by hooking up with your best friend at a party, posting naked pictures of you on Myspace, and then asking if its still cool for them to crash on your couch.

• Apparently Prince’s rain-and-fabulousness soaked Half Time performance last year used up all of the Super Bowl’s allotted awesome points for the next decade. In a move oddly reminiscent of Ed Sullivan refusing to show Elvis’s pelvis for fear of riling up the populace, Fox is upping the mediocrity quotient of the grand gridiron competition by getting the ultimate square Ryan Seacrest to host. To further prevent undue titillation, the network is requesting that Super Bowl viewers serve skim milk and oatmeal, wear proper helmets and knee pads, and be in bed by 10:00 PM, whether the game is over or not.

• Filming for the new season of 24 was supposed to start in late July, but as of the second week of August, the writing staff still hasn’t been able to produce the new season’s storyline. Fox announced they are pushing back the production date until September 10. They seemed shocked when Fox told them the due date for the new scripts had come and gone. After coasting through the whole heavily criticized sixth season without bothering to formulate a decent plot, the writers apparently thought they could get away with anything. As added pressure, this year Fox has said they want the show not to suck.Man, those 24 writers thought they were so smart with their “my dog ate the story arc” and “my computer died just before I could print the script” excuses. They already tried turning in their seventh grade report on Gulliver’s Travels retitled “Bauer and the Really Little Terrorists.” If their next plan is to buy the CliffsNotes to the last season of Alias and just summarize, I bet they end up in detention.

Martha Smith is a San Francisco-based freelance writer and editor. She writes mostly about food, TV, and other things that can be enjoyed while sitting down.